November 9, 2017

Early Grad to Gain Real-World Experience in Unemployment

LINDEN AVE—Following his imminent graduation in December, senior Parker Samuels ‘18 will gain valuable real-world experience in being unemployed.

“There seems to be a stigma attached to having no job lined up,” observed Samuels. “But just like other post-grad plans, being unemployed is a full-time commitment.”

The early grad added that with four years of experience being jobless in college, Cornell has prepared him exceptionally well to take on his new chapter in life.

“While my friends stress about more unfamiliar tasks, paperwork, and meetings, all I’ll have to do is continue to avoid responsibility, which I’ve gotten really good at since freshman year,” explained the confident alum-to-be.

Sources confirmed that Samuels is already practicing for his new endeavor by staying indoors, alternating between video games and Pornhub while wearing the same boxers for four days straight.

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