WARREN HALL—Every semester, thousands of Cornellians ambiguously fill out When2Meet surveys seeking an optimal hour to schedule their weekly rendezvous. While scrutinizing the availability of his fellow project teammates, president Edmund Fitch ‘24 was shocked to see that for the first time, the socially inept loner on the team indicated that he was unavailable to…
BARTON HALL—Recently appointed Cornell Hunger Relief officer Mandy Jackson ‘24 made waves at the club fair with a slap heard ‘round the Barton hall track, after victim Matt Long ‘27 tried to grab a coveted pack of Reese’s Pieces. He recounted the harrowing experience, “Ya it was crazy, I was just following my usual club…
MARY DONLON HALL—James Woodhouse ‘26, who took eight shots of strawberry lemonade-flavored Svedka prior to attending ClubFest, awoke Monday morning to a pounding headache and hundreds of unopened GroupMe messages and listserv emails from completely unfamiliar organizations. “Oh god, what the fuck happened yesterday?” cried Woodhouse as he peeled laptop stickers off his clothes. “I’ve…
Perhaps you have seen their strange advertisements. Perhaps one of them has approached you, pushing their product. God forbid, perhaps a “friend” has dragged you to one of their cult-like ceremonies, and charged you money for the privilege! This problem is top of mind for many Cornellians. The instrumentless menace, the unaccompanied scourge, the A…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL–In a refreshing bout of honesty, Cornell’s most exclusively selective premier business club, Cornell Opportunity Consulting, celebrated their graduating class with a new tradition: sharing how thankful all the returning members are to never have to see them again. “Samantha, if it wasn’t for Cornell Opportunity Consulting I would never have had the…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The beginning of each semester is filled with students vying for acceptances into the ranks of Cornell’s most competitive extracurricular organizations. This semester, the Cornell Startup Fund For High Potential Future Entrepreneurs (CSF^2HPFE) appears to have claimed the title of lowest acceptance rate, after receiving exactly zero applications. “Every semester we face the…
After weeks of tumultuous, passionate and near-violent discussion, the Executive Board of Cornell’s Student Macrame Initiative has failed to reach consensus on the color of official club merchandise. “It would be absolutely unethical to allow any merch to be ordered in this shade of red,” Vice President of Outreach James London explained. “First of all,…
DYSON—Cornell University’s business fraternities are in a state of totality after a stunning revelation has upended their very world. It all began Monday morning when during a recruiting call with Morgan Stanley, the moderator Kaity Moleeto ‘17 revealed that she had first been drawn to investment banking when a classmate in her financial accounting course…
NORTH CAMPUS—After a first few weeks filled with uncertainty and confusion, Cornell clubs have resumed their reassuring annual tradition of merciless combat over freshmen who clearly have no interest in joining those clubs. “Honestly, it’s flattering that they want me to join,” admitted John Bates ‘25. “But I’m just not the type of person they’re…
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Last Monday, Max Trent ‘23 and twenty of his fellow ROTC cadets boarded one of the last flights to Kabul alongside American soldiers for an enticing cultural enrichment study abroad program in Afghanistan. “I’m super excited to go to Kay-bull,” said an excited Trent, “it gets so cold here in Ithaca I’m really looking…
