Travesty! The Dining Hall Pasta is in The Horrible Shape

MORRISON HALL—After an arduous week of classes, the weary, hungry masses gathered in the one place that grants them respite, where the turbulence of life gives way to comforting predictability and dependable mediocrity: The Morrison Pasta Station. However, today, a cruel shock shattered this spaghetti sanctuary and the already-paper-thin wills of many students. 

“I have been having the worst day today and the only thing I thought I could depend on was the simple plate of pasta from Morrison,” said Marcus Bai ‘27. “You know, those wholesome seashell-shaped noodles that lovingly cradle the sauce as tenderly as a mother would her infant child? Instead, I get these spiteful little slippery spiral fucks, these nefarious corkscrews of pure hate. I burn in the fiery flames of this fusilli hellscape.”

While Morrison Dining Hall descended into puttanesca pandemonium, a handful of students and staff members exchanged knowing, solemn looks. Both parties acknowledged a shared understanding that this marinara misery is a necessary evil and a burden they must bear together. 

“I am fated to scoop at this fucked up little noodle,” explained Patrick Richards ‘26. “I am Hercules and this is my Hydra. Each time I attempt to stab it, another pathetic little fragment of pasta breaks away and where there was only one pitiful excuse for a noodle there are now two, and so on and so on, forever.”

Disappointed patrons left the dining hall dejected but dreaming of a better day, a brighter day, a day when the pasta is in the glorious shape.

SLOPE DAY SCANDAL: These “Food Tickets” Just Taste Like Paper

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—On May 1st, with Slope Day on the horizon, Cornell Dining launched their food ticket pre-sale at select locations across campus. Many students lined up at Okenshields to swipe in for their usual dinners, but one student, Jonah Kesky ‘26, was on a different mission. 

“I remember he was the first person in line,” recalled dining hall employee Tara Daniels ‘23. “He was talking to the kid behind him about how he couldn’t sleep the night before because he was so excited. Then he took out seventy-two dollars in cash and asked to buy two of each ‘flavor?’ He made me put them in his green takeout container, which I thought was odd.”

Kesky’s roommate reported that when Kesky returned that evening with his tickets, he took great care in sorting them in his fridge where he left them for the remainder of the week, occasionally opening the door to gaze at them.

However, today, with Slope Day a mere 24 hours away, Kesky made a heart-breaking discovery.

“I wanted to save them all for Slope Day like I was supposed to, but I just couldn’t resist,” explained Kesky, his voice trembling. “I took a small nibble of the BBQ Beef Brisket Slider ticket, but it didn’t really taste anything like beef brisket, so I ate the whole thing to be sure and it tasted like PAPER! I thought it might have just been defective, so I ate the rest of my tickets and they ALL tasted like paper! I can’t believe the Slope Day Programming Board managed to screw this up too.” 

At press time, Kesky, having spent all his money on defective food tickets, couldn’t even afford to buy “those regular tickets that you exchange for food.”

Student Forced To Forage For Berries, Twigs After Staying On Campus Past 5PM On Weekend

CENTRAL CAMPUS–A meal swipe-less Logan Jergen ‘26 found himself forced to take advantage of nature’s own all you can eat dining system after studying on central campus until 5:30 on a Saturday night.

“This is all I have left to eat,” said Jergen through a pink mouthful of cherry blossoms. “Goldie’s–Cafe Jennie–Franny’s–they all closed on me. I tried going to Libe Cafe but they just told me to ‘eat this book, dumbass,’ and threw Gravity’s Rainbow at my head. I tried a vending machine but it wasn’t the one day a year that they work. It’s an uncaring, dangerous world out here–but I intend to make it through the night,” he swore, biting fiercely into a handful of moss.

Although campus’s vast array of grasses, wildflowers, and aesthetically pleasing shrubberies first looked inedible to his untrained eye, Jergen soon found himself as naturally suited to his wild diet as the birds that whirled gracefully above. 

“This isn’t so bad, actually,” said Jergen while munching thoughtfully on a stick. “You know, in the olden days, students didn’t have our modern dining halls and were forced to travel by covered wagon all the way to Buffalo to enjoy a nice grab ‘n’ go vegan meatball dinner. Really feels like I’m getting in touch with how my Cornell ancestors used to eat way back in the 1920s. Like an early Okenshields,” he added before seizing a nearby finch with his bare hands and snapping its neck for a light snack.

At press time Cornell Dining had already sent Jergen an $18 bill for his on-campus feast.

Cornell Dining to decrease portion suggestion from “smidgen” to “morsel”

APPEL DINING ROOM An internal University memo detailing controversial changes within the food troughs affectionately deemed “dining halls” surfaced this Monday.  Most notably, Dining staff are now being recommended to serve “morsels” of food rather than the previously established “smidgens”. The announcement came as a shock to student dining workers who have recently mastered the art of serving unsatiating portions. 

Timothy Riker ‘24, Level III student manager, was left baffled by the new guidance. “I honestly didn’t know a morsel was less than a smidgen” Riker stated, clearly perplexed. “I’m not sure it’s physically possible to scoop less food onto a plate than I already am.” Dining employees are not the memo’s only vocal opponents: students across campus are also weighing in on this fabricated food desert. 

