WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL STAIRCASE—In a landmark win for woman across the nation and Cornell University’s campus, Sophie Yaxley ‘24 witnessed the unthinkable as a girl “man-walked” up the stairs two-at-a-time in a “watershed moment” for gender equality.
“I didn’t even know we had the ability to do that,” said Yaxley ‘24, “I was absolutely stunned. But despite my pure shock that such a delicate, fragile, womanly frame could even muster up that kind of strength, I felt immensely proud that I witnessed the first woman to do it. I was reminded of feminst trail blazers like Alice Paul or Judith Butler, and it was breathtaking to watch. You go girl.”
Such forward-thinking, unwomanly acts brought Cornell Republicans up in arms to fight against the degradation of Western society.
“This is an egregious affront to our country’s moral compass,” said Cornell Republicans member Matt Drone ‘23. “Women, walking up the stairs, two-at-a-time? Next thing you’re going to tell me is that they like to jump down the last three steps. We need to go back when America was great, before radical feminism, when girls would blow over at the slightest gust of wind.”
However, the anonymous woman who completed the feat was also met with a bounty of high praise. Feminist, Gender, and Sexuality Studies professor Portia Wells called it “One for the history books,” noting that “These long strides will lead to huge future breakthroughs, where one day women of all walks of life may even be able to slide down the railing all suave-like.”
This triumph for women inspired an increase in men breaking gender barriers as well, tens of men across campus vowing to wash their hands after going to the bathroom.
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—A recent lack of extremely public meltdowns within Cornell’s student government has led many students to wonder what dumb shit they are getting into this semester.
“I don’t know what to think,” admitted John Hawkinson ‘23. “I haven’t heard anything about them this year, and that kind of scares me. Like, did 30 undergraduates desperately vying for fake power suddenly just get their shit together, or are they secretly trying to abolish the Dyson School as we speak?”
In response to growing anxieties, multiple undergraduates harboring similar beliefs to Hawkinson have formed SA Watch, a committee dedicated to unraveling what is truly going on behind the scenes of this mysterious branch of shared governance. The group has grown exponentially over the past month, and has branched out to following SA members on Instagram, putting polls out on gimmick Instagram accounts, and scouring Cornell’s Reddit. Some members even suggested they actually attend a meeting or read the Sun, but this measure was swiftly voted down.
“I remember so many crises over the last few years,” recalled Jenna Swarthmore ‘22. “Disarmament, BDS, the entirety of last year’s election. It seemed like the SA couldn’t get a single thing done without someone getting cancelled and Ben Shapiro chiming in on Twitter, but now? I mean, I still don’t know what the fuck they’re doing, but at least I haven’t heard anything about it.”
When asked, SA Watch confirmed that no member of their group had voted in the last elections, and that none intended to vote this year either.
URIS HALL—This morning, during the 10:10 lecture for Intro to Cognitive Science, a single student sacrificed his class grade for a piece of pure comedy gold: Jamie McCannon ‘19 answered C on a True/False iClicker question, bringing the lecture hall to its knees in laughs.
“I never thought there could be so much beauty in this world,” said Alexis Corningstone ‘21, one of the Comedy Savior’s classmates. “He is truly a beacon of hope for us.”
Students reported witnessing a golden light of comedy shining off of the Lord McCannon’s Herculean body as he admitted to his historical gag, causing a wave of uproarious, rapturous laughter. “It was as if the soul of comedy itself was in the room with us that day,” said Corningstone.
“I saw that the question only had two answers, and I just knew what I had to do,” said McCannon humbly, bowing his head. “I was born to do this, to sacrifice my grade on this question for the good of the masses.”
Sources attempted to get a statement from the professor during that fateful morning, but he simply hid devil horns under a beanie and walked away, defeated.
LIBE SLOPE—While trekking up Libe Slope last Tuesday, no-quit wolfpack alpha male Chad Roberts ’21 struggled to suppress his labored breathing in front of his friends.
“Are…you…guys…having…as…much… fun…as…I…am?” wheezed Roberts, as his ego and testosterone level started to deteriorate.
Mumbling something unintelligible, the real tough stand-up guy dropped to the ground and fiddled with his shoelace, a tactic his friends recognized as the oldest trick in the book.
“I thought Chad was in peak physical shape. He always talks about how much he can bench, and he dumps creatine in his coffee,” said confused observer Matt Herrington ‘20, before adding that the jacked beefcake was the kind of man’s man you’d want to have a beer with.
Sources confirmed that to redeem himself, the disgraced meathead pre-enrolled in PE 1250: Advanced Weight Training for the Spring, secretly wishing it was Swedish Massage.
LINDEN AVE—Following his imminent graduation in December, senior Parker Samuels ‘18 will gain valuable real-world experience in being unemployed.
“There seems to be a stigma attached to having no job lined up,” observed Samuels. “But just like other post-grad plans, being unemployed is a full-time commitment.”
The early grad added that with four years of experience being jobless in college, Cornell has prepared him exceptionally well to take on his new chapter in life.
“While my friends stress about more unfamiliar tasks, paperwork, and meetings, all I’ll have to do is continue to avoid responsibility, which I’ve gotten really good at since freshman year,” explained the confident alum-to-be.
