Stephanie Beatriz Asked to Solve the Mystery of Why You’re Single During Valentine’s Day CUPB Show

This article was sponsored by CUPB: Stephanie Beatriz is coming to Cornell on February 14th at Bailey Hall. Join CUPB, MCFAB, and Haven for a moderated Q&A to get a behind-the-scenes look at the hit show and her career. Beatriz is not only known for her hit show Brooklyn Nine-Nine but also for her outspoken advocacy for LGBTQ+ rights and queer representation. Tickets are available at CornellTickets.com

BAILEY HALL—As she takes the stage this Valentine’s Day at 7:00, Stephanie Beatriz, beloved for her role as Detective Rosa Diaz on the hit show “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”, will be facing a pressing conundrum: why your sorry ass is all alone.

“It’s going to be amazing,” noted desperate romantic Victor Romero ‘22. “I mean, I had to bail on my girlfriend to come spend Valentine’s Day listening to another woman speak, but I’m honestly so excited to watch her piece together a real life mystery!”

Romero isn’t the only Cornell student eager to see the actress solve the puzzle of romantic snafus during her dinnertime show on the evening internationally regarded as the most romantic day of the year.

“Of course I could have had Valentine’s plans,” said Joanna McMahon ‘21. “I must have said no to five, maybe six group dates, dinners, date nights and mixers. It was way more important to me to learn why I’m somehow still single, and come to this Friday night show all alone.” 

At press time, the Cornell University Programming Board suggested maybe, possibly, kind of ditching your Valentine and spending the evening getting sassed by Detective Rosa Diaz. You probably spend plenty of time watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine alone anyway, what’s one more night?

OP-ED: There’s No Chance I’m Buying a Ticket to Your A Cappella Show Until You Come to My Show

This post is sponsored by the Skits Sketch Comedy Troupe, the oldest sketch comedy group at Cornell. Their fall show is this Friday at 9 PM in Barnes Hall, and you can buy $5 tickets at the door or by messaging their Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/CornellSkits/.

As always, there’s no chance in hell that I will walk all the way to Call Auditorium for your a cappella concert unless I see you in the audience at my comedy show this Friday at 9pm.

Oh, you hate fun and don’t want to sit through an hour of comedy? Then good luck getting me to venmo you the $5 for a ticket, cause we both know your mediocre collective screechings are a far cry from my group’s carefully planned, cutting-edge comedic talent.

It’s fine that you text me for the first time all year advertising your stupid show. I have no need for your friendship. I’ll even be doing the same, but for an awesome show. But if you’re inviting me to a juvenile Facebook event whose cover photo doesn’t even fit Facebook’s dimensions, you’d better make damn sure you’ve already clicked “going” to my thoughtfully-crafted event that I sent you last week.

You know, Miranda tried to convince me last semester that she came to the first part of my show, even throwing in a reference to one of our many hilarious jokes from the night. But Miranda seemed to not realize I always check tickets, so I knew she only saw a clip of the show from my Instagram story. So guess whose dance troupe performance had one fewer audience member? That’s right, Miranda’s. And I heard like no one else went, anyway.

I don’t want that sad, shameful event to happen to you. If you think of my show as a wasted hour, know that a full year of my life will be sucked away from listening to you bellow a song from some overplayed pop album. But hey, I’m a woman of my word: Come to my show Friday at 9pm in Barnes Hall and I’ll return the favor.

‘Insecure’ Actor to Perform for Insecure Students

This post is sponsored by Cornell University Program Board (CUPB). Amanda Seales will be performing stand-up at this Saturday, November 3 at 7pm in Statler Auditorium! Tickets are on sale for $5 at cornellconcerts.com.

STATLER HALL—Capitalizing upon the success of her role in HBO’s Insecure, Amanda Seales is set to perform stand-up comedy this Saturday before an audience of up to 700 insecure Cornell students.

“I’m excited to take what I’ve learned from acting on Insecure to my set in front of students beaten down by prelims, wondering if they deserve to attend Cornell,” said Seales, who added that she’s excited to “give back” to the insecure community.

