WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The beginning of each semester is filled with students vying for acceptances into the ranks of Cornell’s most competitive extracurricular organizations. This semester, the Cornell Startup Fund For High Potential Future Entrepreneurs (CSF^2HPFE) appears to have claimed the title of lowest acceptance rate, after receiving exactly zero applications.
“Every semester we face the tough decision of deciding which of our qualified applicants are talented enough to join CSF^2HPFE. It always hurts to reject an applicant, but I hope seeing just how low our acceptance rate was this semester, it will motivate them to try harder and beat the odds the next time around,” stated club president Drew Branfield ‘22.
Applying for CSF^2HPFE consists of an intensive five part process that includes a letter of recommendation, written essay, three rounds of interviews, and two-day survival retreat.
“As soon as I’d heard of CSF^2HPFE I thought it would be the perfect fit for me,” says Alex Ferber ‘23, founder of a biomedical device startup that went public in 2021, “I’d even gotten Jack Dorsey from Twitter to write a letter of recommendation. But after hearing about Drew’s achievements [Founder of CSF^2HPFE, Dean’s List All Semesters] I didn’t know if I’d done enough to warrant applying.”
The club, established in 2018, prides itself on attracting only the most driven, innovative, and revolutionary students in the business sphere, evident by its current membership consisting of Branfield ‘22, and Kyle Branfield ‘24, Drew Branfield’s younger brother.
After weeks of tumultuous, passionate and near-violent discussion, the Executive Board of Cornell’s Student Macrame Initiative has failed to reach consensus on the color of official club merchandise.
“It would be absolutely unethical to allow any merch to be ordered in this shade of red,” Vice President of Outreach James London explained. “First of all, it’s extremely tacky. What is this tone, Crimson? Scarlet? Rose? We’d be much better off with a toned down shade like Sangria or Burgundy. I will not let our esteemed macrame society be tarnished by such frippery and frivolity, even if I have to take the entire process down with me.”
During the second meeting of the semester, different merch factions attempted to compromise by forming a coalition to push the sweatshirt through voting. However, other members were able to block this action due to a technicality in the club’s constitution allowing for a “merch filibuster” on the grounds that the merch designs contained improper color schemes.
“I was really optimistic going into last week’s all-hands meeting,” club Treasurer Jordan Manley ‘25 remembered. “It’s the only job I have this semester, so I had lots of really creative designs and options for everyone. I’m talking club T-shirts, bucket hats, sweatshirts, and a really nice bomber jacket that we could get for just $225 per member. Unfortunately, I think the color thing really put people off, and now there’s a turf war between the Scarlet Squad and the Burgundy Boys that I’m caught in the middle of.”
As of writing, the Macrame Initiative was able to place an order of Sangria-shade sweatshirts, only to be blocked by Cornell’s Campus Activities Office for violating the university’s copyright on “Carnelian Red.”
DYSON—Cornell University’s business fraternities are in a state of totality after a stunning revelation has upended their very world. It all began Monday morning when during a recruiting call with Morgan Stanley, the moderator Kaity Moleeto ‘17 revealed that she had first been drawn to investment banking when a classmate in her financial accounting course during her freshman year asked if she had any interest in entering finance. When asked during the Q&A which business fraternity Moleeto had been a part of in her time at Cornell, the alumna paused for a moment before saying “I’m going to level with you guys, I never saw the need to join one. I was able to connect with enough people who would be in the industry with me by making friends in class.”
The shockwaves that Moleeto inadvertently created have caused an identity crisis among the business fraternities on campus. It would appear that the radical notion of being friendly to peers in class has largely not been factored into the culture of Cornell’s business frats, which have relied on endless case studies and binge drinking as their foremost networking practices.
Roberta Hoal, a junior in Dyson who attended the call, was astonished by this notion- “What did she mean she wasn’t in a business frat? How can you work in finance if you don’t join PGN, DSP, or even the Cornell Hedge Fund??”
Hoal was not the only audience member who was taken aback by the idea of someone successfully networking outside of a pre-professional setting. Aidan Swaak, a senior who sources claim “won’t shut the fuck up” about his return offer to Citi, was visibly crushed to learn that making friends in class is also a good way to find connections in finance.
“I honestly don’t know how to move forward. I’ve been in a business frat since I was a freshman thinking that was the only way to make it to Wall Street.” said Swaak, continuing, “I wouldn’t have spent hours in Excel doing analytical simulations if I’d known the kids in my classes were also trying to work in finance.”
