CORNELL HEALTH–Maricel Caoili ‘26 experienced a breakthrough in therapy this Thursday when Dr. Elizabeth Fields decided to ignore Caoili’s experiences entirely and consult 2012’s third leading fanfiction and quiz website, Quotev.
“I’d been trying to help Maricel for a while, but it’s so hard when I have no training related to trauma, the stress of being a racial minority, or LGBT issues,” said Fields of some of the most common reasons for students to seek out counseling. “But then I remembered that the website I used to read Doctor Who x Reader fanfics on had some pretty cool quizzes back in the day. I’ve never actually diagnosed someone without making them get a $500 assessment with an outside provider, so this was pretty exciting!”
Fields spent the next four minutes guiding Caoili through the comprehensive diagnostic tool. She started taking notes rapidly when Caoili said her favorite color was “black like my soul” instead of “the voices say red… >:)” or “squirrell! wait, sorry, wut? :0.” With only seven questions in the quiz, Fields even had enough time to read a “thrilling” story about a young girl who was sold to One Direction before the end of Caoili’s monthly 25-minute appointment.
“I have to say, I had my doubts about the whole process,” said Caoili, who was ultimately diagnosed with schizophrenia because “u have 2 b INSANEEE to like justin beiber more than green day!!” “But if this is the best care a university with a multibillion dollar endowment can provide, who am I to argue? The Cornell student body’s mental health is famously high for a reason, right?” she asked before dissolving into tears in the Cornell Health lobby.
Unfortunately, Caoili’s journey to healing encountered an additional roadblock after Fields insisted that if there were mental illnesses other than depression or anxiety, she would have heard of them already.