GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Although English professor Marjorine Williamson is routinely celebrated for being the oldest and most published in her department, this bitch is still having trouble getting the chalkboard to work. “I mean she’s clearly brilliant,” said Lyle Glagadeen ‘19, “but this bitch can’t even hold chalk properly and she always uses the wrong side…
COLLEGETOWN — As the Winter Olympics kick into high gear, students across campus are eagerly playing it in the background while they do other things. “Oh man, I’ve been waiting for four years to debate our Domino’s order while Lindsey Vonn squiggles around on NBC Sports,” said Ross Flannigan ‘18. “Will we get cheesy bread?…
WESTCHESTER, NY—Freshman Jasper Griffith ‘21 would rather stay in Ithaca over break, but is instead reluctantly returning home to visit her bickering hamsters, Martha and Lance. “My house just doesn’t feel like a home anymore. It’s a cold atmosphere. Martha and Lance can’t stop fighting, and it’s ripping my family a new asshole,” said Griffith…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The Slope Day Programing Board announced Galantis as the headliner for this year’s concert, continuing their streak of missing out on legendary singer-songwriter Paul Simon during his 50+ year career. “Each year the entire campus waits on the edge of its seat to discover which famous artist who was instrumental in shaping the…
I am not a sorority girl. I enjoy neither the effeminate American beer nor singing the praises of true democracy with loud girls. However, after receiving orders from Putin himself, I found myself in the throngs of brainwashed, constitution-loving idiots, blending in well with my collection of Johnny Cash T-shirts. Why subject myself to this…
The recent news exposing a grotesque “pig roast” run by the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity casts a solemn shadow over Cornell University, as well as the success of my annual Family Pig Roast. My event has been a staple in the Ithaca community for years now. We get loads of old fashioned home cooking, along…
Collegetown is one of the biggest perks of spending 4 years above Cayuga’s Waters, offering incredibly diverse culinary experiences. We sent a writer out to determine, once and for all, which eatery is the true champion of the hungry student. CTB: Absolute let down. I was so excited to try the place EVERYONE talks about,…
CORNELL HEALTH—On Wednesday, Cornell Health officials released a statement to the university suggesting that students contract flu now to get it out of their system before prelim season. “We just think that you might as well get that out of your way before the semester really picks up,” says Kathy Grammer, Cornell Health official. “I…
…Sports? 1. The Superbowl Was Fine, But What Was Up With That Lukewarm Guacamole, Sharon? 2. Justin Timberlake Fails To Bring Timber And/Or Lakes To His Performance 3. How About Those Superbowl Passes and Touchdowns and Whatnot? 4. Horny Students Disappointed Over the Lack of Janet Jackson Nipples 5. Hungry Babies Disappointed Over the Lack…
Photo from Cornell University Program Board BAILEY HALL—Tantalized by the guaranteed crowds of women, Richard March ‘19 snagged a ticket to attend #MeToo founder Tarana Burke’s talk in Bailey Hall. “Yeah, I’m pretty good at predicting these things, and there’ll be loads of ladies just waiting for me,” said March. “I grabbed a tic—that’s short…
