Cornell Dining to decrease portion suggestion from “smidgen” to “morsel”

APPEL DINING ROOM An internal University memo detailing controversial changes within the food troughs affectionately deemed “dining halls” surfaced this Monday.  Most notably, Dining staff are now being recommended to serve “morsels” of food rather than the previously established “smidgens”. The announcement came as a shock to student dining workers who have recently mastered the art of serving unsatiating portions. 

Timothy Riker ‘24, Level III student manager, was left baffled by the new guidance. “I honestly didn’t know a morsel was less than a smidgen” Riker stated, clearly perplexed. “I’m not sure it’s physically possible to scoop less food onto a plate than I already am.” Dining employees are not the memo’s only vocal opponents: students across campus are also weighing in on this fabricated food desert. 

“Each day that passes is another day closer to Appel Sunday brunch. It is literally the only reason I make it through the week,” remarked Gretchen MacCalister ‘26. “Now all I leave with is half of a dumpling and a continued sense of impending doom.” 

Bear Necessities and Jansens Market reported an increase in sales directly following the Morsel-Gate scandal. On-campus convenience stores are facing an unprecedented shortage of Instant Ramen, Doritos, and Beef Jerky sticks. Hungry students have no other choice but to hoard snacks and gorge themselves on donut holes that are somehow always stale. 

Anticipating an increase in students bold enough to ask for another helping, the memo instructed workers to reply to requests for seconds with a cheerful “Go fuck yourself”.

Morrison Dining to Accept Recited Plot Summary of Beloved As Alternative to Meal Swipe

MORRISON HALL––Following the launch of North Campus’s Morrison Dining Hall this January, Student & Campus Life has announced a new substitute for meal swipes: students can now access the state-of-the-art dining facility by narrating the entire plot of Toni Morrison’s novel, Beloved.

Within days of the announcement, every copy of Beloved was checked out of libraries all across campus. Due to a sudden surge in demand for the book, library staff have reported an estimated wait time of 50 weeks to obtain a copy.

The new policy has proved to be an exciting opportunity for book lovers to demonstrate their passion for literature. One English professor explained, “I made the 45 minute trek to North Campus today just to discuss the significance of the milk scene. I had already eaten lunch, but couldn’t resist a good chance to stop by and spread some knowledge.”

Several STEM majors have expressed their frustration with the new practice. “I wish it could have just been named Nye Dining instead,” physics major Hailey Godiner sighed. “I could sing the theme song from Bill Nye the Science Guy in my sleep.”

At press time, students were entering a mass panic as the Sparknotes website crashed from overuse.

OP-ED: My Hand Brushed Against Another Student’s In Okenshields, Should I Get Married Or Contact Traced?

OKENSHIELDS 一 Let me paint you a picture. There I am, alone, in Okenshields on a Tuesday night, preparing for a hearty meal in the line for stir fry and rice. My mind is wholly on food, and I am ravenous. My plan, executed to perfection numerous times hence, is to grab my meal, retreat to the safety of my table in the corner, eat, and leave. Alas, God sees the plans of man and laughs. Reaching out for the spoon to scoop my jasmine rice, another hand brushes up against my own, in a soft, warm caress that sends shivers down my spine. Thoughts spiral through my head of marriage and growing old together with this stranger. Yet I hear a cough at the same time, from the same general direction of the caress. I am now racked with a crisis of conscience: should my next move be to profess my love for this soft-handed seductress or procure a supplemental test at the earliest opportunity?


My gut instinct is to follow the former course of action. After all, how many true opportunities for love are we granted in one lifetime, and what man can afford to let them slide? You must understand that I have not felt the touch of a woman in many months, and that as the pandemic falls under control, I am tempted to reenter the romantic scene in person. I cannot abide another year filing out the Perfect Match survey only to discover a lack of chemistry in person. So on these rare occasions I must seize my chance and make my feelings known, right?


On the other hand, a positive COVID test could harm this and any future opportunities for courtship. What if, in avoiding the dangers of disease, I miss another chance down the line? What if I get more people sick and settle for someone not right for me? What if this relationship leads to disaster in such a way that I may never love again? As with the ripples of a leaf on the surface of a lake, one can never fully anticipate the consequences of unintended action, nor can man truly count himself a master of his own fate.


As I consider, in thorough detail, how to make my next move, I feel the glare of my peers, and look up into the piercing, emerald-green eyes of my potential lover. “Dude, you’re holding up the line,” she says, grasping the rice spoon. I walk away dejected, riceless, selecting my appointment on DailyCheck. Fate has once more conspired against me, and I was but a hapless spectator to the machinations of love.

