WARREN HALL—During a rush season that was stressful for everyone, Cornell professional fraternities had a particularly difficult time competing with each other to see who could come up with the most ingenious excuse for yet another class of inductees looking like an assortment of Michael Cera’s stunt doubles, but without any of the charisma.
“Look, we selected the most qualified applicants, regardless of race, color, or creed,” said Johnathan Neal ‘21, head of a prominent business fraternity. “And it just so happened that this time around, all of the best applicants happened to share the exact same skin tone, gender, and affinity for completely unseasoned food. It’s not like we select for that kind of thing, those just seem to be the type of people attracted to a fraternity that talks about Wall Street bankers like they’re sports heroes and pretend they understand economics after one macro class.”
In an anonymous interview, one rejected rushee detailed several sources of bias in the rushing process, including an eating contest consisting entirely of Uncrustables sandwiches, a group watch party of 2018’s Green Book, and a question asked to all applicants meant to assess their love for frisbee golf.
“I’ll admit, we aren’t the most diverse group looks-wise,” mentioned recent inductee Bryce Smith. “But we have a lot of diverse backgrounds in our frat. Tom over there actually spent a semester overseas in England, whereas I spent my summer last year along the French Riviera with my father and both of his girlfriends. And beyond that, the other applicants just wouldn’t fit in with us. One guy said he thought Eminem was kind of past his prime, and that’s just unacceptable? Can you imagine hanging with that guy for a year? I wouldn’t be able to use half my workout playlist!”
Yesterday, the fraternity formally inducted its 10 homogeneous new members with the traditional screening of Fight Club, dinner from Wings Over Ithaca, and arm wrestling tournament.
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following weeks of heightened university emphasis on the perils of hazing, The Professional Fraternity Council is imploring Cornell to only investigate the social fraternities on campus, and to leave the professional frats well enough alone.
“It’s really hard for us to indoctrinate our new members correctly when the administration is breathing down everyone’s necks about ‘forced drinking,’ ‘involuntary undressing,’ and ‘moderate kidnappings,’” commented PFC President Jonathan Ramirez ‘20. “It would be so much cooler if they could just really hammer down on the social frats and leave us to our own devices.”
Cornell students planning on joining these pre-professional organizations are also really hoping that the school redoubles its anti-hazing efforts… against social fraternities.
“I totally get it, hazing is dangerous and stupid and unnecessary,” said Joanna Mason ‘22. “But the administration needs to back off; I’m trying to get into a business frat for my own professional development and I really don’t care if that means getting sprayed with condiments and being verbally abused.”
At press time, new members of Lambda Omega Lambda, Cornell’s Pre-Entertainment Fraternity, gave heartfelt speeches about how the organization would propel their careers through jaws that had been wired shut, with broken arms in slings.
DAY HALL—The Cornell administration released sweeping new restrictions on Greek life featuring a rule that bans hazing inside of residential chapter houses, but would probably let that stuff slide in annexes.
“I understand that there is a deep and storied history of new member education in Greek houses, but this rule is an important step towards keeping hazing more on the down low,” President Martha Pollack said in an email to the Ithaca campus community. “I look forward to a future where no Cornell student has to undergo hazing outside of small houses in Collegetown.”
The new rules are intended to keep residential chapter houses respectful and quiet places for new members to bond with brothers that will haze them as soon as they walk out of the house.
Greek organizations caught off guard by the new rule are already rushing to update their hazing plans. “I have no idea how we’ll be able to properly abuse pledges with such a short notice,” said Pi Lambda Phi President Kyler Jackson ‘19. “We just finished renovations on our house’s pledge dungeon.”
“Sure we’ll have to drive some cages and shit from North,” said Alpha Tau Omega brother Griffith Harrison ‘20, “but I can’t even imagine how much it’s gonna suck for next year’s freshmen when they have to to walk back all the way from Collegetown half-naked every night for three months.”
Pollack expects that this change will fix everything by 2021.
AMAZON RAINFOREST, BRAZIL—Tragedy struck the IFC last week when five students failed to return from the organization’s annual mission to collect the increasingly scarce jungle juice.
“While we mourn the loss of our fellow brothers, we know their tragedy was not in vain. Each cooler we fill with the sweet jungle nectar this semester will be a testament to their brave sacrifice.” said IFC President Jared Corningstone ‘19. “If they do remain alive, they will know it is thanks to them that we can throw so many more parties and mixers.”
The expedition has become more and more dangerous in recent years due to a worldwide shortage of the saccharine liquid gold, which has also caused many frats to serve the more easily scavenged Keystone Light, mined in the mountains of Colorado.
“A brother of my house was lost this week, but it was fucking worth it,” said Delta Epsilon Phi brother John Coates ‘20, in between bouts of spewing ruby-red vomit. “This one’s for you, Travis!,” he later yelled, filling another cup.
