August 30, 2016

Total Loser Eats Dinner at RPCC Alone

RPCC – According to reports trickling in from North Campus residents, total loser Nicholas Sarpinsky ‘20 was seen eating his dinner at RPCC all by himself again.

“I’m tired of these lonely social sadsacks taking our table all for themselves,” said Sam Losey ‘20, a member of the Donlon 4 hallway group, who regularly patronize the dining hall with all their cool friends.

Some speculate that the lone diner was simply earlier than the people he was sure to be dining with, however, when Sarpinsky bussed his plates and left the meal at 6:30, having been joined by nobody in the intervening minutes, it was clear that he was just an absolute friendless nerd.

“These forlorn kids don’t have the social grace to sit down and chat during mealtime,” continued Losey, “Too bad there’s nothing we popular kids can do about it.”

Sources report that total losers like Sarpinsky have recently taken to reading or studying while eating despite the strictly communal nature of mealtime.

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