Nooz Staff November 12, 2019

University to Construct Giant Nipple Atop Bailey Hall

BAILEY HALL—In keeping with the university’s requirement to continually construct buildings in the contemporary style, Cornell has announced plans to construct an enormous nipple towering above Bailey Hall’s 1,324 seats, reminding all who enter of a nipple.

“When I was walking by Bailey Hall during my usual campus rounds the other day, I couldn’t help feeling like the school’s largest auditorium was missing something. Then it hit me: This building is just begging to be adorned with a massive, cast iron teat,” said President Martha Pollack.

According to Pierre Lesplife ‘91, the project’s architect, the mammary papilla will feature a 45 foot-wide areola base with a 15 by 10 foot nippular mound. Its surface will be coated with a reflective coat of water resistant paint that will reportedly create an oily glisten on rare sunny Ithaca days.

“Clearly, the protuberance will be the culminating feature on this elegant building,” Lesplife remarked. “It wasn’t clear before its construction, but now you can’t miss how obviously Bailey Hall needed a nipple. It just pokes out at you.”

At present, the nipple is covered under tarps to protect its supple structure during construction. “I’m really looking forward to the day we get to free the nipple for all of campus to behold,” Pollack said. “Although it is still being erected now, I think it will really excite the student body when the nipple is finally exposed.”

In order to assuage concerns over the addition’s perceived indecency, Cornell has preemptively stated that the “Bailey Hall Nipple” will be a male nipple as opposed to a female nipple, thus making it appropriate for viewers of all ages.

Like This!