FLORA ROSE HOUSE—Despite being a self-avowed “card-carrying Cornell commie,” Jerome “Jerry” Woodhouse ‘25, the roommate of Brent Hao ‘25, has reportedly been pretty fucking reticent to split the costs of gas receipts from their spring break road trip.
“I figured that if anyone would be quick to pay me back, it would be the guy who quoted Lenin in his high school yearbook,” said an exasperated Hao. “When I nudged Jerry the other day, he mumbled something about ‘perpetuating a system predicated upon the antiquated notion of private property,’ which… maybe refers to the fact that we took my car? I tried again a bit more forcefully, but he was still pretty evasive. ‘Money is the product of an economy that commodifies the basic needs of the proletariat while financializing the very resources which will ultimately make the planet unlivable for all but the most lecherous parasites of the bourgeoisie,’’ I think it was. Asshole.”
The conflict arose in the wake of the duo’s drive to Disney World, which was described by Woodhouse as “absolutely magical.” Prior to their vacation, Woodhouse had indicated willingness to share the expenses 50-50, seeming to approve of the plan for “socialization.” However, Hao noted Woodhouse’s misgivings began to emerge early in the planning process.
“I should’ve known this would be an issue the minute I heard Jerry say something passive-aggressive about profit motives back in February,” said Hao. “I forgot about it for a while, but I noticed later how he kept referring to Venmo as an oppressor feeding off the siloing of the masses. That’s at least a yellow flag. It wasn’t until he started ranting about seizing the means of internal combustion that I realized I was fucked. I have no idea what any of that means in practical terms—and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t either—but it sure as shit doesn’t seem to mean paying me back.”
At press time, tensions threatened to boil over as Woodhouse referred to Hao as a “capitalist shitpig attempting to crush his financial organizational self-management.”
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