Student Researcher Figures Journals Will Understand if They Guesstimate the Last Bit

CORNELL LAB OF ORNITHOLOGY—After being barred from entering her lab, student researcher Rose Schwartz ‘21 speculated that scientific journals would cut her some slack if she fudged the numbers a little bit in her study of bird genomics.

“I understand that publications like Science and Nature have pretty high standards for their journals, but I think we all recognize how exceptional the circumstances are,” said Schwartz. “If I include a letter about how hard it will be for me to get into a good grad lab without getting published, I’m sure they’ll give me a little leeway with the data quality.”

Schwartz, who is investigating rates of genetic diversification in clusters of finch species from two Pacific archipelagos, expressed dismay at having her research cut short but is confident that the peer-reviewed publications would make some exceptions for her, noting that the remaining work was “just some sciency stuff.”

“I just have, like, one or two birds left to analyze,” Schwartz reasoned. “I already have a pretty good hunch about what the data is going to look like, so I think I can just throw that in there with a little note. Besides, they can’t only publish articles about COVID-19, right? That would be so bland—they’ll definitely appreciate the variety.”

Schwartz continued to assure herself that her live research animals would have no problem fending for themselves in the lab until September.

College of Human Ecology Quickly Retracts Paper Linking Serving as President of Cornell, Being an Absolute Moron

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—In an unusual reversal, the College of Human Ecology rapidly changed tacks on their new study connecting being a complete asshat with holding the title of President of Cornell.

“Although my colleagues and I initially believed that symptoms of being a total clown showed a direct cause-and-effect relationship with being the head of Cornell University, more recent findings have muddied the waters on this controversial topic,” said Professor Anusha Vinukonda ’93, the lead author of the now-withdrawn study.

“A few problems arose very late in the process,” Vinukonda continued. “We had a fairly small sample size, for instance. When you’re only looking at one administrator, it’s hard to make sweeping judgments about the correlation between leading a university and having poor judgment and making moronic choices.”

At press time, Vinukonda and her coauthors cautiously announced plans to investigate whoever the fuck wrote the suggestion to rename the college in the first place.

Cornell Human Development Study Confirms Bitches Really Do Be Like That

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL — Whether it comes to common choices in clothing, similar affectations, or extreme emotional reactions, bitches really do be like that, a pioneering new study has confirmed.

Looking at behaviors such as daily horoscope checking, writing notes in five different colors, and making 5-11 Instagram story posts wishing their friend “Happy Birthday!” researchers found remarkable similarities among the female population. Those traits, combined with certain aesthetic preferences like wearing white sneakers, mom jeans, crewneck sweaters with Greek letters, and impractically small novelty eyewear, led them to conclude that this phenomenon could only be holistically described by a single phrase.

“Our study, without any shred of doubt, shows that they unabashedly conduct themselves in this manner,” said Joshua Leongotter ‘72, associate professor of Women According to Men Studies, theorizing that there is no strong evidence that the female gender can behave otherwise. 

Responses to the study, said researcher Hal Rattuccie ‘23, are already being incorporated as further evidence. “We already knew that bitches be mad annoying sometimes,” he said, “and now they be all angry and callin’ to yell at us and shit. But surprise, shorties, we got the receipts!” 

Studying female conduct such as vocal pitch rising at the end of sentences, hand-covering of the face as a signal of embarrassment, and noisily slurping with a straw at the bottom of a practically empty drink, researchers found that the conclusion was blatantly obvious. 

“In all of those categories, I was right! Bitches really do be like that!” said Leongotter. He explained that “the study pin-pointed certain actions and measured their rate of occurrence among a statistically significant section of the female population that I encounter daily. As one may have guessed, our results were staggering – they proved that I was right about bitches all along.” 

When asked if the department might move forward with a similar study into the behavior of men, Leongotter dismissed the idea, saying it would be a “waste of time” and only yield “boring generalizations that contribute nothing to the public discourse.”

Undergraduate Researcher Makes Breakthrough on Professor’s Desired Coffee Flavors

WEILL HALL – After months of careful research, undergraduate research assistant Elizabeth Wooding ‘19 confirmed that Biomedical Engineering Professor Anthony Watkins’ preferred flavor of coffee is mocha.

“I think we’re going to publish soon,” said Wooding cheerfully following the last bit of data gathered from her many tireless trips back and forth between Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts. “Watkins told me he will even get the entire department to review my paper. It’s really unprecedented to have a student so close to publication so early.”

Dr. Watkins was notably impressed by such a careful study into his caffeine consumption habits that he plans on extending an offer for Wooding to remain in his group for the next few semesters. However, Wooding has stated that she would like to be involved with several different experiments within her department, with experts in the bioengineering field who like Gimme! Coffee or Seattle’s Best.

“Elizabeth is one of the best staff members our group has seen in a long time,” Professor Watkins shared. “It would certainly be bittersweet seeing her leave my team, but I suppose I could just use the Keurig in the faculty lounge in the event that she does leave us.”

Elizabeth has also expressed interest in independent research of Goldies sandwich choices among physics PhD candidates next semester.