COLLEGETOWN BAGELS—The many patrons of Collegetown Bagels were made unknowing witnesses to a masterful display of proper patient privacy procedure by Cornell Health therapist Dr. Lynn Dravis this Thursday. While standing in the restaurant’s famous and extensive line, Dr. Dravis discretely and purposefully winked towards her patient, Ken Pollmer ‘24, communicating an entire doctrine’s worth of information concerning confidentiality with one simple facial movement .
“I mean, what a professional,” said Pollmer. “I saw Dr. Dravis and just froze up. I didn’t know what to do: A quiet hello? Run and hide? Fist bump? I was out of my element. With one small movement, she said it all,” explained Pollmer. “‘I see you, I hear you, and I understand you,’ it was just like one of our sessions.”
As Pollmer sat down to eat his panini, Dr. Dravis made a casual stroll past him, taking a seat at an adjacent table, back to back with Pollmer. Flipping open a copy of The Daily Sun to cover her face, Dr. Dravis was not seen speaking to Pollmer. During the time when Pollmer appeared to all outside observers to be talking to himself, Dr. Dravis was also not heard asking Pollmer for a bite of his sandwich, nor was she witnessed leaning down behind the newspaper and over her left shoulder to sneak a bite of said sandwich.
“Whatever do you mean?” replied Dr. Dravis when questioned about her earlier interaction. “I don’t know anybody here, and I certainly would never make any kind of attempt to cleverly signal them in such an intelligent manner,” continued Dr. Dravis whilst writing the words ”we’ve been made” on a piece of looseleaf paper, crumpling it up, and throwing it at the back of Pollmer’s head.
At press time, Dr. Dravis had been poached by another university that hires good therapists and replaced with someone half as qualified and twice as apathetic.
CORNELL HEALTH–Maricel Caoili ‘26 experienced a breakthrough in therapy this Thursday when Dr. Elizabeth Fields decided to ignore Caoili’s experiences entirely and consult 2012’s third leading fanfiction and quiz website, Quotev.
“I’d been trying to help Maricel for a while, but it’s so hard when I have no training related to trauma, the stress of being a racial minority, or LGBT issues,” said Fields of some of the most common reasons for students to seek out counseling. “But then I remembered that the website I used to read Doctor Who x Reader fanfics on had some pretty cool quizzes back in the day. I’ve never actually diagnosed someone without making them get a $500 assessment with an outside provider, so this was pretty exciting!”
Fields spent the next four minutes guiding Caoili through the comprehensive diagnostic tool. She started taking notes rapidly when Caoili said her favorite color was “black like my soul” instead of “the voices say red… >:)” or “squirrell! wait, sorry, wut? :0.” With only seven questions in the quiz, Fields even had enough time to read a “thrilling” story about a young girl who was sold to One Direction before the end of Caoili’s monthly 25-minute appointment.
“I have to say, I had my doubts about the whole process,” said Caoili, who was ultimately diagnosed with schizophrenia because “u have 2 b INSANEEE to like justin beiber more than green day!!” “But if this is the best care a university with a multibillion dollar endowment can provide, who am I to argue? The Cornell student body’s mental health is famously high for a reason, right?” she asked before dissolving into tears in the Cornell Health lobby.
Unfortunately, Caoili’s journey to healing encountered an additional roadblock after Fields insisted that if there were mental illnesses other than depression or anxiety, she would have heard of them already.
CORNELL HEALTH–Calling it a “miracle of modern medicine,” Cornell Health doctors were overjoyed to announce a complete recovery among all students who read the writing on the wall and went to see a legitimate medical institution instead.
“At Cornell Health, we’re proud to be the #2 healthcare provider near campus, and #1 without the 7/11 over-the-counter medication aisle,” said Dr. Himani Bhardwaj ‘14. “With our new and improved waiting room experience, we’re able to see about three students every hour, and actually listen to up to one of them per day. Students leave Cornell Health confident that whatever medical condition they have, it sure as hell isn’t the one we diagnosed them with.”
Although she had a busy schedule of telling CAPS patients, “I see you, I hear, you, I feel you,” and nothing else, Bhardwaj was able to take a little more time to extoll the virtues of what she called “the BetterHelp of physical care.”
“At first we were sad that so many students leave us for ‘real doctors’ or whatever, but then we realized we could call it a ‘referral service,’ and charge them for that, too!” she said. For students worried about costs, Bhardwaj was quick to reassure them that referrals were one of many services not included in the student health fee. “We accept a wide variety of insurance companies, from the ones you don’t have to the ones you’ve never heard of,” she said, referring to the coveted NebraskaCare, possessed by a singular student.
Cornell Health later issued a follow-up statement that turned out to be a detailed record of every STD test you’ve ever taken, sent directly to your mother.
ITHACA—In a stunning reversal of university policies and practices, Cornell has finally taken action to address the allegations that Cornell students disproportionately experience depression, compared to their peers at other colleges. It’s no secret that many Cornellians are overwhelmed, stressed, and/or depressed, and for decades the student body has appealed to the school to get their mental health needs met, to no avail. Hell, take a look around campus and you’ll see just how bad it’s become. Like four out of every ten kids you see looks like Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh and those are the ones who leave their rooms!
All of these kids are clearly not getting what they want, but on February 13th, all of that will change with the first clear acknowledgement from Cornell that they see their depressed students. On Saturday, Cornell will host a virtual concert, but not with just any artist. Not with an artist whose music requires seamless brain chemistry to enjoy, but with the patron saint of depressed people under the age of 30: Phoebe Bridgers, whose music is most compatible with breakups, mourning, and a Prozac prescription.
