ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA—In response to hate crimes committed by members of fraternities last semester, progressive frat Alpha Sigma Sigma has taken steps to ensure that during their pledging process, the only ones being hazed are white boys.
“We plan to deprive these pledges of their right to fair and equal education and while we’re at it, we’re going to strip away all their other civil liberties and freedoms too,” said Tommy Burns, Pledgemaster.
Cornell IFC has a strict Anti-Hazing Policy, but members of Alpha Sigma Sigma have agreed that it’s still okay to haze if, like, you’re hazing the right people.
“It’s gonna be a pretty torturous month for these kiddos but they’re white, so they can’t be sad about it for that long,” added Burns.
Sources confirmed that this week, the prospective brothers will be watching historical documentaries of all the things white people have done wrong while drinking jizz out of Nathaniel’s left Sperry.