As of Thursday of wet week, the council’s supply of the alcoholic natural luxury has been 60% depleted.
The recent news exposing a grotesque “pig roast” run by the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity casts a solemn shadow over Cornell University, as well as the success of my annual Family Pig Roast.
My event has been a staple in the Ithaca community for years now. We get loads of old fashioned home cooking, along with rides and games to ensure fun for people of all ages. And the best part is that all the proceeds go to charity! I only do this to share the most succulent roasted pork you can get your hands on east of the Mississippi. And now, it looks like the years of spreading my grand-pappy’s famous recipe are all over because of some misogynistic frat boys.
I throw this thing every year and it takes months of hard work and planning. Only a week ago, I got the confirmation that all my permits were ready. I had to expand to Stewart Park this year because the event had become so popular! I even drove 2 hours to a local farm to check the boar out myself. He looked like he was going to be one for the ages! Unfortunately, I don’t think anyone in this town will be willing to step foot near anything that remotely sounds like a pig roast for good while. I suppose you can add my joyous celebration of swine delights as another item on the long list of reasons for reform within the Greek community.
ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA—In response to hate crimes committed by members of fraternities last semester, progressive frat Alpha Sigma Sigma has taken steps to ensure that during their pledging process, the only ones being hazed are white boys.
“We plan to deprive these pledges of their right to fair and equal education and while we’re at it, we’re going to strip away all their other civil liberties and freedoms too,” said Tommy Burns, Pledgemaster.
Cornell IFC has a strict Anti-Hazing Policy, but members of Alpha Sigma Sigma have agreed that it’s still okay to haze if, like, you’re hazing the right people.
“It’s gonna be a pretty torturous month for these kiddos but they’re white, so they can’t be sad about it for that long,” added Burns.
Sources confirmed that this week, the prospective brothers will be watching historical documentaries of all the things white people have done wrong while drinking jizz out of Nathaniel’s left Sperry.
Hey there! Bet you saw the words “greek life” in the title and thought, “lookie here, another think piece weighing in on the current active discourse,” but nope, I don’t have much to say about Greek Life at all. But now that I have your attention, could you take a quick look at this rash on my shoulder?
I’m really sorry if you were looking for valid concerns about the misogyny and racism that greek life appears to breed on campus, but I think I have some equally valid concerns about the rash currently spreading across my upper left arm. And while I could be discussing the various actions the campus could take to increase diversity, I’d rather get some suggestions for the various actions I could get to combat this vicious itch I’ve been experiencing on humid days.
Let’s face it, with all the dialogue on this subject going on at the moment, a think piece about Greek Life would just be another drop in the pond, just like the pus that has recently started dripping from the upper shoulder region of my body. Seriously, I could really use a second opinion on this one. I’ve been to at least three doctors, and two of them kicked me out of their offices just because of the smell.
Look, I get it. Everyone has a lot to say about the slim positives and many negatives of greek life on our campus, but if everyone could just spend a little less time collecting their varied opinions together and a little more time directing their attention to the rash that has spread to my other shoulder in the time it took to write this, it would be really appreciated. Thanks.
ALPHA BETA GAMMA — Hello! Me name Dylan Williams. Dylan like go party and drink lots, have good time.
Is there party now? Dylan want party now! We go party soon, so Dylan have fun with different people than normal.
Drinking at party good for Dylan, and Dylan very happy. Maybe Dylan even do handstand on beer bucket! Handstand good way to make friends. More friends more good. Dylan very popular guy, everyone think so.
Dylan hate hangover. Hangover make Dylan sad. But hangover not happen until morning and party happen now! Go party go!
Dylan like meet pretty girl. Pretty girl love Dylan, why not Dylan and pretty girl do things together? Dylan like things.
At party, Dylan can be real self. Dylan fun, friendly guy who love party and beer and party. Sometime, it good to unwind and forget about little thing.
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL — The Cornell Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life recently revised the Campus Code of Conduct allowing for acts of hazing when it’s, like, a tradition, you know?
“We want to be completely clear about our zero-tolerance policy for hazing in Cornell fraternities, sororities, and other student groups,” said Travis Apgar, Senior Associate Dean of Students. “It’s never okay to make prospective members do something demeaning for their admission into a group, except when it’s something that older members had to do themselves. Then it’s okay.”
Hazing, defined broadly by the Campus Code of Conduct as an act that “endangers the physical health of an individual or causes mental distress to an individual through, for example, humiliating, intimidating, or demeaning treatment,” is now acceptable when it’s to promote brotherhood or sisterhood or something like that.
After hearing the announcement, fraternities across campus were relieved to know that they could keep their Spring pledges locked in the basement for several more hours without fear of suspension.