“Each day that passes is another day closer to Appel Sunday brunch. It is literally the only reason I make it through the week,” remarked Gretchen MacCalister ‘26. “Now all I leave with is half of a dumpling and a continued sense of impending doom.” 

Bear Necessities and Jansens Market reported an increase in sales directly following the Morsel-Gate scandal. On-campus convenience stores are facing an unprecedented shortage of Instant Ramen, Doritos, and Beef Jerky sticks. Hungry students have no other choice but to hoard snacks and gorge themselves on donut holes that are somehow always stale. 

Anticipating an increase in students bold enough to ask for another helping, the memo instructed workers to reply to requests for seconds with a cheerful “Go fuck yourself”.

Cornell Dining Ranked Tenth in the Nation with Rusty’s Cafe, Fifth in the Nation Without

ITHACA, NY—Once again, Cornell students can proudly claim they have access to one of the best dining programs across the nation. The university marked a special case for the Princeton Review’s Great Campus Food ranking list, qualifying as tenth in the nation with the inclusion of Rusty’s Cafe and fifth in the nation without. 

A representative from the Princeton Review had more to say on the matter: “As you recall, our rankings are based on the opinions of current students. We typically try to publish one consistent number, but a significant number of students wrote in saying that the inclusion of Rusty’s Cafe should lower Cornell’s final ranking.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I love the food at Cornell. Terrace never misses and I’m a loyal fan of Temple of Zeus. But the moment I walk by that sad little Rusty’s Cafe sign outside of Uris, I want to throw up,” explained Jan Franzia ‘22, one of the students who wrote to the Princeton Review. “To be honest I’ve never been, but something about the vibes are off.” 

Cornell Dining also released a statement in response to the ranking: “We are excited to announce that our dining system has been ranked in the nation’s top ten for the eighth consecutive year. We pride ourselves on a world class culinary experience. Unless you consider Rusty’s Cafe. Then we consider ourselves pretty decent.”

Cornell also beat out fierce competition to win the number one position in the rankings of “Best Private Land Grant Universities Founded Between 1860-1870”, “Top Ivy League Universities in Upstate New York”, and “Best Universities With a Campus Spanning Approximately 4,800 Acres, Nicknames Referencing the Color Red, and a Fall 2021 Enrollment of 25,593 Students”

Cornell Addresses Dining Hall Overcrowding with New “Slop in a Trough” Feeding System

ROBERT PURCELL COMMUNITY CENTER—Sloppy boys rejoice! Cornell Dining began Thursday by announcing its decision to fix its overcrowded, understaffed dining halls by switching to the innovative “Slop in a Trough” feeding system.


“We believe that Slop in a Trough is the fastest and most effective way to feed our growing student body,” said a Cornell Dining representative. “By eliminating lines, forks, plates, napkins, and vegetarian options, we have created a system in which there are no barriers to students shoving their face into a lukewarm tub of gelatinous nutrition.”


As RPCC opened for lunch, hundreds of hungry freshmen could be seen swarming past the doors to descend upon the bulbous trough laden with glistening slop. The air was soon filled with frenzied slurping noises punctuated by guttural chants of  “MMM… THE SLOP!” from wet-mouthed underclassmen. The students’ slop frenzy continued unabated even as Cornell Dining announced that no meal plan refunds would be given as a result of the new slop system.


In response to concerns that the Slop in a Trough arrangement was even less COVID safe than the previous system, the representative reassured the student body that the chemicals in the slop were more than enough to kill any pathogens encountered during the slop experience.

“Your Caviar, Sir,” Says Tuxedo-Clad Waiter to Couple on 3rd Anniversary Date at 7-Eleven Indoor Dining

7-ELEVEN—’Twas a beautiful and romantic evening for Ithaca’s it-couple Albert Grant Wellington III ‘22 and Eleanor Theodora Johnson ‘22. While the commoners of Collegetown partook in fraternity soirees and other low class activities, these members of the Finger Lakes region’s high society spent their evening enjoying a fine dining experience like none other at 7-Eleven in celebration of their third anniversary together.

Onlookers marveled in awe as the couple was welcomed into the dining establishment, gasping as the tuxedo-clad waiter pulled out the vibrant red high chairs for Wellington and Johnson before presenting them with a tin of the finest Iranian Beluga fish caviar flown in directly from the Black Sea just an hour prior. “I thought all they had were taquitos and wings, so I didn’t get why eating indoors at 7-Eleven was such a big deal,” said passersby Patrick Hernandez ‘24. “But then I saw the waiter use a samurai sword to open a bottle of Dom Perignon and I finally understood why you need to get on the waitlist six months in advance for a chance at a reservation.” In fact, Wellington had used his Amex Platinum concierge service to earn his coveted spot as soon as he heard the buzz from his upper-class peers.

