OP-ED: I Did Not Wait in This Line for Two Fucking Hours for Google to Run Out of Company-Branded Stress Toys

BARTON HALL—People warned me not to get into Google’s line at career fair. They told me I’d be better off applying online, that no Google representative would remember the technical challenges I overcame in my CS 3110 final project after talking to hundreds of other students. I didn’t listen to them, because I was led to believe that if I made it to the end of the line, I’d be rewarded with swag I could proudly display my desk. Thanks for making me look like a fucking idiot, Google.

I did not spend weeks perfecting my resume, mock interviewing and workshopping my elevator pitch just to be fucked over because Google neglected to bring more than 5 dozen stress toys. You would think Google, an industry leader in AI and predictive technologies, would realize, “Hey, maybe we shouldn’t force potential hires to choose between water bottles and goddamn pens,” but I guess not.

Oh, wait. Oh my god. I just got an email from Google inviting me to interview next week. The fucking nerve they have! Do they really think that I’m going to forget about how little they care for students like me? Maybe I should go interview, and then when I get an offer, I’ll email my recruiter and say I would have accepted their offer if they gave me a stress toy, but instead I’m going to go work for fucking Bing. That’ll show them.

Fuck this. It’s going to take hours of squishing the stress toys I got from Facebook, Microsoft, Yelp, Squarespace, MongoDB, Yext, Oracle, Palantir, and GrubHub to calm down after this.

Early Grad to Gain Real-World Experience in Unemployment

LINDEN AVE—Following his imminent graduation in December, senior Parker Samuels ‘18 will gain valuable real-world experience in being unemployed.

“There seems to be a stigma attached to having no job lined up,” observed Samuels. “But just like other post-grad plans, being unemployed is a full-time commitment.”

The early grad added that with four years of experience being jobless in college, Cornell has prepared him exceptionally well to take on his new chapter in life.

“While my friends stress about more unfamiliar tasks, paperwork, and meetings, all I’ll have to do is continue to avoid responsibility, which I’ve gotten really good at since freshman year,” explained the confident alum-to-be.

Sources confirmed that Samuels is already practicing for his new endeavor by staying indoors, alternating between video games and Pornhub while wearing the same boxers for four days straight.

President Rawlings Seeks Résumé Critique at Career Services

BARNES HALL — Preparing for his re-entry into the unemployment pool this summer, President Rawlings solicited a member of career services to critique his résumé.

“Now that I’ll be looking for a job again, I thought it would be best for someone to make sure everything is up to date and correctly formatted,” said President Rawlings as he entered the service center.

The career specialist looked at Rawlings’ résumé and noticed several glaring weaknesses, specifically with his job history and age.

“It looks like this is the third time you’ve been let go at this position, you will to have to be prepared to explain that to employers. You should also try to develop some technical skills other than sending mass emails, that would really help you compete with younger applicants who are fresh out of their first presidency position,” said the career services worker.

Despite the several deficiencies apparent in his work experiences, Rawlings hopes that Cornell’s name will be enough to get him a job before inauguration.