Nooz Staff May 20, 2020

New Human Development Course To Be Taught On How To Steal A Baby

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—The College of Human Ecology is offering a new course in the Fall of 2020 for those who want to understand the psychology of parenthood, but can’t be bothered with the inconvenience of copulation.

HD3800, The Art of Baby Snatching, is a welcome addition to the college’s courseroll. Human Development majors had been lobbying the department for years to create a course geared towards practical skills such as infant theft. 

“Sure, I understand the role of play in promoting the learning and socio-emotional development of children, but what good will that do me when I’m sprinting through the Ithaca Mall parking lot holding a baby, being chased by an irate mall cop and two shouting birthgivers? Thank god for HD3800.” said Michael Shannon ’23. 

The course does have a prerequisite, requiring students to take either PE 1260: Cardio Kickboxing, or PE 1347: Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Fundamentals. 

“I really think this course will  allow students to develop an appreciation for the cocaine-like high of kidnapping.” said Professor Goldstein, thrilled to teach his first class since his bail was posted. “Parenthood is a thrilling experience, especially once you’ve made absolute ass clowns out of maternity ward security.” 

“Sure, we teach students developmental theory, but we also provide hands on training that answers questions like: How many backyard fences can you jump while palming a baby’s head like a basketball? By the end of the course, the answer will be at least two and a half.”

Each student enrolled in the course will be issued a getaway van with darkened windows, an exact replica of Robin Williams’ costume from “Mrs. Doubtfire,” and a copy of Lao Tsu’s “The Art of War.” 

The college hopes to soon offer an additional course cross-listed with the Dyson School: Estimating a Child’s Relative Market Value. 

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