DUFFIELD HALL—In an effort to drum up enthusiasm for the academically rigorous engineering college and reduce student stress on campus, College of Engineering officials have developed an exciting new system: giving students five minutes of cool-ass laser playtime for ten bucks apiece.
“As administrators, we are constantly asking ourselves how to make engineering cool with the youth,” said Alexander Stephens ‘87. “We asked ourselves, how can we make building bridges cool? The answer is obviously LEGO, but frankly the Hotel School beat us to that one, and that was a bit deflating. But then we thought, hey, we have this sick-as-fuck laser just hanging around and students would probably get a kick out of dicking around with it for a minute.”
Following this, Engineering officials began selling “Lazer Play” time slots for ten dollars each. The program sold out its first week within five minutes of releasing tickets, with students competing for times ranging from four in the morning to midnight. After completing their time slot, several students expressed pleasure with the new program.
“That was fucking dope!” exclaimed Jeff Seshun ‘26. “It’s like I have a lightsaber but don’t have to worry about cutting my hand off! Dude, dude, dude. I’m telling you, dude, it’s so sick. I shined that shit all around. I shined it at the wall, I almost blinded myself. I may have hypothetically shined it at a plane and caused a midair collision between two Boeing 747s. Honestly if they wanted to avoid that they should have engineered a better plane that couldn’t be taken down by a first-year communications major.”
As of writing, the family of United Airlines Flight 7 have all filed suit against the College of Engineering, demanding a turn with the laser.