NORTH CAMPUS—After a first few weeks filled with uncertainty and confusion, Cornell clubs have resumed their reassuring annual tradition of merciless combat over freshmen who clearly have no interest in joining those clubs.
“Honestly, it’s flattering that they want me to join,” admitted John Bates ‘25. “But I’m just not the type of person they’re looking for. Engaging in politics and making a difference? Learning a new skill to relax and make cool things for my friends? I’m looking for something more my speed, probably a club that doesn’t chase me up the stairs of Dickson begging me to apply to something I will definitely get rejected from.”
In reports made to the Tatkon Center for First-Year Students, various freshmen claim to have been caught in the middle of a co-curricular crossfire while taking leisurely strolls around RPCC or Appel Commons. Transfer students have reported a constant feeling of being watched by their RA who just learned the art of crochet. Yet, according to the clubs themselves, their efforts are simply unavoidable.
“Look, we aren’t here to make anyone uncomfortable.” explained Advocacy Project secretary Alice Kemp ‘23. “But those knitting nerds have quarter cards in every common space, every rec center, and there isn’t a co-op board around without their contact information. If we don’t teach these freshmen about the wonders of civic participation before they sink their needles in, they’re goners. ClubFest is war, and the Advocacy Project takes all the prisoners it can.”
At press time, freshmen concerned over the intensity and squareness of the rival clubs have found asylum in the humanitarian, chill recruiting efforts of Cornell’s leading satire paper.
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Last Monday, Max Trent ‘23 and twenty of his fellow ROTC cadets boarded one of the last flights to Kabul alongside American soldiers for an enticing cultural enrichment study abroad program in Afghanistan.
“I’m super excited to go to Kay-bull,” said an excited Trent, “it gets so cold here in Ithaca I’m really looking forward to spending all semester in the nice warm desert with the Afgangi’s. We’re super excited to be on this mission, it’ll be a nice break from the prelim season.”
Last week, the U.S. military, low on volunteers, reached out to Cornell and other American universities for the last few people who couldn’t say no. In their recruitment, the military sought out the loudest and most confident individuals, all of whom claimed they could beat the Taliban blindfolded and without fellow ROTC cadet and certified alpha male Beermaster’s help.
The ROTC boys were excited to participate in a range of cultural activities such as archaeological digs for vital mineral resources the US left behind, paper macheing CIA documents that had not yet been destroyed, and a bowling night at the former U.S. embassy.
“I think I stand a really good chance against the Taliban,” Trent added. “Yeah they have tons of abandoned American weaponry, but do they have Bront, Mitch, and Cody on their side? My boy Beermaster can run a mile shirtless in 18 minutes, can the Taliban do that?”
Tragically, Trent’s confidence wavered as soon as their plane landed in Afghanistan, and even the soothing voice of Beermaster couldn’t prevent his pants from wettening.
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—With the inception of the Fall 2021 semester, Cornell clubs have lifted their controversial policy allowing recent alumni to remain in group chats despite no longer qualifying as official members.
“While there is no question that the Covid-19 pandemic has made it difficult for new graduates to explore new opportunities, that does not mean we can simply override club rules at the drop of a hat,” said George Adrian ‘22, vice president of the hip-hop tribute group 2Pacapella. “Any such policy would have to be put in place by the SAFC itself.”
The moratorium, which has extended all the way back to March 2020, grew increasingly divisive throughout the summer of 2021 as two fully graduated classes lingered in undergrad-specific clubs. Hailed as a crucial protection by advocates and derided as an unjustified handout by critics, the unofficial but near-universal policy faced renewed backlash as past members began to take space away from 2025 first-years. Still, its removal has been met with mixed emotions, with the harshest criticism coming from the affected classes.
“I did so much for that club, and this is how they repay me?” cried Cam Elliott ‘20. “My whole life was back there in 2Pacapella. Where am I supposed to go now? People tell me to just find another singing group devoted to the life and works of Tupac Shakur, but they don’t know it’s not that simple. Cast out alone, I may be forced to join some group exalting a much less influential artist… god, I can’t even imagine what that would mean for me.”
At press time, clubs announced that executive board chats would be exempt from the ruling “in case we don’t know how some of the stuff works.”
WILMINGTON, DE—Following a rallying end-of-semester speech from Salsa Club’s president, G-Body members were left staring at a Zoom dialogue box after meeting host VP Doug Bowens ’21 brazenly chose the “End Meeting for All” function.