Those who have been lucky enough to win a reservation at 7-Eleven have claimed that the dining experience is “on another level from other fine dining establishments”, and that 7-Eleven is “what the industry standard should be”, even likening the experience to that of winning the lottery, an activity one can also do at a 7-Eleven.

“I consider myself a connoisseur of fine dining, having been to a number of top rated establishments around the world,” said Wellington III. “But the moment I felt the fluorescent lights blinding me, the smell of stale coffee and grease being absorbed into my skin, and the rumbling of the slurpee machines, I knew I was about to have the dinner of my life—no wonder 7-Eleven has four Michelin stars!”

To finish off an exquisite evening filled with magical theatrics and incredible eats, Wellington and Johnson shared a chocolate taquito topped with a drizzle of housemade plastic nacho cheese.

OP-ED: Will I Understand 2Stay2Go if I Haven’t Seen The First One?

COLLEGETOWN—In the era of cinematic universes and album series, it can be difficult to find an attraction that is a standalone, original body of work. Each week it would seem a new follow-up to something emerges onto the scene and staying in the loop has only become more challenging. Franchises have dominated our culture, from McDonald’s to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, so much so that independent works can come and go with little notice from the general public. 

Sometimes an original work can be a much-needed reprieve from the dedication of franchises, so you can only imagine my excitement when I heard about a student-owned and operated dining option. An independent, employee-ran establishment in a world of sequels and spin-offs with delicious menu options? Sign me up! I was incredibly enthusiastic at the prospect of this new spot simply because it wasn’t a tired and overdone destination. But that was until I learned of the name of the place…

2Stay2Go seems like a great idea, run by really inspired and incredibly passionate people who really care about what they’re doing. The only issue is that I haven’t been to StayGo or 1Stay1Go or whatever the prequel is called. The truth is that I’m terrified of not knowing what is going on. I honestly don’t know if there’s a first restaurant out there, but if 2 Fast 2 Furious and Die Hard 2: Die Harder have taught me anything, it’s that you only stylize a title like that for the second entry in a franchise. What happens if I come in and I’m out of the loop? Will the menu have spoilers about the first one? Is 2Stay2Go an instruction? The daunting reality is that I simply do not know what I’m in for and I can only find out by going. In fact, none of us do. Having two 2’s like that in the name usually implies that there’s a first one, right? That’s why I propose the entirety of Cornell’s student body hit up 2Stay2Go and fill in the blanks together. 

If every Cornellian were to go and order this weekend, I guarantee we could get to the bottom of it and figure out exactly what the deal is. Whether or not 2Stay2Go is a sequel or spin-off or continuation or spiritual successor, there’s simply no way that all of us, working together, couldn’t connect the dots.

Heroic Student Donated to Save Collegetown’s Restaurants but Has Yet to Venmo Roommate for Brunch

COLLEGETOWN—Generously showing solidarity with small businesses, student Max Eagen ‘21 proudly donated to the latest GoFundMe to save Collegetown’s original restaurants. He also has yet to repay his roommate for brunch. 

“At first I just thought he was short on cash, which is totally fine,” said roommate Daniel Nakamura ‘21. “But then I got a Facebook update showing that he donated $20 to Cafe Pacific. I totally support it, but also could I have my $10 from last month?” 

In his Facebook post, Eagen stated the importance of supporting local eateries, while stressing the sacrifice he made by donating. “If I’m just a student and can donate, then so can you. Am I a hero to all? No. Am I a hero to one? Bet,” read the post. 

Despite multiple texts, Venmo reminders, and DM’s, Eagen still refused to reimburse his roommate. Instead, demonstrating his strong sense of empathy and integrity, he changed his cover photo to a picture that dismantles trickle-down economics, retweeted articles about Small Business Saturday, and edited his Instagram bio to “CU ‘21. KappaSig. Activist.” 

“Eagen’s magnanimity is impressive,” affirmed Nakamura. “He just really needs to pay me for that waffle.”

The next weekend, Eagen was spotted drinking a Starbucks frappe and not tipping his barista. 

Student Returning Home Disappointed By Meal Plan Options

STATEN ISLAND—Longing for a time with better company and better food, Alex Reed ’24 has been missing Cornell Dining’s exquisite meal selections while back at his parents’ house for Winter Break. 

“It’s nice to not have to wait in line at the dining hall—sorry, dining room,” Reed said. “But overall, there just hasn’t been the variety of dishes I’ve come to expect from my meal providers. I mean, where’s my vegan cheeseless enchilada bake to go with Grandma’s classic beef stroganoff?”

Despite scrolling through both the Eatery app and NYTCooking to get a taste of what the bourgeoisie of Ithaca and New York are eating, Reed still yearns for the safe consistency of Rose’s Taco Tuesday or the comfortable dim sum of RPCC brunch. 

“I even made Alex’s favorite spaghetti and meatballs, but he just mumbled something about Sicilian sheet pizzas and tofu and broccoli with red chili garlic,” said Reed’s mother Lily.  “I can’t take another night of him crying into a plate of baked chicken with macaroni and cheese because some place called Apple always made it Kosher.” 

At press time, Reed was seen ordering Domino’s just like he did most nights at school.