Cornell’s Business Frats Shocked To Learn Of Radical New Networking Technique Called “Making Friends In Class”

DYSON—Cornell University’s business fraternities are in a state of totality after a stunning revelation has upended their very world. It all began Monday morning when during a recruiting call with Morgan Stanley, the moderator Kaity Moleeto ‘17 revealed that she had first been drawn to investment banking when a classmate in her financial accounting course during her freshman year asked if she had any interest in entering finance. When asked during the Q&A which business fraternity Moleeto had been a part of in her time at Cornell, the alumna paused for a moment before saying “I’m going to level with you guys, I never saw the need to join one. I was able to connect with enough people who would be in the industry with me by making friends in class.”

The shockwaves that Moleeto inadvertently created have caused an identity crisis among the business fraternities on campus. It would appear that the radical notion of being friendly to peers in class has largely not been factored into the culture of Cornell’s business frats, which have relied on endless case studies and binge drinking as their foremost networking practices.

Roberta Hoal, a junior in Dyson who attended the call, was astonished by this notion- “What did she mean she wasn’t in a business frat? How can you work in finance if you don’t join PGN, DSP, or even the Cornell Hedge Fund??”

Hoal was not the only audience member who was taken aback by the idea of someone successfully networking outside of a pre-professional setting. Aidan Swaak, a senior who sources claim “won’t shut the fuck up” about his return offer to Citi, was visibly crushed to learn that making friends in class is also a good way to find connections in finance.

“I honestly don’t know how to move forward. I’ve been in a business frat since I was a freshman thinking that was the only way to make it to Wall Street.” said Swaak, continuing, “I wouldn’t have spent hours in Excel doing analytical simulations if I’d known the kids in my classes were also trying to work in finance.”

Fraternities Concerned Cornell’s Switch to Green Status Might Make Them Appear Socially Responsible

WEST CAMPUS—In response to the recent news that the Ithaca COVID levels have dropped to the point that campus may now return to Green status, several fraternities across campus have expressed concern that this will reflect negatively on Cornell’s Greek life.

“Okay, we’re obviously stoked we can go out again, but we hardly had a chance to break the rules before they took them away,” proclaimed Bradley Flemings ‘22, president of an underground fraternity. “Honestly, it’s going to hurt spring recruiting if athletics keep hogging the spotlight here. I mean, a whole cluster? Getting called out by the administration? Those are our moves.”

Ultimately, these concerns are shared by students of all ages, with several freshmen doubting their previous intentions to rush after the news broke, including Jameson Adams III ‘24, a prospective third-generation brother of Beta Iota Zeta.

“Frankly, this isn’t the brotherhood my father knew,” he explained. “The underage keg parties, attempted bribes of campus police, public drunkenness charges? Where is that Beta? I mean, no self-respecting fraternity would ever turn up a chance to recklessly endanger public safety.”

“It’s been a few weeks since Greek life did something illegal or morally questionable, so we just wanted to touch base,” one mid-level official explained. At press time, Cornell administration hoped to crack down on Greek life as soon as possible, noting the usual increase in alumni donations whenever a fraternity was in legal trouble. 

Group of Frat Boys Without Masks Sitting on Their Porch Does Not Violate Behavioral Compact, Just Vaguely Threatening

COLLEGETOWN—While not a violation of any official health ordinance, a maskless group of six fraternity brothers hanging out on their porch this weekend was deemed by onlookers as deeply unsettling. 

“I counted, and their group is definitely less than 10 people,” confirmed Melody Dominguez ’21. “Regardless, something about it still feels like it poses a danger to the public.” 

The non-descript group of young men listened to music on medium volume, played assorted drinking games, and prompted every female passerby near their house to cross the street to maintain a distance well-beyond the conventional 6 feet.  

“I had to do a double-take to make sure everything was in order,” said Rick Sobieski ’23, a member of the Cornell Compliance Team. “While they technically weren’t breaking any rules, I can’t help but characterize whatever it is they were up to as detrimental to the health of our community.” 

The fraternity brothers reported that while they were glad to have followed the rules this time, they looked forward to violating the compact sometime in the near future.

