DYSON—Cornell University’s business fraternities are in a state of totality after a stunning revelation has upended their very world. It all began Monday morning when during a recruiting call with Morgan Stanley, the moderator Kaity Moleeto ‘17 revealed that she had first been drawn to investment banking when a classmate in her financial accounting course…
WEST CAMPUS—In response to the recent news that the Ithaca COVID levels have dropped to the point that campus may now return to Green status, several fraternities across campus have expressed concern that this will reflect negatively on Cornell’s Greek life. “Okay, we’re obviously stoked we can go out again, but we hardly had a…
COLLEGETOWN—While not a violation of any official health ordinance, a maskless group of six fraternity brothers hanging out on their porch this weekend was deemed by onlookers as deeply unsettling. “I counted, and their group is definitely less than 10 people,” confirmed Melody Dominguez ’21. “Regardless, something about it still feels like it poses a…
ITHACA—Although anti-lockdown protests have erupted nationwide calling for the reopening of restaurants and other services, Ithaca’s bar scene is clearly not good enough to warrant such protests. “Ever since the party scene died last semester, I’ve frequented all five bars Ithaca has to offer and honestly, not a single one of them is worth saving,”…
SUBTERRANEAN CAVES–In the wake of reports of a mysterious “scuttling noise” and muffled whispers in the walls of the Uris-Olin tunnel, the most recent pledge class of Alpha Delta Chi has reportedly been discovered living a subsistence-based lifestyle deep beneath the Cornell University campus. Having lived underneath campus since the end of the Spring ‘20…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL — Whether it comes to common choices in clothing, similar affectations, or extreme emotional reactions, bitches really do be like that, a pioneering new study has confirmed. Looking at behaviors such as daily horoscope checking, writing notes in five different colors, and making 5-11 Instagram story posts wishing their friend “Happy…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following weeks of heightened university emphasis on the perils of hazing, The Professional Fraternity Council is imploring Cornell to only investigate the social fraternities on campus, and to leave the professional frats well enough alone. “It’s really hard for us to indoctrinate our new members correctly when the administration is breathing down everyone’s…
EDDY STREET — At this year’s Parent’s Weekend, total Frat bro icon Ronald Hernandez ‘90 spent his days overshadowing his painfully less-cool son. “The brothers at his old house really seemed to like him,” said son Richie Hernandez ‘ 23. “They invited him back up in two weeks for their big fall party. And honestly,…
KAPPA NU KAPPA—In a disastrous start to the sisterhood of Kappa Nu Kappa’s semester, the entire new member class deactivated from the sorority within two days of receiving their bids. “Usually sisters of Nu Kappa wait to deactivate until they’re juniors or seniors,” said sorority president Amy Landerson ‘19. “But it looks like the ladies…
WEST CAMPUS—After concluding its dirty rush process, campus fraternity Kappa Mu Psi has begun forcing new members to undergo its dirty hazing process. “Now that the freshmen have gotten a chance to see the house and meet the brothers, it’s a perfect time to start physically and mentally abusing them so they feel more connected…
