OP-ED: I Did Not Wait in This Line for Two Fucking Hours for Google to Run Out of Company-Branded Stress Toys

BARTON HALL—People warned me not to get into Google’s line at career fair. They told me I’d be better off applying online, that no Google representative would remember the technical challenges I overcame in my CS 3110 final project after talking to hundreds of other students. I didn’t listen to them, because I was led to believe that if I made it to the end of the line, I’d be rewarded with swag I could proudly display my desk. Thanks for making me look like a fucking idiot, Google.

I did not spend weeks perfecting my resume, mock interviewing and workshopping my elevator pitch just to be fucked over because Google neglected to bring more than 5 dozen stress toys. You would think Google, an industry leader in AI and predictive technologies, would realize, “Hey, maybe we shouldn’t force potential hires to choose between water bottles and goddamn pens,” but I guess not.

Oh, wait. Oh my god. I just got an email from Google inviting me to interview next week. The fucking nerve they have! Do they really think that I’m going to forget about how little they care for students like me? Maybe I should go interview, and then when I get an offer, I’ll email my recruiter and say I would have accepted their offer if they gave me a stress toy, but instead I’m going to go work for fucking Bing. That’ll show them.

Fuck this. It’s going to take hours of squishing the stress toys I got from Facebook, Microsoft, Yelp, Squarespace, MongoDB, Yext, Oracle, Palantir, and GrubHub to calm down after this.