Delusional Students Rejoice: Hot Professor References Recent Divorce

Chaos erupted in McGraw hall on Monday morning following an offhand comment made by Professor James Prew, in which he mentioned that he recently endured a difficult split that left him fractured.

Among Prew’s most enthusiastic students was author of a fan fiction entitled “Prew Me Harder Daddy,” Stacey Sinclair ’25.

“I did the math and it’s really not as weird as you think it is,” exclaimed Stacey as she put together a Pinterest wedding board.  “Yes, he’s 53 and I’m 19, but I’ll be 20 in December and if you abide by the old half your age plus 7 rule we’re barely 13 and a half years off  from being considered an age appropriate couple. Age is just a number, just like how the restraining order Prew sent me last week is just a piece of paper.”

Stacey wasn’t alone in her excitement. Within minutes of Prew’s announcement, whispers of schemes to become the next Mrs. Prew began circulating the room. The two AAP students got right to work, quickly sketching out graphic sexual fantasies at the demands of their classmates.

While Prew claimed not to notice a shift in the atmosphere of the lecture, he noticed strange behaviors after class

“I’ve received gifts from admiring students before but it’s usually items like a gift card to Target,” admitted Prew. “Chocolates, edible underwear, and what appears to be a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs is a first for me,” However, Prew’s recounting of the oddness of the student’s behavior doesn’t end there.” I’ve had three students this week alone appear at my office hours and ask me what my ring size and preferred wedding colors are.” 

Prew explains that he understands why his students admire his opinion on important matters such as one’s wedding and want to provide him with unique gifts to demonstrate their appreciation. However, he admits he remains confused as to why so many students keep asking about his accident in the couple’s adult gymnastics class he attends with his wife.

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