Angel of Death Will Not Spare Touchdown the Bear This Passover

HEAVEN—God and the Angel of Death have announced plans to kill Touchdown the Bear, a Passover gift for Jewish and Gentile Cornellians alike.

“I have tried time and again to deal with Touchdown and his many crimes against the Jewish people, but it seems My methods have been too lenient thus far,” saith the Lord. “Turning Beebe Lake into blood and releasing frogs on the Arts Quad did not seem to faze him. I had no choice left but to escalate.”

Even after facing the next seven plagues, Touchdown had not given up. Frustrated and foiled by the bear’s hard-heartedness, God announced His intention to kill the ursine tyrant.

The Angel of Death seemed enthusiastic to enact the will of his notoriously harsh employer. 

“The Big Guy made it very clear: this bear is Pharaoh-tier,” the angel said. “Man, I can’t wait to get this job done. Touchdown’s done some really gnarly stuff, and I haven’t inflicted divine punishment in forever.”

At press time, Touchdown the Bear was frantically searching for lamb’s blood to smear above the entrance to his cave.

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