Rush Chairs Note Increased Difficulty in Determining Wealth via Zoom

TRIPHAMMER ROAD—Online rush originally seemed a lot easier to coordinate for recruitment chairs, until they realized just how difficult it was to determine the familial wealth of each and every potential new member over video. 

“It used to be so easy to spot the Canada Geese amongst the other ducks, like a gold coin amongst pennies,” notes recruitment team leader Mackenzie Roth ‘23. “We would even inspect the jackets for fakes so effortlessly when the girls visited the house, but now it’s like, we have to do some real work. Do you know how hard it is to find these random parents’ tax statements?” 

The girls have not given up, however, with many fighting for their lives to bring in an impeccably affluent member class. In fact, many sororities have enlisted the work of a screen zoom feature, to be able to flush out every little detail of the Zoomer. 

An avid user of her computer’s enlarge feature, Roth noted the perils of her journey: “it’s, like, hard to tell if it’s real Cartier now. Like I can’t even touch it. We need brave soldiers like me to find out,” she said, inches away from the screen of her golden Mac, inspecting every pixel of a rushee for signs of a trust fund. 

At press time, Roth was seen at their computer getting to know the girl on the other side of the screen, asking, “So where do you summer?”

Sorority’s Entire New Member Class Already Deactivated

KAPPA NU KAPPA—In a disastrous start to the sisterhood of Kappa Nu Kappa’s semester, the entire new member class deactivated from the sorority within two days of receiving their bids.

“Usually sisters of Nu Kappa wait to deactivate until they’re juniors or seniors,” said sorority president Amy Landerson ‘19. “But it looks like the ladies we got are even more advanced and high-achieving than we expected.”

After spending the extended rush trekking through the snow to different sororities, the frostbitten freshmen were eager to quickly pay their dues, add it to their resumes, and get out.

“They shouldn’t blame themselves,” said Renée Dawson ’22, who deactivated from Nu Kappa Monday evening. “I was just excited to get ahead of the game in the sorority process.”

The sorority’s remaining members are comforted by the fact that sorority life is really about the sisters they made along the way, as well as the upcoming dates of their own deactivations.

OP-ED: I Rushed a Sorority as an Undercover Russian Agent

I am not a sorority girl. I enjoy neither the effeminate American beer nor singing the praises of true democracy with loud girls. However, after receiving orders from Putin himself, I found myself in the throngs of brainwashed, constitution-loving idiots, blending in well with my collection of Johnny Cash T-shirts.

Why subject myself to this water they call vodka? I was on a mission to infiltrate the enemy and share the joys of overbearing totalitarian rule!

Let me explain myself before you uncultured cowboys raise your pitchforks and rev up your tractors. Ever since I physically manifested from the power of the Volga River, this nation of idiots has nagged at my conscience. I have never been satisfied by my noble government’s efforts to educate this opinion-spouting horde of dimwits.

So this was my assignment— to rush a sorority as an undercover agent and re-educate the USA, one group of Clint Eastwood-loving blondies at a time.

Like a babushka on her porch, I patiently waited for the perfect moment to slide undetected into their cesspool of laments about political processes. However, I quickly realized I was unprepared. In fact, I almost blew my cover when I was grabbed by a joyful “third-party” voter and interrogated about my personal information. The revelation of a legitimate two-party system was already shocking to me, so one can imagine my reaction to this American delusion.

That said, while these American snakes are sneaky, I was much more clever. “Yes! My name is Mary Samantha Smith, and I love to be American patriot. I live in great state of New York City. Go democracy and hamburgers!”

The feeble-minded ditzes did not suspect a thing, instead offering me a glass of water and asking me about my major. Silly little child, I muttered, how easily she must think I will succumb to her treachery. I knew that such poison would not pacify the beast of Russian pride that resides deep in my heart.

One by one, I went to each country girl and memorized their hometowns and favorite classes, knowing the intelligence would be the key to creating a new curriculum free of Western bias. They tried to break me with their incessant smile-nodding and complimentary hand warmers, but I was stronger than they thought.

I finished that fateful day with a hair full of glitter and a heart full of flames raging ferociously for the Motherland! Ura! Ura!

Big Doesn’t Know if Little Is Really Hers or Not

PHI ZETA BETA NU HOUSE — At 1:39 p.m. this Sunday in a warm living room, Lizzy Samuels ‘17 gave birth to 19-year-old Erica Derraugh, the newest addition to the Mystical Lineage of Phi Zeta Beta Nu, Gamma Lamma Chapter. But to everyone’s horror, Samuels soon began to doubt whether her little was truly to hers and the Mystical Lin’s after all.

“After I recovered from the initial excitement of seeing my Grandlittle for the first time, I noticed that she had brown eyes. Everyone in our lin has blue eyes,” said Meghan Kozak ‘16, Samuels’ big. “How is that even possible? I don’t want to say it, but maybe Lizzy isn’t… isn’t the big.”

This shocking realization led to some sorority members to wonder whether Derraugh was even from the sorority at all, or whether she was accidentally swapped with another little from rivals Alpha Upsilon Epsilon.

“I can’t roll my tongue, but she can, and I hear that’s genetic,” said Samuels. “I just want my questions answered– I don’t think I could raise her as my own knowing it was all a lie.”

Despite the doubts and after many grueling hours of interrogations and tears, it was revealed that Derraugh’s favorite cocktail is Sex on the Beach, so she must be truly, biologically part of the lineage.

Sororities to Transform Potential New Members Into Mystical Fairy Creatures

WEST CAMPUS — Sororities have prepared to welcome a new class of young women who, by the end of Rush Week, will transformed into mystical, glitter-breathing fairy creatures.

“This is all going to be worth it, we shall be perfected by Bid Day,” gushed Quinn Pepperdine ’19, as the next step in the metamorphosis, her bare skin turning purple from the cold, was completed. The only changes left would be the smudging of her mascara and the sprouting of wings.

Daily rites performed by current members include savagely pounding on the walls to loud music, thought to awaken the higher powers of the Panhellenic Community who would bestow upon the young rushees the best Bigs in the world and the magical ability to take the perfect selfie at the end of their week-long evolution.

“Each time we scream at the girls, our shrill voices echo through their mind and instill in them our commitment to sisterhood,” explained Marissa Redding ’16 with a serene smile, who added that the women who could not evolve and adapt to their surroundings during the recruitment rounds would be weeded out by natural selection.

At press time, the girls were spotted emerging from their heavy coats and winter boots, ready to discover a higher and more worthy realm of existence.