Cornell Health Recommends Getting Flu Out of the Way Now Before Prelims Start

Vas Mathur / Cornell Daily Sun

CORNELL HEALTH—On Wednesday, Cornell Health officials released a statement to the university suggesting that students contract flu now to get it out of their system before prelim season.

“We just think that you might as well get that out of your way before the semester really picks up,” says Kathy Grammer, Cornell Health official. “I mean, you could get a flu shot, but honestly you might as well bite the bullet now so we won’t run out again.”

Students across campus, amidst lack of flu vaccines available, have taken steps to breathe into each other’s mouths and share pong cups in order to get the flu in and out before things ramp up. “A couple of my friends got together last weekend and soaked in the freezing rain to really get that virus rolling,” stated Jamie Carlton ‘20.

The statement additionally suggests that students start getting pregnant, as Cornell Health is running low on free condoms.

President Pollack Christens New Health Building with Ceremonial STD Test

CORNELL HEALTH—President Martha Pollack officially marked the opening of the new Cornell Health building this week by christening it with a ceremonial STD test.

“By taking this symbolic STD test, I am happy to usher in a new and improved healthcare system here at Cornell,” President Pollack remarked before informing the registered nurse that she did not want her parents to be contacted about the screening.

Avoiding eye contact with those attending the ceremony, the relatable president took a urine cup from the shelf, tacitly wrote her name on the side, and shuffled off to a bathroom to complete the task.

“Regardless of the results, I am proud to lead our campus towards greater sexual health and wellness,” Pollack added, making a futile attempt to hide the sample while asking under her breath where it belonged.

Pollack concluded the christening by wishing the entire university happiness and good health in the years to come, making sure to grab a purple condom on her way out.

As Flu Season Ramps Up, Gannet Recommends Not Sneezing Into People’s Mouths

HEALTH SERVICES – To help students stay healthy, health professionals at Gannett Health Services have released recommendations for avoiding the flu, encouraging those on campus to avoid sneezing into each other’s mouths as often as possible.

“We recommend washing your hands regularly,” said Gannett physician Dr. Martin Trombly, “as well as getting plenty of sleep, and discourage yourself from going up to other students who are yawning or talking and sneezing right down their exposed throats.”

Among other recommendations from Gannett are not sharing drinks and wearing surgical masks to prevent others or yourself from projecting mucus into the mouths of everyone around you.

“I got the flu last year because I let a friend of mine sneeze in my mouth,” commented Jennie Christensen ‘18, “Now I’m not friends with that person and I am very health conscious about my open mouth.”

Students who have contracted the flu are encouraged to stay at home to prevent the spread of disease and not lick anyone’s face.

Campus STD Rates Plummet After RA Puts Clever Safe Sex Pun on Hallway Corkboard

GANNETT HEALTH SERVICES — Representatives from Gannett Health Services report a staggeringly low number of confirmed sexually transmitted disease cases on campus for this semester, attributing the drop to a clever sex pun PSA posted in the 4th floor Donlon hallway by RA Danielle Covington ’17.

“If you don’t use protection, you’re a goner(rhea)!” exclaimed a cartoon phallus from Covington’s poster next to the elevator, forcing dozens of impressionable freshmen to take notice of the condom-less male genitalia and reconsider their own sexual shenanigans.

“I considered having unprotected sex with Ken later, but there’s no way I’ll go for that now. Thanks Rick the Dick!” stated resident Lily Newhart ’19, forever changed due to the informative poster down the hall from her dorm.

Gannett later said that the next goal was to reduce the spread of viruses on campus by placing even more jokey warning stickers on every soap and hand sanitizer dispenser.

Gannett: If Your Vacation Lasts For More Than Four Days, Call Your Professor

HO PLAZA– In preparation for the end of February break on Tuesday, February 16, Gannett Health Services released the following statement: “Nearly half of all seniors at Cornell suffer from some sort of senioritis. Getting a dose of reality can help students attain and keep their motivation. Ask your professor if your brain is smart enough to continue taking the course without any serious drops in your grades. Do not take a dose of reality if you are currently taking classes you don’t care about. Side-effects of the break include wanting five more minutes of sleep and cramming for Wednesday.  If you begin missing home, call your parents immediately. Ask yourself if a vacation is right for you. If your break lasts for more than four days, visit your professor to find out how to catch up on all you’ve missed.”