MYRON TAYLOR HALL— After a week of outrage surrounding an interrupted Ann Coulter event led to calls for expulsion, Bobo the Clown has stepped forward to clarify the cause of the dearth of fart noises and clown music.
“Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry!” exclaimed Bobert Ringling ‘24. “All I’ve heard for the last week is how immature the clown music and fart noises were, but I want you to know I didn’t have much of a choice. See, I housed a quart of ice cream for lunch and I’m lactose intolerant, so that was completely out of my control. As for the music, I have a tiny band that follows me around in my tiny car playing polka songs constantly. I’m really sorry it disrupted the event, but imagine what it’s like trying to sleep with Weird Al parody instrumentals playing directly into your ear. Please, I’m begging here, don’t expel me until you’ve walked a mile in my oversized shoes.”
Administration, which vowed to quickly crack down on any disruptions, has scheduled student misconduct hearings for Bobo, vowing that the system will handle any goofiness and silliness in due time. Cornell’s conservative groups have doubled down on calls for punishment, demanding the University “send Bobo through the Ring of Fire.” President Pollack released a statement outlining what comes next.
“Cornell values free expression, and will do what is necessary to restore order,” claimed President Pollack. “Fart noises and clown music are not permitted at Cornell, along with any other sounds that entertain the rabble. We are dedicated to protecting any speaker’s ego, and the horrific noises directed at Ann Coulter are clearly nothing short of violence. As such, Bobo will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”
Campus conservatives dropped all charges against Bobo after realizing his circus’ various connections to animal abuse.