OP-ED: Will I Understand 2Stay2Go if I Haven’t Seen The First One?

COLLEGETOWN—In the era of cinematic universes and album series, it can be difficult to find an attraction that is a standalone, original body of work. Each week it would seem a new follow-up to something emerges onto the scene and staying in the loop has only become more challenging. Franchises have dominated our culture, from McDonald’s to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, so much so that independent works can come and go with little notice from the general public. 

Sometimes an original work can be a much-needed reprieve from the dedication of franchises, so you can only imagine my excitement when I heard about a student-owned and operated dining option. An independent, employee-ran establishment in a world of sequels and spin-offs with delicious menu options? Sign me up! I was incredibly enthusiastic at the prospect of this new spot simply because it wasn’t a tired and overdone destination. But that was until I learned of the name of the place…

2Stay2Go seems like a great idea, run by really inspired and incredibly passionate people who really care about what they’re doing. The only issue is that I haven’t been to StayGo or 1Stay1Go or whatever the prequel is called. The truth is that I’m terrified of not knowing what is going on. I honestly don’t know if there’s a first restaurant out there, but if 2 Fast 2 Furious and Die Hard 2: Die Harder have taught me anything, it’s that you only stylize a title like that for the second entry in a franchise. What happens if I come in and I’m out of the loop? Will the menu have spoilers about the first one? Is 2Stay2Go an instruction? The daunting reality is that I simply do not know what I’m in for and I can only find out by going. In fact, none of us do. Having two 2’s like that in the name usually implies that there’s a first one, right? That’s why I propose the entirety of Cornell’s student body hit up 2Stay2Go and fill in the blanks together. 

If every Cornellian were to go and order this weekend, I guarantee we could get to the bottom of it and figure out exactly what the deal is. Whether or not 2Stay2Go is a sequel or spin-off or continuation or spiritual successor, there’s simply no way that all of us, working together, couldn’t connect the dots.

Increasingly Concerned Ryan Lombardi Makes it to Final Wing Without Tasting Anything

DAY HALLAs Ryan Lombardi, Vice President of Student and Campus Life, finished the penultimate chicken wing in a spicy wing challenge with “Hot Ones” host Sean Evans, he became increasingly worried about his inability to taste any of them.

Lombardi, who pounded through Wings 1 and 2, Sriracha and Franks respectively, initially believed his spice tolerance to be better than he had remembered. However, as he and Evans progressed through sauces topping 300,000 Scovilles, Lombardi’s confidence morphed into confusion then dread.

During the “Explain that Gram” segment of the interview, Lombardi appeared to pull out his phone under the table and glance at the official CDC webpage for COVID-19 symptoms. Lombardi then proceeded to sniff the remaining wings on the table as he felt his forehead and timed his breath.

On the seventh of ten wings, Evans asked Lombardi what his favorite things about Cornell, to which Lombardi replied “Okay… so Tuesday I went to Wegman’s but I was only there for five minutes and washed my hands, Thursday I met with Jerry but we were totally masked and distanced, so it can’t be him. I bet it was Sheryl!  She walked way too close to me in the Day Hall parking lot. I’m sorry what was the question?”

Upon eating the final wing Cornell students and staff received a typo-laden email announcing that university administration were now eligible for complimentary quarantine housing in the Statler Hotel with unlimited food and a $25,000 quarantine stipend.

CS Major Annoyed She Left Women’s Day Conference with No Swag, Just Renewed Sense of Purpose

This article was sponsored by the Smart is Strong Foundation and their International Women’s Day Conference, featuring a powerful and passionate speaker series of women inspiring change in their communities. The theme this year, #BeTheChangeSiS, is built upon igniting positive change by raising awareness of important issues and offering next steps to address them. The event is this Sunday, March 8, from 2-4pm in Klarman KG70—there will be free food! More details available here. 

KLARMAN HALL—Following a day of empowering female speakers and joyful celebration of women in STEM, Christina Jefferson ’22 emerged more confident in her ability to overcome systemic hurdles but frustratingly empty-handed with respect to pens, notebooks, and stickers.

“I really expected that they would be giving out some dope swag, like a fidget spinner or novelty stress toy. Even a phone wallet pocket with the Venus symbol on it would have made the rousing, passionate speakers better,” Jefferson bemoaned.  The programming, which deeply and personally moved Jefferson to work towards lofty goals in the male-dominated tech industry, nevertheless failed to provide any sort of disposable tchotchkes for students to clutter their desks with.

“I got really excited when the keynote speaker, Elena Gupta ‘19, said she was going to leave us with something. I thought for sure it was about to be an Oprah ‘check-under-your-seats’ situation. But then it was just ‘a few parting words’ about the power we as women wield to affect change. I can’t stuff my Cornell ID inside words.”

“Majoring in a STEM field really erodes my confidence, and I worry that I’m not as qualified or talented as my male peers. It would have made me feel so good to get some great knick-knacks that the boys don’t have, but I suppose this life-changing motivation will have to do. I do know what I’m talking about, and my contributions matter!” Given all of this, Jefferson rated the conference as “solid,” despite the lack of free keychains and lanyards.