Ithaca Bar Scene Not Good Enough to Warrant Anti-Lockdown Protests

Ashley He/Cornell Daily Sun

ITHACA—Although anti-lockdown protests have erupted nationwide calling for the reopening of restaurants and other services, Ithaca’s bar scene is clearly not good enough to warrant such protests.

“Ever since the party scene died last semester, I’ve frequented all five bars Ithaca has to offer and honestly, not a single one of them is worth saving,” said Allen Rogers ‘21. “Not even the allure of Fishbowl Wednesday is enough to make me fight for bar owners that rejected my $70 Connecticut fake last year.”

Other students expressed similar sentiment about Ithaca’s garbage bar scene. “If you’re going to close at 1 AM, why not close permanently?” asked Janice Durney ‘20.

As of press time, protestors were seen in front of Day Hall calling for frat party restrictions to be lifted.

Underground Fraternity’s Entire Pledge Class Discovered in Sub-Campus Cave Complex

SUBTERRANEAN CAVES–In the wake of reports of a mysterious “scuttling noise” and muffled whispers in the walls of the Uris-Olin tunnel, the most recent pledge class of Alpha Delta Chi has reportedly been discovered living a subsistence-based lifestyle deep beneath the Cornell University campus.

Having lived underneath campus since the end of the Spring ‘20 IFC rush, the prospective brothers have begun to adjust to life in an underground fraternity. “It’s really not so bad,” states Alex Frieda ‘23. “I’ve got the rest of my fraternity down here with me, and since CUPD doesn’t know how to navigate the tunnels, we don’t need to adhere to the new Greek Life reforms!” Frieda, who fills the “VP of Moss Harvesting” role within his pledge class, is really looking forward to next weekend’s wet mixer with a nearby colony of mole people. 

Many individuals have voiced concern over the potential outcome of recent Greek Life policy changes. When questioned about whether the slew of new restrictions make it unrealistic for any chapters to stay recognized in the long-term, Frieda explained “When everyone’s underground, then no one will be,” before scampering away to eat a mushroom. 

Some efforts are being made to help underground fraternity members reintegrate back into society. Many classrooms are being outfitted with dimming windows to help with the students’ sunlight sensitivity, and Cornell has already begun expanding the network of caves to house an additional 800 beds by 2022. 

According to the Office of Global Learning, there was an unprecedented number of applications to study abroad in Paris, reportedly to establish a new AΔX chapter in the Catacombs of Paris. 

Cornell Human Development Study Confirms Bitches Really Do Be Like That

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL — Whether it comes to common choices in clothing, similar affectations, or extreme emotional reactions, bitches really do be like that, a pioneering new study has confirmed.

Looking at behaviors such as daily horoscope checking, writing notes in five different colors, and making 5-11 Instagram story posts wishing their friend “Happy Birthday!” researchers found remarkable similarities among the female population. Those traits, combined with certain aesthetic preferences like wearing white sneakers, mom jeans, crewneck sweaters with Greek letters, and impractically small novelty eyewear, led them to conclude that this phenomenon could only be holistically described by a single phrase.

“Our study, without any shred of doubt, shows that they unabashedly conduct themselves in this manner,” said Joshua Leongotter ‘72, associate professor of Women According to Men Studies, theorizing that there is no strong evidence that the female gender can behave otherwise. 

Responses to the study, said researcher Hal Rattuccie ‘23, are already being incorporated as further evidence. “We already knew that bitches be mad annoying sometimes,” he said, “and now they be all angry and callin’ to yell at us and shit. But surprise, shorties, we got the receipts!” 

Studying female conduct such as vocal pitch rising at the end of sentences, hand-covering of the face as a signal of embarrassment, and noisily slurping with a straw at the bottom of a practically empty drink, researchers found that the conclusion was blatantly obvious. 

“In all of those categories, I was right! Bitches really do be like that!” said Leongotter. He explained that “the study pin-pointed certain actions and measured their rate of occurrence among a statistically significant section of the female population that I encounter daily. As one may have guessed, our results were staggering – they proved that I was right about bitches all along.” 

When asked if the department might move forward with a similar study into the behavior of men, Leongotter dismissed the idea, saying it would be a “waste of time” and only yield “boring generalizations that contribute nothing to the public discourse.”

