CORNELL HEALTH—On Wednesday, Cornell Health officials released a statement to the university suggesting that students contract flu now to get it out of their system before prelim season.
“We just think that you might as well get that out of your way before the semester really picks up,” says Kathy Grammer, Cornell Health official. “I mean, you could get a flu shot, but honestly you might as well bite the bullet now so we won’t run out again.”
Students across campus, amidst lack of flu vaccines available, have taken steps to breathe into each other’s mouths and share pong cups in order to get the flu in and out before things ramp up. “A couple of my friends got together last weekend and soaked in the freezing rain to really get that virus rolling,” stated Jamie Carlton ‘20.
The statement additionally suggests that students start getting pregnant, as Cornell Health is running low on free condoms.