Sources confirmed that Samuels is already practicing for his new endeavor by staying indoors, alternating between video games and Pornhub while wearing the same boxers for four days straight.
PHYSICAL SCIENCES BUILDING—After having spent three months last year studying Intro Physics and receiving a B in the class, Undergraduate TA Chet Fairweather ’19 demonstrated his physics expertise by actually helping a student.
“I normally send people with questions directly to the more experienced grad TAs or the professor, and that’s pretty much my role here,” explained Fairweather, who noted that although Adderall helped him through the course, he is unfortunately unable to supply it during office hours.
In an attempt to encourage students to think they have adequate resources to succeed, Cornell has increased its number of undergraduate TAs, who offer services such as being silent, sitting in the corner of the classroom, and pretending they remember the material.
“Most of them just stare at the walls and don’t offer much help,” said Meredith Reiner ’21, “but Chet actually knows what he’s talking about. The other day, I asked him what the date was and he fell within two days of the correct answer. Then I asked him about static friction and he told me that he enjoys friction. Chet is awesome!”
Inspired by his own genius, Fairweather plans to tackle new and greater physics questions through other courses, like “PHYS 1201: Why is the Sky Blue?”
ARTS QUAD—Multiple sources confirmed that the guy who streaked the Arts Quad on Wednesday night has a normal dick.
“It looks just like your average, run-of-the-mill dick to me,” reported an unimpressed Jessica Saxon ‘19. “Nothing really to see there.”
Other sources reported similar findings that, although often times streakers will have misshapen, or overly hairy, or obviously infected dicks, this guy’s was pretty standard as far as dicks go. In terms of size, shape, and just overall appearance in general, this streaker’s dick was pretty much the textbook definition of a dick.
Michael Ngo ‘18 testified to this, saying, “I only got a glance, but it seemed to be a healthy, regular dick. Not too big or small, just middle-of-the-road, garden variety dick.”
Although the observers admitted they would soon forget all about the decidedly ordinary dick, the streaker reported to his friends that he gave onlookers a performance they would remember for a lifetime.
BOATYARD GRILL – Looking like highly sophisticated and fully functioning members of society, attendees of Rho Upsilon Tau’s annual fall formal felt no lack of dignity despite several hours of behaving like trash and getting fucked up at a very nice venue.
“It’s really great to enjoy a classy event with everyone dressed up so spiffy to conclude a great semester,” said a finally clean-shaven Noah Sampson ‘18, while shackled to his date and buying his seventh Long Island of the night.
Stylish young women in sleek dresses and heels were seen rummaging through their purses for plastic water bottles full of vodka as their smartly-dressed gentlemen passed out in the corners of one of Ithaca’s most acclaimed five star restaurants.
“The highlight of my evening was when that 1738 song played,” said Kelsey Tucker ‘19, referring to the moment when every refined, elegant, Ivy-League socialite transitioned to the dance floor and slowly grinded to trap music under a low-lit strobe light.
The successful upscale event concluded when the brothers and their dates stumbled off of a puke ridden elementary school bus to go trash their annex.
URIS LIBRARY – Students were temporarily distracted from studying when a loud thud echoed through the cocktail lounge today, taking their focus away from prelims for about ten seconds.
“What was that?” mumbled Kerry Thomas ’18 to herself, who was finishing a problem set for her physics class at the time of the incident. Thomas turned her head to look for the source of the sound, then continued work on her assignment.
“Did you just hear-,” said Adam Milgram ‘20 to Lance Bernardo ‘20, who responded with “Yeah.” The pair was adjacent in a group project room when the unattributed sound occurred, and carried on with their two-person assignment mere seconds after they both acknowledged they heard the same noise.
Headphone wearing library goers, who did not hear the noise that is not yet specifically accounted for, turned their heads around when they noticed everyone else was thrown off. They too returned to their earlier work pace almost immediately.
While the study environment returned to normal in a seemingly infinitesimal amount of time, it was broken again moments later by a student with a soft cough.
OLIN — During an important study period before the last week of classes, Charlie Hodges ’19 was rudely interrupted with a barrage of affectionate texts from his mother, sent randomly and without context on the second Sunday in May.
“Dusting your bookshelves and found your old copy of Peter Rabbit!! Remember when you made me read it to you every night? Missing you a little extra this morning! I love YOU!!! (3 heart emojis)”, Mrs. Hodges sent at 10:30 AM without any clarification as to why this particular morning was more special.
At 10:45, 11:30, and 11:38 AM respectively, Hodges learned that his mother had also “made his favorite breakfast sammie,” “found the cutest baby pictures,” and “absolutely LOVED the flowers that Travis-Next-Door gave HIS mommy.” These unwarranted, heartfelt messages set Hodges back an untold number of hours on studying for his two end of the year, in-class finals.
“Is she just really lonely today?” a flustered and distracted Hodges said, “I told her multiple times that I have a paper and two exams this week, why doesn’t she understand I have my own business to worry about?”
Hodges eventually caved in when his mother had the audacity to FaceTime him four times in a row after he had just started a 10 page paper due tomorrow.