Students around campus who are deeply unsure of whether their friends truly like them have expressed excitement about the upcoming performance. “I’m a huge fan of the show! Also, I am in a constant panic spiral about whether my parents are disappointed in me. So I’ve made sure to get front-row seats,” said Dante Myers ‘20.

While Seales is expected to deliver a hilarious performance, organizers are afraid students will hold their laughter after each joke in case the person next to them thinks it isn’t funny.

ROUND II: 2nd Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament!

Click to see enlarged bracket.

Vote here for round II! 

The results are in – you voted, and 32 majors have moved on to round two of this year’s tournament! There were some huge upsets. Who could have predicted 16 seed Fiber Science to beat out the one seed Hotel Administration? And how did French manage to get past D. Soc by two votes?!?

Obviously, the stakes are heating up. Every vote counts. Bring your major to the next round by clicking the link above!

Skits Alum ‘93 Surprised ‘Women Belong In the Kitchen’ Joke Isn’t Killing Like It Used To

This post is sponsored by The Skits. Go see The Skits Present: Shouldn’t We Have Graduated By Now – A 25th Anniversary Alumni Show, Saturday, March 10th at 9:00pm in Barnes Hall. Tickets are $5 and available at www.theskits.com or by emailing skitscomedy@gmail.com

BARNES HALL—The much anticipated Skits 25th anniversary show hit an awkward patch during rehearsals, when returning member Landon Johnson ‘93 performed an off-color sketch about gender norms.

“I don’t get it, we did the same exact sketch where we made Balch Hall an elaborate kitchen 25 years ago, and the bit killed! I remember Candace made a damn good sandwich joke,” said Johnson.

Current Skits members noted their discomfort working with Johnson for his archaic manners, such as referring to female members as “broads” and advising them to smile more for the actual show.

“Yeah this guy really seems stuck in the past, but he’s our founder so I couldn’t stop him from coming. He even kept incorrectly referring to Jared as club president,” said Jackie Parcells ‘18, current Skits president.

After several groans and a prolonged silence during practice runs, the comedy group has decided to also cut Johnson’s second skit about the Native American program house being an ancient burial ground.

OP-ED: I Rushed a Sorority as an Undercover Russian Agent

I am not a sorority girl. I enjoy neither the effeminate American beer nor singing the praises of true democracy with loud girls. However, after receiving orders from Putin himself, I found myself in the throngs of brainwashed, constitution-loving idiots, blending in well with my collection of Johnny Cash T-shirts.

Why subject myself to this water they call vodka? I was on a mission to infiltrate the enemy and share the joys of overbearing totalitarian rule!

Let me explain myself before you uncultured cowboys raise your pitchforks and rev up your tractors. Ever since I physically manifested from the power of the Volga River, this nation of idiots has nagged at my conscience. I have never been satisfied by my noble government’s efforts to educate this opinion-spouting horde of dimwits.

So this was my assignment— to rush a sorority as an undercover agent and re-educate the USA, one group of Clint Eastwood-loving blondies at a time.

Like a babushka on her porch, I patiently waited for the perfect moment to slide undetected into their cesspool of laments about political processes. However, I quickly realized I was unprepared. In fact, I almost blew my cover when I was grabbed by a joyful “third-party” voter and interrogated about my personal information. The revelation of a legitimate two-party system was already shocking to me, so one can imagine my reaction to this American delusion.

That said, while these American snakes are sneaky, I was much more clever. “Yes! My name is Mary Samantha Smith, and I love to be American patriot. I live in great state of New York City. Go democracy and hamburgers!”

The feeble-minded ditzes did not suspect a thing, instead offering me a glass of water and asking me about my major. Silly little child, I muttered, how easily she must think I will succumb to her treachery. I knew that such poison would not pacify the beast of Russian pride that resides deep in my heart.

One by one, I went to each country girl and memorized their hometowns and favorite classes, knowing the intelligence would be the key to creating a new curriculum free of Western bias. They tried to break me with their incessant smile-nodding and complimentary hand warmers, but I was stronger than they thought.