Professional Frats Politely Ask University to Focus Hazing Investigations on IFC

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following weeks of heightened university emphasis on the perils of hazing, The Professional Fraternity Council is imploring Cornell to only investigate the social fraternities on campus, and to leave the professional frats well enough alone.

“It’s really hard for us to indoctrinate our new members correctly when the administration is breathing down everyone’s necks about ‘forced drinking,’ ‘involuntary undressing,’ and ‘moderate kidnappings,’” commented PFC President Jonathan Ramirez ‘20. “It would be so much cooler if they could just really hammer down on the social frats and leave us to our own devices.”

Cornell students planning on joining these pre-professional organizations are also really hoping that the school redoubles its anti-hazing efforts… against social fraternities. 

“I totally get it, hazing is dangerous and stupid and unnecessary,” said Joanna Mason ‘22. “But the administration needs to back off; I’m trying to get into a business frat for my own professional development and I really don’t care if that means getting sprayed with condiments and being verbally abused.” 

At press time, new members of Lambda Omega Lambda, Cornell’s Pre-Entertainment Fraternity, gave heartfelt speeches about how the organization would propel their careers through jaws that had been wired shut, with broken arms in slings.

Frat Legend Dad Spends All of Parent’s Weekend Upstaging Loser Son

EDDY STREET — At this year’s Parent’s Weekend, total Frat bro icon Ronald Hernandez ‘90 spent his days overshadowing his painfully less-cool son.

“The brothers at his old house really seemed to like him,” said son Richie Hernandez ‘ 23. “They invited him back up in two weeks for their big fall party. And honestly, I don’t even care that they didn’t invite me; I’m probably going to have so much work that week, anyways. It just would have been nice if Dad had even introduced me.”

Hernandez insisted on joining son Richie ’23 for a night out at fraternity annexes, where he exposed Richie’s utter inability to “hang with the boys.”

“I mean look at the kid,” Ronald yelled over the music. “The boy can’t hold his liquor, he can’t rail lines, and he couldn’t pull chicks if they were tied to a rope. And I can tell he’s pissed I keep destroying him in flip cup. Is Richie even still here?”

In an attempt to get back into the swing of things, Richie brought a beautifully poured and perfectly chilled glass of rosé to his father, who was too busy shattering the house keg stand record to even notice.

Sorority’s Entire New Member Class Already Deactivated

KAPPA NU KAPPA—In a disastrous start to the sisterhood of Kappa Nu Kappa’s semester, the entire new member class deactivated from the sorority within two days of receiving their bids.

“Usually sisters of Nu Kappa wait to deactivate until they’re juniors or seniors,” said sorority president Amy Landerson ‘19. “But it looks like the ladies we got are even more advanced and high-achieving than we expected.”

After spending the extended rush trekking through the snow to different sororities, the frostbitten freshmen were eager to quickly pay their dues, add it to their resumes, and get out.

“They shouldn’t blame themselves,” said Renée Dawson ’22, who deactivated from Nu Kappa Monday evening. “I was just excited to get ahead of the game in the sorority process.”

The sorority’s remaining members are comforted by the fact that sorority life is really about the sisters they made along the way, as well as the upcoming dates of their own deactivations.

Proactive Fraternity Kicks Off Dirty Hazing

WEST CAMPUS—After concluding its dirty rush process, campus fraternity Kappa Mu Psi has begun forcing new members to undergo its dirty hazing process.

“Now that the freshmen have gotten a chance to see the house and meet the brothers, it’s a perfect time to start physically and mentally abusing them so they feel more connected as a people-who-may-rush class,” said KMP President Jack Swarthson ‘19. “We already have eight freshmen handcuffed to the pledge couch right now, so it’s off to a great start.”

The dirty hazing process has gotten rave reviews from the freshmen involved, who say they appreciate being able to spend all night outside in their underwear now rather than mid-February.

To ensure the dirty hazing events will get a good showing, Kappa Mu Psi brothers have been inviting freshmen to the winter buffet of paddles and gallons of different alcohols. “The school should by no means consider this an official hazing event,” clarified Swarthson. “It’s open to the public, so anyone could get hazed if they wanted—it just happens that everyone here is a brother or potential pledge.”