Tag Archives: Professors

Professor Encourages Students to Ask Questions He Already Knows How to Answer

ROCKEFELLER HALL—During his Intermediate Quantum Mechanics lecture, Professor Zhao urged his students not to hold back and to ask questions about anything they’re unsure about, unless, of course, he can’t answer the question himself. “Come on, guys,” Zhao said, finishing an illegible problem on the board, “You can ask me Read More

Asshole Professor Makes Adorable Gingerbread House

TOMPKINS COUNTY, NY — After approving the grades that would lead 58 students to tears and 17 to change their majors, asshole math professor Nancy Druckman began piping royal icing between walls of delectable cookies to assemble her adorable holiday gingerbread house. Professor Druckman, commonly referred to as “the devil Read More

Professor Drops Class at Last Possible Minute

KENNEDY HALL – Noting that it was a hard but necessary move, Professor Larry Miller, Biology and Society, has dropped his Communication in Medicine class only hours before the end of the penalty-free drop period. “I couldn’t handle the stress,” Miller stated when asked about his last-minute decision. “I’m already Read More

Student Texting During Class Has Literally No Idea What Professor Is Saying

BAILEY HALL – Approximately fifteen minutes into her 10:10 AM lecture for Intro to Marketing, Haley O’Quinn ‘19 had literally no idea what her professor was saying after she started texting during class. “Since I was in my first morning class and hadn’t had the chance to check my phone Read More

Professor to Start Posting Links on Blackboard

MCGRAW HALL – After recommendations from his students and the administration, Professor Desmond Wallace, anthropology, has decided to start posting his articles on Blackboard. “I suppose you can say I’ve emerged from the Stone Age, per se,” said Wallace, as he proudly wrote out the hyperlinks to the online reading Read More

Professor Selling Signed Copies of Own Fluid Mechanics Textbook

CORNELL STORE — Sitting outside on Ho Plaza with a stack of books and a pen at the ready, Chemical Engineering professor David Ernst is offering students signed copies of his self-published book, “Fundamentals of Fluid Mechanics and Magnetohydrodynamics.” “I’m trying to generate a lot of buzz about this book,” Read More

Sack of Shit TA Cancels Office Hours for So-Called “Family Emergency”

BAKER HALL — Undergraduate Teaching Assistant for CHEM 2070 and local sack of shit Jenna Liu cancelled her regular office hours this week for a so-called “family emergency,” neglecting her duties to many passionate, hard-working chemistry students. “I don’t care what elderly relative is in the hospital, I need her Read More

Professor Wearing Watch As If Clocks Aren’t Everywhere

HOLLISTER HALL – Engineering professor Edward McTiernan was observed wearing a wristwatch while teaching his embedded systems lecture Monday morning, seemingly oblivious to the fact that there are clocks almost everywhere on this college campus. “When I saw Dr. McTiernan with a watch, I was pretty confused, considering there are Read More

Professor Trying to Understand Inferior, Feeble Mind in Office Hours

BAKER HALL — After trying several times to help one of his students with a difficult problem set, Materials Science Professor Dr. Jared Schafer was still attempting to comprehend Sophie Adler’s ’18 baffling inability to understand difficult concepts. “I’m really having a hard time understanding why you’re not getting this,” Read More