Frat DJ’s Status Reconsidered After Accidentally Playing Tchaikovsky’s Op.71: No.14, “Pas De Deux” At Rush Event

UNIVERSITY AVENUE —Beta Sigma DJ Peter Hans ‘23 has come under fire from the rest of the fraternity after a mishap at the most recent rush event at which he wasn’t paying attention and accidentally played Tchaikovsky’s Pas De Deux from the Nutcracker Suite.

The fraternity’s upper management has condemned Hans’ actions, stating that Beta Sig is no place for classical music and reiterating their hard work to maintain their reputation as “stinky, stinky menaces to society.”

The mistake was first noticed by Scottie McMasters, a freshman rushing the fraternity. “I was talking to the rush chair, Bongo, when I heard the most magical string melody coming from the speakers,” McMasters described. “It was hard to be sure over the sounds of everyone talking, so I asked Bongo if that was Tchaikovsky. He just told me that ‘there’s no one by that name in this frat’ before returning to our conversation about how even though our dads pay for our Mercedes, they’re still our cars.”

As more and more brothers were made aware of the abhorrent absence of Day ‘n’ Nite remixes playing, they hurled a barrage of insults at Hans. “I tried to convince them to at least wait until the horn section came in at the climax, but they were not having it,” sighed the impeached emcee.

Despite Hans’ egregious error, the Beta Sig nomination committee is struggling to find a replacement: “Nobody could play songs off Spotify and then twist knobs that aren’t connected to anything quite like him.”

Rush Chairs Note Increased Difficulty in Determining Wealth via Zoom

TRIPHAMMER ROAD—Online rush originally seemed a lot easier to coordinate for recruitment chairs, until they realized just how difficult it was to determine the familial wealth of each and every potential new member over video. 

“It used to be so easy to spot the Canada Geese amongst the other ducks, like a gold coin amongst pennies,” notes recruitment team leader Mackenzie Roth ‘23. “We would even inspect the jackets for fakes so effortlessly when the girls visited the house, but now it’s like, we have to do some real work. Do you know how hard it is to find these random parents’ tax statements?” 

The girls have not given up, however, with many fighting for their lives to bring in an impeccably affluent member class. In fact, many sororities have enlisted the work of a screen zoom feature, to be able to flush out every little detail of the Zoomer. 

An avid user of her computer’s enlarge feature, Roth noted the perils of her journey: “it’s, like, hard to tell if it’s real Cartier now. Like I can’t even touch it. We need brave soldiers like me to find out,” she said, inches away from the screen of her golden Mac, inspecting every pixel of a rushee for signs of a trust fund. 

At press time, Roth was seen at their computer getting to know the girl on the other side of the screen, asking, “So where do you summer?”

Lucky Student Manages to Snag Thirty Free Tables in Temple of Zeus During Lunch Rush

TEMPLE OF ZEUS—Scrambling to beat the lunch rush at Temple of Zeus, Jackson France ’23 was elated to find the thirty tables he wanted all free. 

“I’m always extra vigilant on Mac and Cheese Day because I know how cutthroat it can get,” explained France. “I didn’t expect to get more than 22 or 23 tables, but man did I hit the jackpot! I’m so relieved I got the fifty feet of legroom I need to be productive.”

France was relieved to find over two dozen seating options with close proximity to wall outlets. “I was also afraid I’d have to wait forever in line—I’ve seen it stretch for one, even two people. But it went crazy fast! There was nobody in front of me, and when I got to the soup counter I didn’t even see people there to serve it,” he continued. 

“I’ll be back tomorrow for sure,” he concluded. “I just hope the building is unlocked this time, so I don’t have to break in again.”

Sorority’s Entire New Member Class Already Deactivated

KAPPA NU KAPPA—In a disastrous start to the sisterhood of Kappa Nu Kappa’s semester, the entire new member class deactivated from the sorority within two days of receiving their bids.

“Usually sisters of Nu Kappa wait to deactivate until they’re juniors or seniors,” said sorority president Amy Landerson ‘19. “But it looks like the ladies we got are even more advanced and high-achieving than we expected.”

After spending the extended rush trekking through the snow to different sororities, the frostbitten freshmen were eager to quickly pay their dues, add it to their resumes, and get out.

“They shouldn’t blame themselves,” said Renée Dawson ’22, who deactivated from Nu Kappa Monday evening. “I was just excited to get ahead of the game in the sorority process.”

The sorority’s remaining members are comforted by the fact that sorority life is really about the sisters they made along the way, as well as the upcoming dates of their own deactivations.

OP-ED: I Rushed a Sorority as an Undercover Russian Agent

I am not a sorority girl. I enjoy neither the effeminate American beer nor singing the praises of true democracy with loud girls. However, after receiving orders from Putin himself, I found myself in the throngs of brainwashed, constitution-loving idiots, blending in well with my collection of Johnny Cash T-shirts.

