Cornell Dining Reveals Secret Ingredient in Vegan Cookies: “It’s butter!”

After ten years of proud service as Head Chef of Cornell Dining, Jeremy Rogers finally revealed in a tell-all interview how he bakes his world-famous vegan cookies. According to Rogers, the trick to making his plant-based desserts so delicious has been none other than fresh butter churned right at the Cornell Dairy farm.

Rogers explained that he initially did not consider using butter in his vegan recipes; in fact, the inspiration to try it was merely a stroke of luck. “It was an absolute ‘eureka!’ moment,” he said. “I remember thinking, ‘why aren’t more chefs doing this?’”

Dining Manager Melissa Stone says Rogers’ inventive recipes have transformed how students eat on campus. “One of our greatest accomplishments at Cornell has been making the vegan lifestyle more accessible for students,” Stone said. “We have Jeremy to thank for that.”

Student Tina Lee ‘26 fondly recalls the day she first tried her favorite vegan treats on campus. “When I took a bite, I said ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter!’ We all had a big laugh about that later on.”

In response to student protests that chefs should use vegan butter instead, Cornell Dining issued a public statement: “In our pursuit of making vegan desserts taste authentic, we see no better solution than pure, free-range, grass-fed, cow’s milk butter.” 

When it comes to employing creativity in culinary pursuits, cookies are just the tip of the iceberg for Rogers. When asked how he makes his iconic vegan chocolate cake during the interview, Rogers offered a roguish grin: “The trick is a couple of eggs,” he replied.

Friendless Loser? Student Seen Eating Alone in Dining Hall

WEST CAMPUS—No self-respecting student would ever dare to eat dinner alone, so all eyes were on Jaden Lewis ‘25 last night at Becker House as he appeared to finish his meal entirely by himself. 

Patrons stared at the pathetic nobody in a mixture of pity and disgust as he filled his plate and slowly meandered to the emptiest corner of the dining hall. Multiple sources confirmed that Lewis was met with uproarious laughter after he accidentally dropped his fork and had to get a new one.

“I thought he might be waiting for his friends because he kept glancing around the room, but once I saw him put his AirPods in and turn his phone horizontally, I knew he was just a total freak,” reported a concerned onlooker, who also repeatedly clarified that she herself has a robust social life.

Lewis maintained that he virtually always eats with his large yet close-knit friend group, but unfortunately they were all busy yesterday. “They’re really popular and very attractive people. I would know because I hang out with them all the time, like every day or sometimes even more than that.” Witnesses to the sad scene could not recall ever seeing Lewis with an acquaintance, let alone a friend.

Numerous dining hall workers independently confirmed that the downright pathetic individual regularly struggles with basic human interaction. “When I asked if he wanted another scoop of mashed potatoes, he froze for a second, and then sprinted for the exit,” relayed a shocked employee. 

After leaving the dining hall, Lewis reportedly waited 20 minutes for an empty elevator before ultimately deciding to take the stairs, which the utterly pitiful loser claims are “faster and more efficient.”

Travesty! The Dining Hall Pasta is in The Horrible Shape

MORRISON HALL—After an arduous week of classes, the weary, hungry masses gathered in the one place that grants them respite, where the turbulence of life gives way to comforting predictability and dependable mediocrity: The Morrison Pasta Station. However, today, a cruel shock shattered this spaghetti sanctuary and the already-paper-thin wills of many students. 

“I have been having the worst day today and the only thing I thought I could depend on was the simple plate of pasta from Morrison,” said Marcus Bai ‘27. “You know, those wholesome seashell-shaped noodles that lovingly cradle the sauce as tenderly as a mother would her infant child? Instead, I get these spiteful little slippery spiral fucks, these nefarious corkscrews of pure hate. I burn in the fiery flames of this fusilli hellscape.”

While Morrison Dining Hall descended into puttanesca pandemonium, a handful of students and staff members exchanged knowing, solemn looks. Both parties acknowledged a shared understanding that this marinara misery is a necessary evil and a burden they must bear together. 

