Nooz Staff February 13, 2018

OP-ED: I Rushed a Sorority as an Undercover Russian Agent

I am not a sorority girl. I enjoy neither the effeminate American beer nor singing the praises of true democracy with loud girls. However, after receiving orders from Putin himself, I found myself in the throngs of brainwashed, constitution-loving idiots, blending in well with my collection of Johnny Cash T-shirts.

Why subject myself to this water they call vodka? I was on a mission to infiltrate the enemy and share the joys of overbearing totalitarian rule!

Let me explain myself before you uncultured cowboys raise your pitchforks and rev up your tractors. Ever since I physically manifested from the power of the Volga River, this nation of idiots has nagged at my conscience. I have never been satisfied by my noble government’s efforts to educate this opinion-spouting horde of dimwits.

So this was my assignment— to rush a sorority as an undercover agent and re-educate the USA, one group of Clint Eastwood-loving blondies at a time.

Like a babushka on her porch, I patiently waited for the perfect moment to slide undetected into their cesspool of laments about political processes. However, I quickly realized I was unprepared. In fact, I almost blew my cover when I was grabbed by a joyful “third-party” voter and interrogated about my personal information. The revelation of a legitimate two-party system was already shocking to me, so one can imagine my reaction to this American delusion.

That said, while these American snakes are sneaky, I was much more clever. “Yes! My name is Mary Samantha Smith, and I love to be American patriot. I live in great state of New York City. Go democracy and hamburgers!”

The feeble-minded ditzes did not suspect a thing, instead offering me a glass of water and asking me about my major. Silly little child, I muttered, how easily she must think I will succumb to her treachery. I knew that such poison would not pacify the beast of Russian pride that resides deep in my heart.

One by one, I went to each country girl and memorized their hometowns and favorite classes, knowing the intelligence would be the key to creating a new curriculum free of Western bias. They tried to break me with their incessant smile-nodding and complimentary hand warmers, but I was stronger than they thought.

I finished that fateful day with a hair full of glitter and a heart full of flames raging ferociously for the Motherland! Ura! Ura!

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