Cornell Health Announces 100% Recovery Rate Among Students Who Give Up and See Hometown Doctor Instead

CORNELL HEALTH–Calling it a “miracle of modern medicine,” Cornell Health doctors were overjoyed to announce a complete recovery among all students who read the writing on the wall and went to see a legitimate medical institution instead.

“At Cornell Health, we’re proud to be the #2 healthcare provider near campus, and #1 without the 7/11 over-the-counter medication aisle,” said Dr. Himani Bhardwaj ‘14. “With our new and improved waiting room experience, we’re able to see about three students every hour, and actually listen to up to one of them per day. Students leave Cornell Health confident that whatever medical condition they have, it sure as hell isn’t the one we diagnosed them with.”

Although she had a busy schedule of telling CAPS patients, “I see you, I hear, you, I feel you,” and nothing else, Bhardwaj was able to take a little more time to extoll the virtues of what she called “the BetterHelp of physical care.”

“At first we were sad that so many students leave us for ‘real doctors’ or whatever, but then we realized we could call it a ‘referral service,’ and charge them for that, too!” she said. For students worried about costs, Bhardwaj was quick to reassure them that referrals were one of many services not included in the student health fee. “We accept a wide variety of insurance companies, from the ones you don’t have to the ones you’ve never heard of,” she said, referring to the coveted NebraskaCare, possessed by a singular student.

Cornell Health later issued a follow-up statement that turned out to be a detailed record of every STD test you’ve ever taken, sent directly to your mother.

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