“I am fated to scoop at this fucked up little noodle,” explained Patrick Richards ‘26. “I am Hercules and this is my Hydra. Each time I attempt to stab it, another pathetic little fragment of pasta breaks away and where there was only one pitiful excuse for a noodle there are now two, and so on and so on, forever.”

Disappointed patrons left the dining hall dejected but dreaming of a better day, a brighter day, a day when the pasta is in the glorious shape.

SLOPE DAY SCANDAL: These “Food Tickets” Just Taste Like Paper

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—On May 1st, with Slope Day on the horizon, Cornell Dining launched their food ticket pre-sale at select locations across campus. Many students lined up at Okenshields to swipe in for their usual dinners, but one student, Jonah Kesky ‘26, was on a different mission. 

“I remember he was the first person in line,” recalled dining hall employee Tara Daniels ‘23. “He was talking to the kid behind him about how he couldn’t sleep the night before because he was so excited. Then he took out seventy-two dollars in cash and asked to buy two of each ‘flavor?’ He made me put them in his green takeout container, which I thought was odd.”

Kesky’s roommate reported that when Kesky returned that evening with his tickets, he took great care in sorting them in his fridge where he left them for the remainder of the week, occasionally opening the door to gaze at them.

However, today, with Slope Day a mere 24 hours away, Kesky made a heart-breaking discovery.

“I wanted to save them all for Slope Day like I was supposed to, but I just couldn’t resist,” explained Kesky, his voice trembling. “I took a small nibble of the BBQ Beef Brisket Slider ticket, but it didn’t really taste anything like beef brisket, so I ate the whole thing to be sure and it tasted like PAPER! I thought it might have just been defective, so I ate the rest of my tickets and they ALL tasted like paper! I can’t believe the Slope Day Programming Board managed to screw this up too.” 

At press time, Kesky, having spent all his money on defective food tickets, couldn’t even afford to buy “those regular tickets that you exchange for food.”

Student Forced To Forage For Berries, Twigs After Staying On Campus Past 5PM On Weekend

CENTRAL CAMPUS–A meal swipe-less Logan Jergen ‘26 found himself forced to take advantage of nature’s own all you can eat dining system after studying on central campus until 5:30 on a Saturday night.

“This is all I have left to eat,” said Jergen through a pink mouthful of cherry blossoms. “Goldie’s–Cafe Jennie–Franny’s–they all closed on me. I tried going to Libe Cafe but they just told me to ‘eat this book, dumbass,’ and threw Gravity’s Rainbow at my head. I tried a vending machine but it wasn’t the one day a year that they work. It’s an uncaring, dangerous world out here–but I intend to make it through the night,” he swore, biting fiercely into a handful of moss.

Although campus’s vast array of grasses, wildflowers, and aesthetically pleasing shrubberies first looked inedible to his untrained eye, Jergen soon found himself as naturally suited to his wild diet as the birds that whirled gracefully above. 

“This isn’t so bad, actually,” said Jergen while munching thoughtfully on a stick. “You know, in the olden days, students didn’t have our modern dining halls and were forced to travel by covered wagon all the way to Buffalo to enjoy a nice grab ‘n’ go vegan meatball dinner. Really feels like I’m getting in touch with how my Cornell ancestors used to eat way back in the 1920s. Like an early Okenshields,” he added before seizing a nearby finch with his bare hands and snapping its neck for a light snack.

At press time Cornell Dining had already sent Jergen an $18 bill for his on-campus feast.

Cornell Dining to decrease portion suggestion from “smidgen” to “morsel”

APPEL DINING ROOM An internal University memo detailing controversial changes within the food troughs affectionately deemed “dining halls” surfaced this Monday.  Most notably, Dining staff are now being recommended to serve “morsels” of food rather than the previously established “smidgens”. The announcement came as a shock to student dining workers who have recently mastered the art of serving unsatiating portions. 

