FLORA ROSE HOUSE—Despite being a self-avowed “card-carrying Cornell commie,” Jerome “Jerry” Woodhouse ‘25, the roommate of Brent Hao ‘25, has reportedly been pretty fucking reticent to split the costs of gas receipts from their spring break road trip. “I figured that if anyone would be quick to pay me back, it would be the guy…
BARTELS HALL—After an embarrassing hearing on Capitol Hill failed to provide satisfactory answers, an internal government review found that no social media apps could ever possibly interact with Cornell’s wireless network. “I have to say I was concerned TikTok could somehow access Cornell’s Wi-Fi and gain access to the research we conduct on that campus,”…
WEST CAMPUS–The 3:00 bus to New York City was left in turmoil this Thursday after CoachUSA driver and political radical Jessie O’Connor announced her support for OurBus-based political systems. “Awaken yourselves, fellow proletariat!” declared a borscht-chugging, chain-smoking O’Connor to her bus full of self-described “solidly middle-class” hotel heirs. “Too long have the capitalist pig-dogs at…
My mid-morning Critical Theory class had just begun, and, ever the eager pupil, I was excited to enter into a spirited debate about this week’s readings. As an informed moderate, I was prepared to argue that the true virtues of capitalism lie in the system’s benevolent attitudes towards working people, lifting them out of unemployment…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—In a display of gritty revolutionary spirit, Elia Wang ‘21 took it upon herself to use course evaluations to dismantle Cornell’s ruling class: tenured professors. “I was looking for a way to truly make my voice heard,” said Wang. “And submitting an evaluation of straight ones will be a surefire way to topple…
I am not a sorority girl. I enjoy neither the effeminate American beer nor singing the praises of true democracy with loud girls. However, after receiving orders from Putin himself, I found myself in the throngs of brainwashed, constitution-loving idiots, blending in well with my collection of Johnny Cash T-shirts. Why subject myself to this…