Cornell Addresses Dining Hall Overcrowding with New “Slop in a Trough” Feeding System

ROBERT PURCELL COMMUNITY CENTER—Sloppy boys rejoice! Cornell Dining began Thursday by announcing its decision to fix its overcrowded, understaffed dining halls by switching to the innovative “Slop in a Trough” feeding system.


“We believe that Slop in a Trough is the fastest and most effective way to feed our growing student body,” said a Cornell Dining representative. “By eliminating lines, forks, plates, napkins, and vegetarian options, we have created a system in which there are no barriers to students shoving their face into a lukewarm tub of gelatinous nutrition.”


As RPCC opened for lunch, hundreds of hungry freshmen could be seen swarming past the doors to descend upon the bulbous trough laden with glistening slop. The air was soon filled with frenzied slurping noises punctuated by guttural chants of  “MMM… THE SLOP!” from wet-mouthed underclassmen. The students’ slop frenzy continued unabated even as Cornell Dining announced that no meal plan refunds would be given as a result of the new slop system.


In response to concerns that the Slop in a Trough arrangement was even less COVID safe than the previous system, the representative reassured the student body that the chemicals in the slop were more than enough to kill any pathogens encountered during the slop experience.

Increasingly Concerned Ryan Lombardi Makes it to Final Wing Without Tasting Anything

DAY HALLAs Ryan Lombardi, Vice President of Student and Campus Life, finished the penultimate chicken wing in a spicy wing challenge with “Hot Ones” host Sean Evans, he became increasingly worried about his inability to taste any of them.

Lombardi, who pounded through Wings 1 and 2, Sriracha and Franks respectively, initially believed his spice tolerance to be better than he had remembered. However, as he and Evans progressed through sauces topping 300,000 Scovilles, Lombardi’s confidence morphed into confusion then dread.

During the “Explain that Gram” segment of the interview, Lombardi appeared to pull out his phone under the table and glance at the official CDC webpage for COVID-19 symptoms. Lombardi then proceeded to sniff the remaining wings on the table as he felt his forehead and timed his breath.

On the seventh of ten wings, Evans asked Lombardi what his favorite things about Cornell, to which Lombardi replied “Okay… so Tuesday I went to Wegman’s but I was only there for five minutes and washed my hands, Thursday I met with Jerry but we were totally masked and distanced, so it can’t be him. I bet it was Sheryl!  She walked way too close to me in the Day Hall parking lot. I’m sorry what was the question?”

Upon eating the final wing Cornell students and staff received a typo-laden email announcing that university administration were now eligible for complimentary quarantine housing in the Statler Hotel with unlimited food and a $25,000 quarantine stipend.

Student Returning Home Disappointed By Meal Plan Options

STATEN ISLAND—Longing for a time with better company and better food, Alex Reed ’24 has been missing Cornell Dining’s exquisite meal selections while back at his parents’ house for Winter Break. 

“It’s nice to not have to wait in line at the dining hall—sorry, dining room,” Reed said. “But overall, there just hasn’t been the variety of dishes I’ve come to expect from my meal providers. I mean, where’s my vegan cheeseless enchilada bake to go with Grandma’s classic beef stroganoff?”

Despite scrolling through both the Eatery app and NYTCooking to get a taste of what the bourgeoisie of Ithaca and New York are eating, Reed still yearns for the safe consistency of Rose’s Taco Tuesday or the comfortable dim sum of RPCC brunch. 

“I even made Alex’s favorite spaghetti and meatballs, but he just mumbled something about Sicilian sheet pizzas and tofu and broccoli with red chili garlic,” said Reed’s mother Lily.  “I can’t take another night of him crying into a plate of baked chicken with macaroni and cheese because some place called Apple always made it Kosher.” 

At press time, Reed was seen ordering Domino’s just like he did most nights at school.

Adventurous Student Makes Second-Favorite Breakfast Dish After 10-Day Streak of Cooking His Favorite

COLLEGETOWN Alan McMillan ‘21 recently made the stunning decision to eschew his preferred breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast for his back-up choice of oatmeal with fresh fruit.

“I really felt like I was getting in a rut, what with classes and never leaving my apartment,” McMillan said excitedly while boiling some water in preparation. “And I’d gotten some nice looking blueberries at Wegman’s, so I thought, ‘what the heck!’ and got a little crazy.” 