I finished that fateful day with a hair full of glitter and a heart full of flames raging ferociously for the Motherland! Ura! Ura!

“I Could’ve Done Better” Reports Friend Group Jokester After Comedy Show

This post is sponsored by The Skits. Come see The Skits Present: Family Dinner, Friday, December 1st at 8:30pm in Statler auditorium. Tickets are $5 and available at www.theskits.com or by emailing skitscomedy@gmail.com

STATLER AUDITORIUM—After a rousing comedy sketch show,classic friend group jokester Freddie Huang ‘18 reported that, in his own honest opinion, he “could’ve done it better.”

“Yeah that’s right, I said it,” Huang boasted, leaving his enthused friends dangling after every word. “That last sketch would’ve been much better if it was in a submarine versus the cliched airplane setting they decided to use. And don’t even get me started on the prop quality.”

Huang then educated the group about how the chairs all should’ve had whoopie cushions pre-placed on them, his friends responding with healthy chortles.

Huang later went home to listen to his favorite podcast which, unbeknownst to his friends, has formed the basis of his entire humour repository.

Early Grad to Gain Real-World Experience in Unemployment

LINDEN AVE—Following his imminent graduation in December, senior Parker Samuels ‘18 will gain valuable real-world experience in being unemployed.

“There seems to be a stigma attached to having no job lined up,” observed Samuels. “But just like other post-grad plans, being unemployed is a full-time commitment.”

The early grad added that with four years of experience being jobless in college, Cornell has prepared him exceptionally well to take on his new chapter in life.

“While my friends stress about more unfamiliar tasks, paperwork, and meetings, all I’ll have to do is continue to avoid responsibility, which I’ve gotten really good at since freshman year,” explained the confident alum-to-be.

Sources confirmed that Samuels is already practicing for his new endeavor by staying indoors, alternating between video games and Pornhub while wearing the same boxers for four days straight.

Undergrad TA Actually Helps A Student

PHYSICAL SCIENCES BUILDING—After having spent three months last year studying Intro Physics and receiving a B in the class, Undergraduate TA Chet Fairweather ’19 demonstrated his physics expertise by actually helping a student.

“I normally send people with questions directly to the more experienced grad TAs or the professor, and that’s pretty much my role here,” explained Fairweather, who noted that although Adderall helped him through the course, he is unfortunately unable to supply it during office hours.

In an attempt to encourage students to think they have adequate resources to succeed, Cornell has increased its number of undergraduate TAs, who offer services such as being silent, sitting in the corner of the classroom, and pretending they remember the material.

“Most of them just stare at the walls and don’t offer much help,” said Meredith Reiner ’21, “but Chet actually knows what he’s talking about. The other day, I asked him what the date was and he fell within two days of the correct answer. Then I asked him about static friction and he told me that he enjoys friction. Chet is awesome!”

Inspired by his own genius, Fairweather plans to tackle new and greater physics questions through other courses, like “PHYS 1201: Why is the Sky Blue?”

Freshman Gives Up On Losing Virginity After Failing to Hook Up During O-Week

MEWS HALL– After failing to hook up during his first weekend of college, Freshman Jonny Waters is convinced that he will never fulfill his dream of losing his virginity and will therefore remain celibate for the rest of his life.

“I went to a ton of parties, met some girls, but wasn’t able to seal the deal,” Jonny said while searching on Amazon for chastity belts. “I even got a girl’s number on the first night of O-week, and I thought that in a few days I would’ve hooked up with her at least three or four times.”

“Going into the weekend, I told myself that if I’ll ever have sex, it’s now or never. And apparently, it’s going to be never,” Jonny mumbled, while gloomily looking at a box of condoms still in the shrink wrap that he then chucked into the garbage fully knowing they were never going to be used.

However, Jonny is taking the news in stride, as he was seen in his lounge adding a one gallon bottle of hand lotion to his Amazon order.