Death Of The First Born? Younger Brother Going To Yale

TENAFLY, NEW JERSEY—Visiting home for a seemingly uneventful Seder, Dan Waxman ‘25 found himself effectively slain in the minds of his entire extended family after his younger brother was accepted into the far more prestigious Yale University.

“I feel like a ghost,” complained a saddened Waxman. “Last year I was ‘Mr. Ivy League,’ but now I’m nothing. It all happened so fast. Ten days ago, my brother Ryan got a likely letter from Yale, but I just didn’t believe it. Likely doesn’t mean certain and I know how hard it is to get into a high class institution. I didn’t think he had it in him, I thought I’d be on top forever.”

After his family surprised him with the news that his brother had, in their eyes, entirely surpassed him, they seemed to promptly forget his existence. Left without a place at the table, Dan was forced to squeeze onto the end of a bench beside his cousin Aaron, who always gets a bit too excited by the mention of boils. As the counting of the plagues came to a close with “death of the first born,” all eyes turned somberly to Dan. Knowing that Dan could never live up to the monumental success of his sibling, the family took a moment to acknowledge that they would never again care all that much about him or his activities. Periodic phone conversations with Dan’s mother would now focus almost entirely on Ryan, with Dan perhaps being acknowledged with an “all is well” or “same old, same old.”

“We’re all just so proud of Ryan,” stated Liz Feine, making a mental note to donate her ‘Cornell Aunt’ sweater to those less fortunate. “I mean, Yale! Wow! Everyone was all excited when Dan got accepted into a high tier state school, but this is leagues beyond. We’re gonna be a Bulldogs family from here on out!”

At press time, Dan had placed the final nail in his metaphorical coffin by sharing his decision to switch majors from biology to sociology.

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