August 30, 2017

President Pollack Christens New Health Building with Ceremonial STD Test

CORNELL HEALTH—President Martha Pollack officially marked the opening of the new Cornell Health building this week by christening it with a ceremonial STD test.

“By taking this symbolic STD test, I am happy to usher in a new and improved healthcare system here at Cornell,” President Pollack remarked before informing the registered nurse that she did not want her parents to be contacted about the screening.

Avoiding eye contact with those attending the ceremony, the relatable president took a urine cup from the shelf, tacitly wrote her name on the side, and shuffled off to a bathroom to complete the task.

“Regardless of the results, I am proud to lead our campus towards greater sexual health and wellness,” Pollack added, making a futile attempt to hide the sample while asking under her breath where it belonged.

Pollack concluded the christening by wishing the entire university happiness and good health in the years to come, making sure to grab a purple condom on her way out.

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