Tag: Career Fair

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Small Company at Career Fair Just Happy to be There

BARTON HALL—In the midst of representatives from much larger companies, Tony Brown, CEO and recruiter for a small software company based in Connecticut, reported that he was honestly just grateful for the opportunity to attend this semester’s career fair.

“Sure, the bigger companies tend to get more attention, but I think our mission will really appeal to a lot of students,” Brown said, right before a student asked him where the Facebook table was.

While other companies had drawstring backpacks and t-shirts to lure in potential recruits, Brown showed up to the career fair with a paltry number of stress balls and a few phone wallets. “Every few minutes a student will walk over, grab some swag, and leave. Even though they didn’t ask about career opportunities, I’m really glad they approached our table!”

“I’m super excited to be here and show Cornell what makes our company special,” Brown continued as several students hurried past, making a beeline towards the light blue Goldman Sachs table.

As the rest of Barton Hall bustled with blazer-clad upperclassmen with their sights set on Bloomberg or Google, Brown continued to stand behind his table alone, practicing his freshman internship pitch, and really just doing his best.

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OP-ED: I Did Not Wait in This Line for Two Fucking Hours for Google to Run Out of Company-Branded Stress Toys

BARTON HALL—People warned me not to get into Google’s line at career fair. They told me I’d be better off applying online, that no Google representative would remember the technical challenges I overcame in my CS 3110 final project after talking to hundreds of other students. I didn’t listen to them, because I was led to believe that if I made it to the end of the line, I’d be rewarded with swag I could proudly display my desk. Thanks for making me look like a fucking idiot, Google.

I did not spend weeks perfecting my resume, mock interviewing and workshopping my elevator pitch just to be fucked over because Google neglected to bring more than 5 dozen stress toys. You would think Google, an industry leader in AI and predictive technologies, would realize, “Hey, maybe we shouldn’t force potential hires to choose between water bottles and goddamn pens,” but I guess not.

Oh, wait. Oh my god. I just got an email from Google inviting me to interview next week. The fucking nerve they have! Do they really think that I’m going to forget about how little they care for students like me? Maybe I should go interview, and then when I get an offer, I’ll email my recruiter and say I would have accepted their offer if they gave me a stress toy, but instead I’m going to go work for fucking Bing. That’ll show them.

Fuck this. It’s going to take hours of squishing the stress toys I got from Facebook, Microsoft, Yelp, Squarespace, MongoDB, Yext, Oracle, Palantir, and GrubHub to calm down after this.

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Freshman Boasts Outstanding Expected GPA on Résumé

BARTON HALL—Setting himself apart from other candidates at Career Fair, David Lansing ‘21 decided to include an outstanding expected GPA in his résumé.

“I got the idea from my high school guidance counselor,” said the excited freshman while waiting in line to speak with Google representatives. “She basically told me that anyone who’s serious about getting a job should include a high GPA and emphasize their potential for success.”

When asked by recruiters how he calculated a 4.3, Lansing produced his “projected transcript”, which consisted of a list of his current courses with A+s written next to each in ballpoint pen, except for one course that was just a mediocre A to make things realistic.

“All of the companies I’ve talked to are really taking notice of my expected grade point average,” the confident job applicant gushed. “I’m so glad I chose to place it in a bolder font before my two summers of lifeguarding experience and list of skills, like fluency in English and Microsoft Word.”

Lansing managed to visit seven booths at the Career Fair, practicing his humble nod as each company’s recruiter widened their eyes at his GPA and wordlessly placed his résumé in the coveted pile behind them.

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OP-ED: It’s Not You, It’s Me

Saying this at a Dyson School-sponsored career fair isn’t how I wanted this to go down, but I have to just say it: I’m rejecting your post-graduation offer in order to be an entry-level associate at JP Morgan.

It’s important for you to know that it’s not you or your organizational structure, it’s my carefully balanced need for social standing via successful employment and desire for an idealized future achievable only through a high income early in life. I am a soon-to-be graduate of Cornell University, after all.

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. You’re really great and you’ve been so good to me. Your advocacy for affordable housing policy is admirable. You unearthed my passions in a way I didn’t think possible since I buried them in favor of a safe, stable career. And you made me smile. Not every post-graduate opportunity could do that.

But JP Morgan is a global conglomerate in a world dominated by nearly interchangeable global conglomerates, so the experience is totally transferable. And I have no desire to change or challenge that system and also student loans I need to be thinking about.

I still have the email, for what it’s worth, from my friend, in the Cornell Consulting Club. That was when I first thought I would work for you. You were charming and easy going. You looked like you had a good thing going and I guess I just got swept up in it all. Your interest in community organization is inspiring; your financial team only investing in socially conscious enterprises is exactly what I yearn for in a company. I wanted you, I really did.

It’s been an absolutely magical process, getting to know you at career fair after career fair. And those interviews! Every time we talked, I fell for you more and more. I began to feel like I could really do something engaging with my degree, not merely sell it out to the highest bidder.

But unfortunately I’m not in a place where I can see myself with a firm like you. I just have a lot going on, like my deeply entrenched value system that rates conformity and security over experimenting with my future.

I’m sorry. I know this must be hard, and it hurts me to be saying it too. I’m just not ready for the kind of uncertainty and commitment that it would require to work for you. And that’s not on you. That’s a me thing.

I didn’t want to have to choose like this. But JP Morgan offered me enough money to comfortably live with my debt, even though I can’t live comfortably with myself.

I hope you find someone who’s right for you. Like John. I hear he didn’t get an offer from JP Morgan and he’s probably pretty desperate right now. You should give him a call.

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Confident Freshman Hands J.P. Morgan Resume from High School

BARTON HALL- Jeremy Schmidt ’19, a Freshman AEM major, stopped by today’s career fair to present the J.P. Morgan recruiters with a distinguished copy of the same resume he used in high school.

“National Honor Society AND Recycling Club. Once J.P. Morgan sees that, they can’t turn me down,” stated Schmidt, who is 3 weeks into Intro Microeconomics, his first business-related class ever.

Schmidt argued that his diverse resume sets him apart from other J.P. Morgan hopefuls. “Teamwork? I played little league baseball through 9th grade. Leadership? I was a Counselor in Training at day camp for two weeks last summer. Creativity? I placed 3rd in a school-wide art contest in 10th grade. It’s impossible to look at this resume and think I’m under qualified.”

Schmidt claimed he expects email correspondence from J.P. Morgan this weekend, completely ignoring the “internships for rising juniors and seniors only” sign as he exited.