Jefferson suggested that the “Smart is Strong” organizers could learn a lot from tables at the career fair. “Sure, a recruiter asked me if I was just in the Engineering school to get my ‘M-R-S’ degree, but at least I got a bobblehead of the company’s CEO, who is currently in litigation over three distinct allegations of sexual harassment.”

Stephanie Beatriz Asked to Solve the Mystery of Why You’re Single During Valentine’s Day CUPB Show

This article was sponsored by CUPB: Stephanie Beatriz is coming to Cornell on February 14th at Bailey Hall. Join CUPB, MCFAB, and Haven for a moderated Q&A to get a behind-the-scenes look at the hit show and her career. Beatriz is not only known for her hit show Brooklyn Nine-Nine but also for her outspoken advocacy for LGBTQ+ rights and queer representation. Tickets are available at CornellTickets.com

BAILEY HALL—As she takes the stage this Valentine’s Day at 7:00, Stephanie Beatriz, beloved for her role as Detective Rosa Diaz on the hit show “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”, will be facing a pressing conundrum: why your sorry ass is all alone.

“It’s going to be amazing,” noted desperate romantic Victor Romero ‘22. “I mean, I had to bail on my girlfriend to come spend Valentine’s Day listening to another woman speak, but I’m honestly so excited to watch her piece together a real life mystery!”

Romero isn’t the only Cornell student eager to see the actress solve the puzzle of romantic snafus during her dinnertime show on the evening internationally regarded as the most romantic day of the year.

“Of course I could have had Valentine’s plans,” said Joanna McMahon ‘21. “I must have said no to five, maybe six group dates, dinners, date nights and mixers. It was way more important to me to learn why I’m somehow still single, and come to this Friday night show all alone.” 

At press time, the Cornell University Programming Board suggested maybe, possibly, kind of ditching your Valentine and spending the evening getting sassed by Detective Rosa Diaz. You probably spend plenty of time watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine alone anyway, what’s one more night?

OP-ED: There’s No Chance I’m Buying a Ticket to Your A Cappella Show Until You Come to My Show

This post is sponsored by the Skits Sketch Comedy Troupe, the oldest sketch comedy group at Cornell. Their fall show is this Friday at 9 PM in Barnes Hall, and you can buy $5 tickets at the door or by messaging their Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/CornellSkits/.

As always, there’s no chance in hell that I will walk all the way to Call Auditorium for your a cappella concert unless I see you in the audience at my comedy show this Friday at 9pm.

Oh, you hate fun and don’t want to sit through an hour of comedy? Then good luck getting me to venmo you the $5 for a ticket, cause we both know your mediocre collective screechings are a far cry from my group’s carefully planned, cutting-edge comedic talent.

It’s fine that you text me for the first time all year advertising your stupid show. I have no need for your friendship. I’ll even be doing the same, but for an awesome show. But if you’re inviting me to a juvenile Facebook event whose cover photo doesn’t even fit Facebook’s dimensions, you’d better make damn sure you’ve already clicked “going” to my thoughtfully-crafted event that I sent you last week.

You know, Miranda tried to convince me last semester that she came to the first part of my show, even throwing in a reference to one of our many hilarious jokes from the night. But Miranda seemed to not realize I always check tickets, so I knew she only saw a clip of the show from my Instagram story. So guess whose dance troupe performance had one fewer audience member? That’s right, Miranda’s. And I heard like no one else went, anyway.

I don’t want that sad, shameful event to happen to you. If you think of my show as a wasted hour, know that a full year of my life will be sucked away from listening to you bellow a song from some overplayed pop album. But hey, I’m a woman of my word: Come to my show Friday at 9pm in Barnes Hall and I’ll return the favor.

‘Insecure’ Actor to Perform for Insecure Students

This post is sponsored by Cornell University Program Board (CUPB). Amanda Seales will be performing stand-up at this Saturday, November 3 at 7pm in Statler Auditorium! Tickets are on sale for $5 at cornellconcerts.com.

STATLER HALL—Capitalizing upon the success of her role in HBO’s Insecure, Amanda Seales is set to perform stand-up comedy this Saturday before an audience of up to 700 insecure Cornell students.

“I’m excited to take what I’ve learned from acting on Insecure to my set in front of students beaten down by prelims, wondering if they deserve to attend Cornell,” said Seales, who added that she’s excited to “give back” to the insecure community.

Students around campus who are deeply unsure of whether their friends truly like them have expressed excitement about the upcoming performance. “I’m a huge fan of the show! Also, I am in a constant panic spiral about whether my parents are disappointed in me. So I’ve made sure to get front-row seats,” said Dante Myers ‘20.

While Seales is expected to deliver a hilarious performance, organizers are afraid students will hold their laughter after each joke in case the person next to them thinks it isn’t funny.