McMillan’s roommate Christopher Liang confirmed that McMillan had successfully broken his 10-day long streak of “honestly mediocre and pretty unseasoned eggs” with a healthier, lighter, and equally unflavorful breakfast. McMillan meal exploration did not extend so far as to alter his choice of drinkshe stuck with his daily glass of orange juice, with which, he said, he “takes [his] vitamins.”

McMillan embraced a brand new mantra while cooking, which guided him throughout all of his culinary risks. “Life is about taking adventures, and that applies to cooking. To incorporate that, I boil water for the oats on medium-high, and not just medium. Then after the oats are cooked, I add blueberries, strawberries, and coconut flakes for their exoticness. I top it off with a dash of cinnamon, which I know could be way too spicy for some people, but I like to experience different cultures.” 

McMillan is reportedly figuring out what his next great risk will be. At press time he was debating between “lighting a brand new candle in lieu of usual half-full ones or switching out his 2-in-1 body wash for a 3-in-1.”

OP-ED: These Bitch Ass Bees Keep Bothering Me While I Try to Eat

COLLEGETOWN BAGELS—Let me begin by establishing that I’m normally extremely easygoing. A friend is running late to a meetup? I understand. Got rejected from my dream job? Things happen. Nothing, however, has tested my patience as much as those buzzy little shits that refuse to stay away from my latest CTB California Sunshine bagel. 

I’m out here minding my own business, hoping to enjoy a toasted garlic-y, onion-y, bready delight. But right as I open my mouth to take a bite of this warm embrace of cheese and avocado, this bitch ass bee interrupts me. He’s trying to intercept me like the professional basketball player he most decidedly is not. At a table of four people, you really wanted to single me out, huh? What kind of damn call out is this? 

Frankly, I’m just a little taken aback by the audacity of these creatures to insert themselves where they are clearly not invited. As if their tiny ass mouths could even fit a crumb of my rosemary salt bagel in their feeding receptacles, if they even have ones. So what’s the point? Why are they doing this? Are they trying to starve me? Did my mom orchestrate this because she noticed I was “looking a little chunky” last time I visited? Did I ask them to invite themselves over and help themselves to my meal and my conversation? I think the fuck not. 

Has personal space become too much to ask for these days? It’s not that hard to occupy literally any other cubic foot of this outdoor air space. He needs to take a goddamn hint and politely piss the fuck off. All I’m asking is for the opportunity to get a bite in before my food gets cold. 

Cornell’s Dietary Guidelines Recommend 12 Daily Servings of PepsiCo Products

PEPSICO AUDITORIUM– In an attempt to encourage healthy on campus living habits, Cornell Dining, Cornell Health, and the Cornell Department of Nutritional Sciences have released a food guide recommending that students consume 12 servings of PepsiCo products every day.

“Many young adults find out that college is the time to start thinking about what you eat,” said Cornell Health administrator Juanita Thomas ‘91. “That’s why it’s so important to clarify that they should be aiming to eat roughly 10 to 14 portions of PepsiCo products, such as those available at Cornell Dining’s many locations across campus.”

Despite the guide’s stringent requirements, university officials believe they can help students make healthy choices. “We understand the need to treat yourself to some Whole Foods, or maybe even a General Mills product every once in a while, but this should generally be a special occasion instead of the norm,” said a Cornell Dining representative. “That’s why we’re committed to selling healthy alternatives like 1.25 L bottles of soda for as little as 99 cents.”

At press time, the three organizations announced an addendum to the guide, reminding students to use only the finest SC Johnson hand sanitizer prior to eating their 12 servings of Pepsi-co products.

Waffle Frolic Owner at Apple Fest Slips on Amish Bonnet in Attempt to Justify Higher Prices

THE COMMONS—After he saw 20-minutes lines for Apple Fest-goers to pay $2 for a single apple cider donut made by members of a local Amish community this past weekend, owner of local restaurant Waffle Frolic Johnny Clotter was observed putting on an Amish-style bonnet in hopes that the aesthetic would bring him more business. 

“The market wants what the market wants,” explained Clotter. “If all I need is an old-timey hat and a smaller electric bill to charge double for my waffles, I’m fully on board.” 

Waffle Frolic’s traditionally hip staff was reportedly instructed to wear ankle-length dresses and aprons and to say the waffles were only made using employees’ bare hands. Further, they were told to only accept cash for the $30 waffles unless customers thought it was just as authentic to pay with credit card.

“Not a fan,” commented Malachi Schlappach, one of the donut booth cashiers.

At press time, Ithacans lined up around the block to say they were partaking in a ‘cultural experience’ while secretly gawking at what they thought were funny clothes.