“Your Caviar, Sir,” Says Tuxedo-Clad Waiter to Couple on 3rd Anniversary Date at 7-Eleven Indoor Dining

7-ELEVEN—’Twas a beautiful and romantic evening for Ithaca’s it-couple Albert Grant Wellington III ‘22 and Eleanor Theodora Johnson ‘22. While the commoners of Collegetown partook in fraternity soirees and other low class activities, these members of the Finger Lakes region’s high society spent their evening enjoying a fine dining experience like none other at 7-Eleven in celebration of their third anniversary together.

Onlookers marveled in awe as the couple was welcomed into the dining establishment, gasping as the tuxedo-clad waiter pulled out the vibrant red high chairs for Wellington and Johnson before presenting them with a tin of the finest Iranian Beluga fish caviar flown in directly from the Black Sea just an hour prior. “I thought all they had were taquitos and wings, so I didn’t get why eating indoors at 7-Eleven was such a big deal,” said passersby Patrick Hernandez ‘24. “But then I saw the waiter use a samurai sword to open a bottle of Dom Perignon and I finally understood why you need to get on the waitlist six months in advance for a chance at a reservation.” In fact, Wellington had used his Amex Platinum concierge service to earn his coveted spot as soon as he heard the buzz from his upper-class peers.

Those who have been lucky enough to win a reservation at 7-Eleven have claimed that the dining experience is “on another level from other fine dining establishments”, and that 7-Eleven is “what the industry standard should be”, even likening the experience to that of winning the lottery, an activity one can also do at a 7-Eleven.

“I consider myself a connoisseur of fine dining, having been to a number of top rated establishments around the world,” said Wellington III. “But the moment I felt the fluorescent lights blinding me, the smell of stale coffee and grease being absorbed into my skin, and the rumbling of the slurpee machines, I knew I was about to have the dinner of my life—no wonder 7-Eleven has four Michelin stars!”

To finish off an exquisite evening filled with magical theatrics and incredible eats, Wellington and Johnson shared a chocolate taquito topped with a drizzle of housemade plastic nacho cheese.