Skits Alum ‘93 Surprised ‘Women Belong In the Kitchen’ Joke Isn’t Killing Like It Used To

This post is sponsored by The Skits. Go see The Skits Present: Shouldn’t We Have Graduated By Now – A 25th Anniversary Alumni Show, Saturday, March 10th at 9:00pm in Barnes Hall. Tickets are $5 and available at www.theskits.com or by emailing skitscomedy@gmail.com

BARNES HALL—The much anticipated Skits 25th anniversary show hit an awkward patch during rehearsals, when returning member Landon Johnson ‘93 performed an off-color sketch about gender norms.

“I don’t get it, we did the same exact sketch where we made Balch Hall an elaborate kitchen 25 years ago, and the bit killed! I remember Candace made a damn good sandwich joke,” said Johnson.

Current Skits members noted their discomfort working with Johnson for his archaic manners, such as referring to female members as “broads” and advising them to smile more for the actual show.

“Yeah this guy really seems stuck in the past, but he’s our founder so I couldn’t stop him from coming. He even kept incorrectly referring to Jared as club president,” said Jackie Parcells ‘18, current Skits president.

After several groans and a prolonged silence during practice runs, the comedy group has decided to also cut Johnson’s second skit about the Native American program house being an ancient burial ground.

“I Could’ve Done Better” Reports Friend Group Jokester After Comedy Show

This post is sponsored by The Skits. Come see The Skits Present: Family Dinner, Friday, December 1st at 8:30pm in Statler auditorium. Tickets are $5 and available at www.theskits.com or by emailing skitscomedy@gmail.com

STATLER AUDITORIUM—After a rousing comedy sketch show,classic friend group jokester Freddie Huang ‘18 reported that, in his own honest opinion, he “could’ve done it better.”

“Yeah that’s right, I said it,” Huang boasted, leaving his enthused friends dangling after every word. “That last sketch would’ve been much better if it was in a submarine versus the cliched airplane setting they decided to use. And don’t even get me started on the prop quality.”

Huang then educated the group about how the chairs all should’ve had whoopie cushions pre-placed on them, his friends responding with healthy chortles.

Huang later went home to listen to his favorite podcast which, unbeknownst to his friends, has formed the basis of his entire humour repository.

Cornell Mock Trial Busted for Ambulance Chasing

This article was sponsored by Cornell Mock Trial, a student group that participates and competes nationally in Mock Trial tournaments simulating a fictional court case.

ARTS QUAD — The Cornell Mock Trial team came under fire earlier this week for ambulance chasing, soliciting legal counsel to a student who tripped down the steps outside Goldwin Smith Hall.

“A personal injury suit like this could be worth millions! There’s no ‘watch your step’ sign or handrails on those stairs, you’re entitled to sue for damages and more!” shouted Clayton Brown ’18, a member of the mock trial team as the injured student was carried into an emergency medical van.

“Every time there’s a broken foot or alcohol poisoning on campus, the Cornell Mock Trial team tries to sneak a business card to a potential client,” said a representative from Cornell EMS.

Sources report the American Bar Association will review the undergraduate attorney’s license to practice mock law.

CU Nooz’s Guide to Storing Your Stuff Over Summer Where Stupid Nick Can’t Borrow It Without Asking

This article was sponsored by EzraBox, a student peer-to-peer storage startup that helps find affordable and easy storage options for summer.

It’s almost time for summer break, which means students all over campus are looking for a place to store their belongings in a place where my inconsiderate roommate Nick won’t be able to touch their stuff for the next three months. Here’s a helpful guide on where you can store your belongings over the summer safely, where Nick can’t get to them.

  1. A friend’s apartment, but definitely not Kelsey’s – Chances are you know someone sticking around over the summer, so definitely ask them if they could keep your things at their place. Just don’t ask Kelsey, because I’m pretty sure her and Nick are hooking up, and I bet he wouldn’t think twice using my, I don’t know, goddam toothpaste without asking me first like he does all the time in our Cascadilla dorm.
  1. A storage locker outside of town – This seems a little extreme, for sure, but since there’s only one key and the locker is in a remote location the chances that someone, Nick, could make it all the way out there and use MY FUCKING TOWELS WITHOUT LETTING ME KNOW.
  1. Some lame storage company, as long as you-know-who isn’t working there this summer – What many see as a helpful service to students is actually a haven for moochers who would have no problem using your razor and then not even washing it afterwards, not that they asked in the first place. No names. No names.
  1. My side of the room, dude – Not that it matters to anyone, I guess.
  1. Some trustworthy peer-to-peer storage solution – The good people at student run companies like EzraBox don’t give a goddamn what Nick wants and certainly won’t let him take and then STRETCH OUT my favorite sweater. Like, Nick, you knew that was a birthday present. Christ, I just wanted a cool year with a cool roommate who wasn’t an asshole and just buys his own Gilmore Girls VHS boxset and not borrow mine without rewinding it. It’s just really inconsiderate, you know?

That’s all I’m saying.