Tag Archives: Professors

OP-ED: Saying “Don’t Come to Class When You’re Sick” Discriminates Against Cornell’s Sickly Little Victorian Boy Population

My dearest Cornell community—you see us wandering about campus in our finest nightgowns, draped dramatically over the lavatories, or reclining in our sumptuous beds that do nothing to alleviate our physical agonies, but do you truly care about us? Lately I have been witness to a dangerous trend, one that Read More

“Egads, I’ve Been Foiled Again!” Cries Would-Be Hacker Stymied by Canvas Two-Factor Authentication

UNKNOWN—After attempting for months to break into the Cornell Canvas mainframe, a nefarious hacker who is known as “The Marauder” on online message boards looked on in horror as the website informed him that he could not proceed without a second authentication factor. “Blast! Those conniving Cornelians foiled my Machiavellian Read More

New Human Development Course To Be Taught On How To Steal A Baby

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—The College of Human Ecology is offering a new course in the Fall of 2020 for those who want to understand the psychology of parenthood, but can’t be bothered with the inconvenience of copulation. HD3800, The Art of Baby Snatching, is a welcome addition to the college’s Read More

Medieval Literature FWS Sets New Record With 62 Minutes of Unbroken Silence After Question

ROCKFORD, IL—Area graduate student and instructor of MEDVL 1101: Middle English Poetry, Carlos Galarraga, has reportedly achieved a record-setting sixty-two minute period of silence after asking a question about a recent reading to his first-year writing seminar. “It got a little awkward in there for a bit, but I believe Read More

Visibly Deranged CS Professor Demands Students Transfer Consciousness to Computer, Upload to CMS By Next Sunday

LOCATION BLOCKED—Streaming from the depths of his secret mountain lair, Professor Lucas Mordock excitedly announced over a Zoom lecture on Friday that “the time had finally come to set his master plan into motion,” instructing his students to submit a digital copy of their minds within a week. The chilling Read More

OP-ED: Instead of Abolishing Median Grades Let’s Switch to Using Lower Quartile Grades But Not Tell Anyone

Following Cornell’s decision not to compile median grades for the 2020 Spring Semester, critics have been emboldened in their vocal opposition to the practice, which is designed to curb grade inflation and compare students’ performance to that of their peers.  Personally, I never understood why they put median grades on Read More

“I’m Just Going to Close My Eyes For A Bit,” Says 81-Year-Old Professor About to Die in Front of Entire 8 AM Lecture

ITHACA—Shortly after telling students of his MAE 2020 course, “I’m just going to close my eyes for a bit,” Professor Robert Wiggins quickly passed away Friday morning, abruptly ending the 8 AM lecture.  “It’s such a shame that it happened, and I’m sure dying on camera for hundreds to see Read More

Student Ends Up in the Loser Breakout Room Again

PRINCETON, NJ—Midway through her ECON 1110 lecture, Samantha Keys ‘22 once again found herself in a breakout room filled with the biggest weirdos the class had to offer.  “I’m not trying to be a bitch, but these people are serious buzzkills,” Keys complained. “Like, one of them spent the entire Read More

Disturbingly Vast Collection of African Fertility Idols on Mantel Sure Taking Away from Professor’s Accounting Lecture

ITHACA—A thrice-weekly glimpse into the home of Assistant Professor Peter Covington has proven to be a major distraction for students of his HADM 2210 Managerial Accounting course, who have taken note of the professor’s extensive collection of African fertility idols displayed across his living room.  “He has mentioned before that Read More

College of Human Ecology Quickly Retracts Paper Linking Serving as President of Cornell, Being an Absolute Moron

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—In an unusual reversal, the College of Human Ecology rapidly changed tacks on their new study connecting being a complete asshat with holding the title of President of Cornell. “Although my colleagues and I initially believed that symptoms of being a total clown showed a direct cause-and-effect Read More