Student Dreads Return Home to Her Fighting Hamsters Over Break

WESTCHESTER, NY—Freshman Jasper Griffith ‘21 would rather stay in Ithaca over break, but is instead reluctantly returning home to visit her bickering hamsters, Martha and Lance.

“My house just doesn’t feel like a home anymore. It’s a cold atmosphere. Martha and Lance can’t stop fighting, and it’s ripping my family a new asshole,” said Griffith as she painfully purchased her ShortLine ticket.

Martha and Lance, both hamsters of Turkish descent, used to have a fun-loving relationship filled with titillating date nights and passionate sex sessions. Nowadays they consistently have disputes, often physical, mostly over the stress of refinancing the mortgage on their cage. Just last week, Lance threw Martha on an already-spinning wheel, hurting her severely in a rodential domestic assault for the ages.

Griffith continued, “I’m excited to go home to see my younger sister, but it’s going to be difficult for me to deal with my hammies. I wish they would just make the decision to separate already.”

The bickering rate for hamsters is currently at 53%, an all-time high in New York State.

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