Why subject myself to this water they call vodka? I was on a mission to infiltrate the enemy and share the joys of overbearing totalitarian rule!

Let me explain myself before you uncultured cowboys raise your pitchforks and rev up your tractors. Ever since I physically manifested from the power of the Volga River, this nation of idiots has nagged at my conscience. I have never been satisfied by my noble government’s efforts to educate this opinion-spouting horde of dimwits.

So this was my assignment— to rush a sorority as an undercover agent and re-educate the USA, one group of Clint Eastwood-loving blondies at a time.

Like a babushka on her porch, I patiently waited for the perfect moment to slide undetected into their cesspool of laments about political processes. However, I quickly realized I was unprepared. In fact, I almost blew my cover when I was grabbed by a joyful “third-party” voter and interrogated about my personal information. The revelation of a legitimate two-party system was already shocking to me, so one can imagine my reaction to this American delusion.

That said, while these American snakes are sneaky, I was much more clever. “Yes! My name is Mary Samantha Smith, and I love to be American patriot. I live in great state of New York City. Go democracy and hamburgers!”

The feeble-minded ditzes did not suspect a thing, instead offering me a glass of water and asking me about my major. Silly little child, I muttered, how easily she must think I will succumb to her treachery. I knew that such poison would not pacify the beast of Russian pride that resides deep in my heart.

One by one, I went to each country girl and memorized their hometowns and favorite classes, knowing the intelligence would be the key to creating a new curriculum free of Western bias. They tried to break me with their incessant smile-nodding and complimentary hand warmers, but I was stronger than they thought.

I finished that fateful day with a hair full of glitter and a heart full of flames raging ferociously for the Motherland! Ura! Ura!

Fraternity Renovates Pledge Dungeon To Comply With New York State Hazing Laws

WEST CAMPUS — Known for employing unique initiation rituals that date back to Medieval Europe, brothers of Sigma Zeta Delta are reportedly renovating the house dungeon to comply with New York State hazing laws in preparation for this season’s pledge class.

“The state legislatures mandate we remove the rust from all the pokers, chains and nails, so we’re taking this weekend to make sure our new members will be tetanus-free through the process” said Social Chair Roger Sullivan ‘18, as he polished off a pair of shackles.

“It wasn’t too long ago that I myself was shut inside that iron maiden for two days as a pledge. But we don’t want any of my caked-on blood to infect our new brothers, so it’s time to disinfect.”

Once he had finished rebuffing the fraternity’s knee-splitter, Sullivan concluded his hard day’s work by releasing a member of last year’s pledge class from the pillory.

Sororities to Transform Potential New Members Into Mystical Fairy Creatures

WEST CAMPUS — Sororities have prepared to welcome a new class of young women who, by the end of Rush Week, will transformed into mystical, glitter-breathing fairy creatures.

“This is all going to be worth it, we shall be perfected by Bid Day,” gushed Quinn Pepperdine ’19, as the next step in the metamorphosis, her bare skin turning purple from the cold, was completed. The only changes left would be the smudging of her mascara and the sprouting of wings.

Daily rites performed by current members include savagely pounding on the walls to loud music, thought to awaken the higher powers of the Panhellenic Community who would bestow upon the young rushees the best Bigs in the world and the magical ability to take the perfect selfie at the end of their week-long evolution.

“Each time we scream at the girls, our shrill voices echo through their mind and instill in them our commitment to sisterhood,” explained Marissa Redding ’16 with a serene smile, who added that the women who could not evolve and adapt to their surroundings during the recruitment rounds would be weeded out by natural selection.

At press time, the girls were spotted emerging from their heavy coats and winter boots, ready to discover a higher and more worthy realm of existence.

Rushing Freshman Tries to Make Up More Interesting Hometown

WEST CAMPUS – After two days and dozens of dull conversations with fraternity brothers, Kyle McDonald ‘19 sees his boring hometown on Long Island as a crippling liability that might keep him from getting into his dream frat.

“I just feel like if I had a really cool thing to talk about when I introduce myself, it might be easier to get things rolling, you know?” said McDonald, who feels his suburban life is too ordinary to have a memorable conversation about.

McDonald recalls the utter horror he felt as a brother and another freshman talked about growing up on a farm for a good 15 minutes while he just stood to the side in shock, unable to contribute a single word after saying his name.

“The only thing I was able to talk about all day was the new strip mall that opened up by my high school,” recalled McDonald, who is leaning towards picking a place on the west coast to be his new home, like Seattle or Palo Alto.

After deciding on a new hometown, McDonald plans on fabricating some hobbies and past experiences so he can have more than one subject to talk about.