WEST CAMPUS—No self-respecting student would ever dare to eat dinner alone, so all eyes were on Jaden Lewis ‘25 last night at Becker House as he appeared to finish his meal entirely by himself.
Patrons stared at the pathetic nobody in a mixture of pity and disgust as he filled his plate and slowly meandered to the emptiest corner of the dining hall. Multiple sources confirmed that Lewis was met with uproarious laughter after he accidentally dropped his fork and had to get a new one.
“I thought he might be waiting for his friends because he kept glancing around the room, but once I saw him put his AirPods in and turn his phone horizontally, I knew he was just a total freak,” reported a concerned onlooker, who also repeatedly clarified that she herself has a robust social life.
Lewis maintained that he virtually always eats with his large yet close-knit friend group, but unfortunately they were all busy yesterday. “They’re really popular and very attractive people. I would know because I hang out with them all the time, like every day or sometimes even more than that.” Witnesses to the sad scene could not recall ever seeing Lewis with an acquaintance, let alone a friend.
Numerous dining hall workers independently confirmed that the downright pathetic individual regularly struggles with basic human interaction. “When I asked if he wanted another scoop of mashed potatoes, he froze for a second, and then sprinted for the exit,” relayed a shocked employee.
After leaving the dining hall, Lewis reportedly waited 20 minutes for an empty elevator before ultimately deciding to take the stairs, which the utterly pitiful loser claims are “faster and more efficient.”