Timothy Riker ‘24, Level III student manager, was left baffled by the new guidance. “I honestly didn’t know a morsel was less than a smidgen” Riker stated, clearly perplexed. “I’m not sure it’s physically possible to scoop less food onto a plate than I already am.” Dining employees are not the memo’s only vocal opponents: students across campus are also weighing in on this fabricated food desert. 

“Each day that passes is another day closer to Appel Sunday brunch. It is literally the only reason I make it through the week,” remarked Gretchen MacCalister ‘26. “Now all I leave with is half of a dumpling and a continued sense of impending doom.” 

Bear Necessities and Jansens Market reported an increase in sales directly following the Morsel-Gate scandal. On-campus convenience stores are facing an unprecedented shortage of Instant Ramen, Doritos, and Beef Jerky sticks. Hungry students have no other choice but to hoard snacks and gorge themselves on donut holes that are somehow always stale. 

Anticipating an increase in students bold enough to ask for another helping, the memo instructed workers to reply to requests for seconds with a cheerful “Go fuck yourself”.

Cornell Dining Ranked Tenth in the Nation with Rusty’s Cafe, Fifth in the Nation Without

ITHACA, NY—Once again, Cornell students can proudly claim they have access to one of the best dining programs across the nation. The university marked a special case for the Princeton Review’s Great Campus Food ranking list, qualifying as tenth in the nation with the inclusion of Rusty’s Cafe and fifth in the nation without. 

A representative from the Princeton Review had more to say on the matter: “As you recall, our rankings are based on the opinions of current students. We typically try to publish one consistent number, but a significant number of students wrote in saying that the inclusion of Rusty’s Cafe should lower Cornell’s final ranking.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I love the food at Cornell. Terrace never misses and I’m a loyal fan of Temple of Zeus. But the moment I walk by that sad little Rusty’s Cafe sign outside of Uris, I want to throw up,” explained Jan Franzia ‘22, one of the students who wrote to the Princeton Review. “To be honest I’ve never been, but something about the vibes are off.” 

Cornell Dining also released a statement in response to the ranking: “We are excited to announce that our dining system has been ranked in the nation’s top ten for the eighth consecutive year. We pride ourselves on a world class culinary experience. Unless you consider Rusty’s Cafe. Then we consider ourselves pretty decent.”

Cornell also beat out fierce competition to win the number one position in the rankings of “Best Private Land Grant Universities Founded Between 1860-1870”, “Top Ivy League Universities in Upstate New York”, and “Best Universities With a Campus Spanning Approximately 4,800 Acres, Nicknames Referencing the Color Red, and a Fall 2021 Enrollment of 25,593 Students”

Cornell Addresses Dining Hall Overcrowding with New “Slop in a Trough” Feeding System

ROBERT PURCELL COMMUNITY CENTER—Sloppy boys rejoice! Cornell Dining began Thursday by announcing its decision to fix its overcrowded, understaffed dining halls by switching to the innovative “Slop in a Trough” feeding system.

 

“We believe that Slop in a Trough is the fastest and most effective way to feed our growing student body,” said a Cornell Dining representative. “By eliminating lines, forks, plates, napkins, and vegetarian options, we have created a system in which there are no barriers to students shoving their face into a lukewarm tub of gelatinous nutrition.”

 

As RPCC opened for lunch, hundreds of hungry freshmen could be seen swarming past the doors to descend upon the bulbous trough laden with glistening slop. The air was soon filled with frenzied slurping noises punctuated by guttural chants of  “MMM… THE SLOP!” from wet-mouthed underclassmen. The students’ slop frenzy continued unabated even as Cornell Dining announced that no meal plan refunds would be given as a result of the new slop system.

 

In response to concerns that the Slop in a Trough arrangement was even less COVID safe than the previous system, the representative reassured the student body that the chemicals in the slop were more than enough to kill any pathogens encountered during the slop experience.

