Nooz Staff November 28, 2018

OP-ED: There’s No Chance I’m Buying a Ticket to Your A Cappella Show Until You Come to My Show

This post is sponsored by the Skits Sketch Comedy Troupe, the oldest sketch comedy group at Cornell. Their fall show is this Friday at 9 PM in Barnes Hall, and you can buy $5 tickets at the door or by messaging their Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/CornellSkits/.

As always, there’s no chance in hell that I will walk all the way to Call Auditorium for your a cappella concert unless I see you in the audience at my comedy show this Friday at 9pm.

Oh, you hate fun and don’t want to sit through an hour of comedy? Then good luck getting me to venmo you the $5 for a ticket, cause we both know your mediocre collective screechings are a far cry from my group’s carefully planned, cutting-edge comedic talent.

It’s fine that you text me for the first time all year advertising your stupid show. I have no need for your friendship. I’ll even be doing the same, but for an awesome show. But if you’re inviting me to a juvenile Facebook event whose cover photo doesn’t even fit Facebook’s dimensions, you’d better make damn sure you’ve already clicked “going” to my thoughtfully-crafted event that I sent you last week.

You know, Miranda tried to convince me last semester that she came to the first part of my show, even throwing in a reference to one of our many hilarious jokes from the night. But Miranda seemed to not realize I always check tickets, so I knew she only saw a clip of the show from my Instagram story. So guess whose dance troupe performance had one fewer audience member? That’s right, Miranda’s. And I heard like no one else went, anyway.

I don’t want that sad, shameful event to happen to you. If you think of my show as a wasted hour, know that a full year of my life will be sucked away from listening to you bellow a song from some overplayed pop album. But hey, I’m a woman of my word: Come to my show Friday at 9pm in Barnes Hall and I’ll return the favor.

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