APPEL DINING ROOM– An internal University memo detailing controversial changes within the food troughs affectionately deemed “dining halls” surfaced this Monday. Most notably, Dining staff are now being recommended to serve “morsels” of food rather than the previously established “smidgens”. The announcement came as a shock to student dining workers who have recently mastered the art of serving unsatiating portions.
Timothy Riker ‘24, Level III student manager, was left baffled by the new guidance. “I honestly didn’t know a morsel was less than a smidgen” Riker stated, clearly perplexed. “I’m not sure it’s physically possible to scoop less food onto a plate than I already am.” Dining employees are not the memo’s only vocal opponents: students across campus are also weighing in on this fabricated food desert.
“Each day that passes is another day closer to Appel Sunday brunch. It is literally the only reason I make it through the week,” remarked Gretchen MacCalister ‘26. “Now all I leave with is half of a dumpling and a continued sense of impending doom.”
Bear Necessities and Jansens Market reported an increase in sales directly following the Morsel-Gate scandal. On-campus convenience stores are facing an unprecedented shortage of Instant Ramen, Doritos, and Beef Jerky sticks. Hungry students have no other choice but to hoard snacks and gorge themselves on donut holes that are somehow always stale.
Anticipating an increase in students bold enough to ask for another helping, the memo instructed workers to reply to requests for seconds with a cheerful “Go fuck yourself”.
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