Cornell’s Business Frats Shocked To Learn Of Radical New Networking Technique Called “Making Friends In Class”

DYSON—Cornell University’s business fraternities are in a state of totality after a stunning revelation has upended their very world. It all began Monday morning when during a recruiting call with Morgan Stanley, the moderator Kaity Moleeto ‘17 revealed that she had first been drawn to investment banking when a classmate in her financial accounting course…

Read More

Fraternities Concerned Cornell’s Switch to Green Status Might Make Them Appear Socially Responsible

WEST CAMPUS—In response to the recent news that the Ithaca COVID levels have dropped to the point that campus may now return to Green status, several fraternities across campus have expressed concern that this will reflect negatively on Cornell’s Greek life. “Okay, we’re obviously stoked we can go out again, but we hardly had a…

Read More

Group of Frat Boys Without Masks Sitting on Their Porch Does Not Violate Behavioral Compact, Just Vaguely Threatening

COLLEGETOWN—While not a violation of any official health ordinance, a maskless group of six fraternity brothers hanging out on their porch this weekend was deemed by onlookers as deeply unsettling.  “I counted, and their group is definitely less than 10 people,” confirmed Melody Dominguez ’21. “Regardless, something about it still feels like it poses a…

Read More
Ashley He/Cornell Daily Sun

Ithaca Bar Scene Not Good Enough to Warrant Anti-Lockdown Protests

ITHACA—Although anti-lockdown protests have erupted nationwide calling for the reopening of restaurants and other services, Ithaca’s bar scene is clearly not good enough to warrant such protests. “Ever since the party scene died last semester, I’ve frequented all five bars Ithaca has to offer and honestly, not a single one of them is worth saving,”…

Read More

Underground Fraternity’s Entire Pledge Class Discovered in Sub-Campus Cave Complex

SUBTERRANEAN CAVES–In the wake of reports of a mysterious “scuttling noise” and muffled whispers in the walls of the Uris-Olin tunnel, the most recent pledge class of Alpha Delta Chi has reportedly been discovered living a subsistence-based lifestyle deep beneath the Cornell University campus. Having lived underneath campus since the end of the Spring ‘20…

Read More

Professional Frats Politely Ask University to Focus Hazing Investigations on IFC

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following weeks of heightened university emphasis on the perils of hazing, The Professional Fraternity Council is imploring Cornell to only investigate the social fraternities on campus, and to leave the professional frats well enough alone. “It’s really hard for us to indoctrinate our new members correctly when the administration is breathing down everyone’s…

Read More