“Your Caviar, Sir,” Says Tuxedo-Clad Waiter to Couple on 3rd Anniversary Date at 7-Eleven Indoor Dining

7-ELEVEN—’Twas a beautiful and romantic evening for Ithaca’s it-couple Albert Grant Wellington III ‘22 and Eleanor Theodora Johnson ‘22. While the commoners of Collegetown partook in fraternity soirees and other low class activities, these members of the Finger Lakes region’s high society spent their evening enjoying a fine dining experience like none other at 7-Eleven in celebration of their third anniversary together.

Onlookers marveled in awe as the couple was welcomed into the dining establishment, gasping as the tuxedo-clad waiter pulled out the vibrant red high chairs for Wellington and Johnson before presenting them with a tin of the finest Iranian Beluga fish caviar flown in directly from the Black Sea just an hour prior. “I thought all they had were taquitos and wings, so I didn’t get why eating indoors at 7-Eleven was such a big deal,” said passersby Patrick Hernandez ‘24. “But then I saw the waiter use a samurai sword to open a bottle of Dom Perignon and I finally understood why you need to get on the waitlist six months in advance for a chance at a reservation.” In fact, Wellington had used his Amex Platinum concierge service to earn his coveted spot as soon as he heard the buzz from his upper-class peers.

Those who have been lucky enough to win a reservation at 7-Eleven have claimed that the dining experience is “on another level from other fine dining establishments”, and that 7-Eleven is “what the industry standard should be”, even likening the experience to that of winning the lottery, an activity one can also do at a 7-Eleven.

“I consider myself a connoisseur of fine dining, having been to a number of top rated establishments around the world,” said Wellington III. “But the moment I felt the fluorescent lights blinding me, the smell of stale coffee and grease being absorbed into my skin, and the rumbling of the slurpee machines, I knew I was about to have the dinner of my life—no wonder 7-Eleven has four Michelin stars!”

To finish off an exquisite evening filled with magical theatrics and incredible eats, Wellington and Johnson shared a chocolate taquito topped with a drizzle of housemade plastic nacho cheese.

OP-ED: Will I Understand 2Stay2Go if I Haven’t Seen The First One?

COLLEGETOWN—In the era of cinematic universes and album series, it can be difficult to find an attraction that is a standalone, original body of work. Each week it would seem a new follow-up to something emerges onto the scene and staying in the loop has only become more challenging. Franchises have dominated our culture, from McDonald’s to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, so much so that independent works can come and go with little notice from the general public. 

Sometimes an original work can be a much-needed reprieve from the dedication of franchises, so you can only imagine my excitement when I heard about a student-owned and operated dining option. An independent, employee-ran establishment in a world of sequels and spin-offs with delicious menu options? Sign me up! I was incredibly enthusiastic at the prospect of this new spot simply because it wasn’t a tired and overdone destination. But that was until I learned of the name of the place…

2Stay2Go seems like a great idea, run by really inspired and incredibly passionate people who really care about what they’re doing. The only issue is that I haven’t been to StayGo or 1Stay1Go or whatever the prequel is called. The truth is that I’m terrified of not knowing what is going on. I honestly don’t know if there’s a first restaurant out there, but if 2 Fast 2 Furious and Die Hard 2: Die Harder have taught me anything, it’s that you only stylize a title like that for the second entry in a franchise. What happens if I come in and I’m out of the loop? Will the menu have spoilers about the first one? Is 2Stay2Go an instruction? The daunting reality is that I simply do not know what I’m in for and I can only find out by going. In fact, none of us do. Having two 2’s like that in the name usually implies that there’s a first one, right? That’s why I propose the entirety of Cornell’s student body hit up 2Stay2Go and fill in the blanks together. 

If every Cornellian were to go and order this weekend, I guarantee we could get to the bottom of it and figure out exactly what the deal is. Whether or not 2Stay2Go is a sequel or spin-off or continuation or spiritual successor, there’s simply no way that all of us, working together, couldn’t connect the dots.