WARREN HALL—During a rush season that was stressful for everyone, Cornell professional fraternities had a particularly difficult time competing with each other to see who could come up with the most ingenious excuse for yet another class of inductees looking like an assortment of Michael Cera’s stunt doubles, but without any of the charisma. “Look,…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following weeks of heightened university emphasis on the perils of hazing, The Professional Fraternity Council is imploring Cornell to only investigate the social fraternities on campus, and to leave the professional frats well enough alone. “It’s really hard for us to indoctrinate our new members correctly when the administration is breathing down everyone’s…
DAY HALL—The Cornell administration released sweeping new restrictions on Greek life featuring a rule that bans hazing inside of residential chapter houses, but would probably let that stuff slide in annexes. “I understand that there is a deep and storied history of new member education in Greek houses, but this rule is an important step…
AMAZON RAINFOREST, BRAZIL—Tragedy struck the IFC last week when five students failed to return from the organization’s annual mission to collect the increasingly scarce jungle juice. “While we mourn the loss of our fellow brothers, we know their tragedy was not in vain. Each cooler we fill with the sweet jungle nectar this semester will…
The recent news exposing a grotesque “pig roast” run by the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity casts a solemn shadow over Cornell University, as well as the success of my annual Family Pig Roast. My event has been a staple in the Ithaca community for years now. We get loads of old fashioned home cooking, along…
ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA—In response to hate crimes committed by members of fraternities last semester, progressive frat Alpha Sigma Sigma has taken steps to ensure that during their pledging process, the only ones being hazed are white boys. “We plan to deprive these pledges of their right to fair and equal education and while we’re at…
Hey there! Bet you saw the words “greek life” in the title and thought, “lookie here, another think piece weighing in on the current active discourse,” but nope, I don’t have much to say about Greek Life at all. But now that I have your attention, could you take a quick look at this rash…
ALPHA BETA GAMMA — Hello! Me name Dylan Williams. Dylan like go party and drink lots, have good time. Is there party now? Dylan want party now! We go party soon, so Dylan have fun with different people than normal. Drinking at party good for Dylan, and Dylan very happy. Maybe Dylan even do handstand…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL — The Cornell Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life recently revised the Campus Code of Conduct allowing for acts of hazing when it’s, like, a tradition, you know? “We want to be completely clear about our zero-tolerance policy for hazing in Cornell fraternities, sororities, and other student groups,” said Travis Apgar, Senior…
