Professional Frats Politely Ask University to Focus Hazing Investigations on IFC

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following weeks of heightened university emphasis on the perils of hazing, The Professional Fraternity Council is imploring Cornell to only investigate the social fraternities on campus, and to leave the professional frats well enough alone.

“It’s really hard for us to indoctrinate our new members correctly when the administration is breathing down everyone’s necks about ‘forced drinking,’ ‘involuntary undressing,’ and ‘moderate kidnappings,’” commented PFC President Jonathan Ramirez ‘20. “It would be so much cooler if they could just really hammer down on the social frats and leave us to our own devices.”

Cornell students planning on joining these pre-professional organizations are also really hoping that the school redoubles its anti-hazing efforts… against social fraternities. 

“I totally get it, hazing is dangerous and stupid and unnecessary,” said Joanna Mason ‘22. “But the administration needs to back off; I’m trying to get into a business frat for my own professional development and I really don’t care if that means getting sprayed with condiments and being verbally abused.” 

At press time, new members of Lambda Omega Lambda, Cornell’s Pre-Entertainment Fraternity, gave heartfelt speeches about how the organization would propel their careers through jaws that had been wired shut, with broken arms in slings.

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