Cornell Secret Societies Send Formal Rejection Letters to All 14,950 Undergraduates Without A Building Named After Their Grandfather

WEST CAMPUS— In an effort to reduce uncertainty over who is and is not allowed in their secret spaces, Cornell’s secret societies have engaged in a mass mailing campaign to inform the children of normies that they were not chosen to join their groups.

“We have noticed an uptick in the confidence of the unfortunate and un-buildinged,” lamented James Rockefeller ‘23. “Many of these ‘first-gen’ students do not know about our groups and thus think they have not experienced rejection, so we felt it necessary to let them know that we, a secret group of elite students they neither know about or applied to be a part of, did not want them in our club.”

Quill and Dagger, Sphinx Head, Der Hexenreis, and Seal and Serpent have banded together to “dissuade the rabble of any delusions of grandeur they might have,” with personalized letters delivered to every student mail center and mailbox with a sincere apology. Students who received the letter voiced their displeasure at this turn of events.

“This may be the weirdest letter I have ever received,” admitted Connor Mannel ‘24. “I open up this letter without a return address and I get the standard ‘you’ve been rejected’ thing, but it kept getting weirder. For some reason they attached five dollars to the letter with a sticky note saying ‘we’re sorry you’re poor’ on it. I went to a private high school, my mom’s a doctor.”

Following the letter campaign, all four events announced a philanthropy event to raise funds for the un-vacation housed.

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