“This was my last club meeting as a Cornell student,” reminisced woeful President Devon Andes ’20, awkwardly closing the dialogue box before the 5-second timer hit zero. “I had a lineup of thank-you’s to give out to this year’s E-Board, so I guess I’ll just text them.”
Hundreds of miles away, a leather jacket clad Bowens put on Ray Bans, leaned back in his chair, and lit up a cigarette. “Sorry kids but this Zoom meeting ends when I say so. You want forgiveness? Go to church.”
At press time, a power-tripping Bowens forced members to wait to be admitted and demanded a “please and thank you” before enabling screen share capabilities to all participants.
This article was sponsored by CUPB: Stephanie Beatriz is coming to Cornell on February 14th at Bailey Hall. Join CUPB, MCFAB, and Haven for a moderated Q&A to get a behind-the-scenes look at the hit show and her career. Beatriz is not only known for her hit show Brooklyn Nine-Nine but also for her outspoken advocacy for LGBTQ+ rights and queer representation. Tickets are available at CornellTickets.com
BAILEY HALL—As she takes the stage this Valentine’s Day at 7:00, Stephanie Beatriz, beloved for her role as Detective Rosa Diaz on the hit show “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”, will be facing a pressing conundrum: why your sorry ass is all alone.
“It’s going to be amazing,” noted desperate romantic Victor Romero ‘22. “I mean, I had to bail on my girlfriend to come spend Valentine’s Day listening to another woman speak, but I’m honestly so excited to watch her piece together a real life mystery!”
Romero isn’t the only Cornell student eager to see the actress solve the puzzle of romantic snafus during her dinnertime show on the evening internationally regarded as the most romantic day of the year.
“Of course I could have had Valentine’s plans,” said Joanna McMahon ‘21. “I must have said no to five, maybe six group dates, dinners, date nights and mixers. It was way more important to me to learn why I’m somehow still single, and come to this Friday night show all alone.”
At press time, the Cornell University Programming Board suggested maybe, possibly, kind of ditching your Valentine and spending the evening getting sassed by Detective Rosa Diaz. You probably spend plenty of time watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine alone anyway, what’s one more night?
DAY HALL — Following recent hazing allegations, members of Cornell Mock Trial are eagerly anticipating the potential for legal action.
“We practice our courtroom skills for competitions all year, but we never get to do any real lawyer stuff,” said club President Michael Saks ‘20. “If we get the chance to face an actual lawsuit, we can finally put all those hours of memorizing scripted, over-dramatized courtroom nonsense to work. Those ‘professionally certified’ lawyers won’t know what him ‘em”
In preparation for a potential showdown, members of the team have been getting their stories straight, writing official statements, and taking turns cross-examining each other. “We’re not like those other, non pre-law, idiots who use controversial new member initiation practices; we actually know our legal rights,” said team Treasurer Anelie Won ‘21.
In response to the original allegations of misconduct, the team has reportedly decided to re-evaluate its hazardous initiation policies. The dangerous substance-fueled “Gauntlet” and anxiety-inducing 1000 piece puzzle will soon be replaced with more acceptable new member activities, such as hours of lengthy case-study presentations and a bombardment of mandatory coffee chats.
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following weeks of heightened university emphasis on the perils of hazing, The Professional Fraternity Council is imploring Cornell to only investigate the social fraternities on campus, and to leave the professional frats well enough alone.
“It’s really hard for us to indoctrinate our new members correctly when the administration is breathing down everyone’s necks about ‘forced drinking,’ ‘involuntary undressing,’ and ‘moderate kidnappings,’” commented PFC President Jonathan Ramirez ‘20. “It would be so much cooler if they could just really hammer down on the social frats and leave us to our own devices.”
Cornell students planning on joining these pre-professional organizations are also really hoping that the school redoubles its anti-hazing efforts… against social fraternities.
“I totally get it, hazing is dangerous and stupid and unnecessary,” said Joanna Mason ‘22. “But the administration needs to back off; I’m trying to get into a business frat for my own professional development and I really don’t care if that means getting sprayed with condiments and being verbally abused.”
At press time, new members of Lambda Omega Lambda, Cornell’s Pre-Entertainment Fraternity, gave heartfelt speeches about how the organization would propel their careers through jaws that had been wired shut, with broken arms in slings.