Student Forced To Forage For Berries, Twigs After Staying On Campus Past 5PM On Weekend

CENTRAL CAMPUS–A meal swipe-less Logan Jergen ‘26 found himself forced to take advantage of nature’s own all you can eat dining system after studying on central campus until 5:30 on a Saturday night.

“This is all I have left to eat,” said Jergen through a pink mouthful of cherry blossoms. “Goldie’s–Cafe Jennie–Franny’s–they all closed on me. I tried going to Libe Cafe but they just told me to ‘eat this book, dumbass,’ and threw Gravity’s Rainbow at my head. I tried a vending machine but it wasn’t the one day a year that they work. It’s an uncaring, dangerous world out here–but I intend to make it through the night,” he swore, biting fiercely into a handful of moss.

Although campus’s vast array of grasses, wildflowers, and aesthetically pleasing shrubberies first looked inedible to his untrained eye, Jergen soon found himself as naturally suited to his wild diet as the birds that whirled gracefully above. 

“This isn’t so bad, actually,” said Jergen while munching thoughtfully on a stick. “You know, in the olden days, students didn’t have our modern dining halls and were forced to travel by covered wagon all the way to Buffalo to enjoy a nice grab ‘n’ go vegan meatball dinner. Really feels like I’m getting in touch with how my Cornell ancestors used to eat way back in the 1920s. Like an early Okenshields,” he added before seizing a nearby finch with his bare hands and snapping its neck for a light snack.

At press time Cornell Dining had already sent Jergen an $18 bill for his on-campus feast.

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