COLLEGETOWN — In recognition of Yom Kippur, the annual Jewish holiday of atonement during which followers often fast for a full 24 hours, Cornell student Isaac Rosen ’18 has decided to refrain from eating and reflect on the fact that he doesn’t really have any food in his house anyway.
“I’m so proud to continue this incredible tradition of acknowledging my past wrongdoings and suffering for the entire day by not eating, though honestly I probably wouldn’t have been able to scrounge enough food in my house to make a full meal anyway,” said the somber and relatively hungry junior, continually searching through his cabinets for a spare granola bar or a half-eaten bag of chips to munch on once sundown arrived.
“I certainly made mistakes last year, mistakes that I’m now acutely aware of due to my rumbling stomach. Those mistakes include not buying more DiGiorno’s frozen pizza when given the chance, and not saving the other half of the burrito I had for lunch yesterday. What a truly special holiday.”
Rosen apparently had finished atoning for his sins at 4:45, when in a hunger-induced panic he realized that he could just grab some leftover food from his frat house.
JANSEN’S MARKET — Onlookers in Noyes came to the conclusion earlier this afternoon that the entire cheesecake staring at them from the lonely refrigerated display wasn’t going to eat itself after all.
“One thing’s for certain: that scrumptious-looking dessert has no capacity for autophagy and no one else in this line has the guts to eat it whole,” said sophomore Andrew Heins, the lucky devil at the front of the line who found himself in the prime location to well purchase the creamy delicacy.
Sources reported that the cheesecake in question, with its succulent, crumbly crust pressed firmly up against the glass, and its subtle drizzle of raspberry sauce delicately falling down the side, would need some selfless individual to take up the arduous quest of devouring it.
“Somebody’s gotta take it out of its misery,” said Heins, adding that he had to climb the slope two times just that morning so the decision was sufficiently justified. “It’s practically begging for me to take a fork to it.”
Heins cancelled the transaction after noticing the $5.20 price per slice of the 14-pieced confection and announced to no one in particular: “While somebody has to finish that cheesecake, that somebody will not be me.”
Sources later confirmed that at the end of the day, the cheesecake would end up being shared by Jansen’s Market staffers after they finished wiping drool off the counter.
STATLER DRIVE — As the lunch rush peaked at the dumpster behind the Statler Hotel, dozens of local raccoons decided the long lines for wasted food from the Terrace Restaurant have become too long to put up with.
“It’s ridiculous how many animals are trying to dig into the Terrace garbage,” commented Robbie Raccoon, who waited for almost twenty minutes behind a queue of squirrels and chipmunks for the day’s half-eaten burritos and salads.
Many feel overwhelmed by how popular the trash has become recently, offering a wide selection from leftover candy bars to whole, uneaten sandwiches students never had time for.
“I’ve got things to do, I can’t wait around all day for scraps,” said another concerned critter, “let some other scavenger have it. I’m not going to waste time and money on food I ain’t gonna finish.”
Raccoons and other creatures will likely face worse circumstances soon when broke college students join the line competing for garbage.
HO PLAZA, BASE OF OPERATIONS – The Ithaca sector of the Girl Scouts of America have entered the next phase of their campus infiltration, as dozens of six-year-olds and their parents enforce their confection-based fascist agenda outside of Willard Straight Hall.
“These freethinkers will pay for not accepting our cookies as mandated by the constitution of the New Scout Order,” 3-star Scout General Karlie Berry barked at a 5 AM line-up to her troupe. The decorated, 4-feet 8-inches tall elementary school student continued, “We take their cash, we take their credit, we take Venmo, and if they have allergies, your primary objective is to secure a donation!”
As the next stages of their Ithaca takeover commence, Daisy and Brownie Troops have relinquished recess time to receive extensive training for improved implementation of cartwheeling and shirt tugging tactics at numerous campus outposts.
“Recently, we’ve gained intel that a number of civilians have been lying about not having money on them,” Phoebe Little of the 4th Brigade explained, motioning to a light blue petal pin on her sash. “That is in violation of the ‘Honest and Fair’ badge, which is a major offense. Something needs to be done.”
At press time, the Girl Scout’s battalion was seen setting up a blockade on Ho Plaza, only allowing through civilians who pledge their allegiance to their sovereign assortment of cookies.