Hot on the heels of the Grammy-nominated Punisher, Bridgers is bringing her angelic voice, charming instrumentals, and emotionally-devastating lyrics to the laptop screens of Cornell students. Long before your QAnon-loving uncle was on Facebook posting his outrage at her guitar smashing, Bridgers was making a name for herself in the Indie scene with her poignant musings, providing adolescents with a soul-crushing soundtrack for the lows of young adulthood. As she makes her meteoric rise, Bridgers has an ever expanding discography that while quite popular with many other groups, seems to be loved most fervently by one group: bummed out motherfuckers. Joining the ranks of Buying Houseplants, Not Folding Their Laundry, and Staring At The Ceiling, Listening To Phoebe Bridgers has become one of the favorite activities among depressed people (ousting and replacing Listening To Bon Iver in the process). Across the vast spectrum of Sad Boys, the sharp pain of her music hits in a different way when the listener has hit a low point in life and is unfortunately able to relate to “Motion Sickness”..
Cornell enlisting Bridgers is a unique moment in which an unflinching, faceless monolith gave its mentally ill little tuition-payers something they like for once: an artist all depressed people love. In fact, if Phoebe sings “Chinese Satellite,” it might be the university’s most successful mental health initiative to date. It’s truly historic to think we not only get to witness Cornell acknowledge mental health needs among students in a preemptive way for a change but do so with a customized concert and Q&A with one of the finest artists for the emotionally unstable today.
HO PLAZA—Cornell Counseling & Psychological Services made waves this week when the psychological services department unveiled their new slogan “What Are You Gonna Do? Cry About It?” The motto change comes as a surprise for many, who for years have known the slogan of CAPS to be “Dang, That Sucks, Good Luck With That Though.”
“Oh yeah, we’re completely revamping,” said CAPS director Alecia Sundsmo. “Scheduling is going to be a breeze for all students who need an appointment with a professional to discuss their mental health. Before the rebrand, we would simply tell them that they’re on a waiting list indefinitely and just kinda hope they’d forget. Now, we just tell them that we have no appointments available and if they ask any questions we look them directly in the face and ask them if they’re going to cry about it like the big baby they are.”
Despite the director’s positivity, CAPS’ rebrand has not been universally adored. “The new policies at the health center are a joke!” exclaimed Lauren Smythe, ‘23. “They used to pretend that they could help me, but now whenever I send a follow-up email about my appointment they send back a video of the staff asking if I also need a diaper change. One of them even called me, started making chicken sounds, and said I was a “little pissbaby.” What does that even mean?”
Ms. Sundsmo declined further comment, but CAPS issued the following press release regarding the policy change: “Aw, did someone’s feelings get hurt? Is someone sad now? Does someone need their mommy? Pop a Lexapro and fuck off, we were never going to help you to begin with.”
HO PLAZA—Cornell administrators announced Wednesday morning that the university will be renewing Cornell Health’s premium subscription to WebMD for next year. The online, publicly available health reference service has been the staff’s primary diagnostic tool for many years, according to university officials.
“Well, we can’t exactly ask the licensed staff members to know every single possible medical condition,” Cornell Health Director Amy Richards noted. “Do you know how hard that would be? It’s way easier to just use a freely accessible search engine that might get it right, like, some of the time.”
Students have really enjoyed the services at Cornell Health ever since they started relying exclusively on staff members’ ability to type symptoms into a search bar.
“I went in to get help with a tick bite,” commented Ajit Patel ‘21. “As it turns out, it wasn’t a tick bite at all! I had absolutely nothing to worry about, since the Google Image results looked only kinda like the thing on my arm. But the nurse practitioner did seem slightly concerned that I might have Eastern Equine Encephalitis because of my recent headaches.”
Cornell’s pre-med population has benefited greatly from Cornell Health’s dependence on WebMD, too. “Yeah, I saw a physician’s assistant for a sore throat the other day,” said Miranda Mercado ‘22. “It was awesome! The PA showed me the search results for ‘sore throat’ and asked me to help him figure out what was wrong with me; I thought whooping cough sounded cool, so we went with that. Such good training for medical school!”
In addition to WebMD, Cornell Health plans on investing in more polio vaccinations, iron lungs, and iodine tablets—all those modern medical marvels for the peskiest of 21st century ailments.
CORNELL HEALTH—On Wednesday, Cornell Health officials released a statement to the university suggesting that students contract flu now to get it out of their system before prelim season.
“We just think that you might as well get that out of your way before the semester really picks up,” says Kathy Grammer, Cornell Health official. “I mean, you could get a flu shot, but honestly you might as well bite the bullet now so we won’t run out again.”
Students across campus, amidst lack of flu vaccines available, have taken steps to breathe into each other’s mouths and share pong cups in order to get the flu in and out before things ramp up. “A couple of my friends got together last weekend and soaked in the freezing rain to really get that virus rolling,” stated Jamie Carlton ‘20.
The statement additionally suggests that students start getting pregnant, as Cornell Health is running low on free condoms.
CORNELL HEALTH—President Martha Pollack officially marked the opening of the new Cornell Health building this week by christening it with a ceremonial STD test.
“By taking this symbolic STD test, I am happy to usher in a new and improved healthcare system here at Cornell,” President Pollack remarked before informing the registered nurse that she did not want her parents to be contacted about the screening.
Avoiding eye contact with those attending the ceremony, the relatable president took a urine cup from the shelf, tacitly wrote her name on the side, and shuffled off to a bathroom to complete the task.
“Regardless of the results, I am proud to lead our campus towards greater sexual health and wellness,” Pollack added, making a futile attempt to hide the sample while asking under her breath where it belonged.
Pollack concluded the christening by wishing the entire university happiness and good health in the years to come, making sure to grab a purple condom on her way out.