JESSUP FIELD—On Tuesday night, the hotly anticipated Cornell 2022 Intramural Outdoor Soccer League championship game—which was also the first game of the season—came to an underwhelming close. Team SOCCr, a ragtag group of CHEM2070 all-star students, put up a valiant effort but ultimately lost their chance at the glory that comes with intramural excellence.
“We thought it would be a really fun way to meet some new people,” reported team captain Jakey McQuaid, A&S ‘26. The team was shocked to discover that they were quite literally the only ones who thought that.
Things may have gone differently for team SOCCr had they spent more time practicing and less time coming up with their team name (an inspired play on the word “soccer” using the elements Sulfur, Oxygen, Carbon, and Chromium). Their opponents, a dead-eyed squadron of ROTC seniors made jaded by years of demanding on-campus military service, reportedly did not get the joke.
After a riveting ten minutes of intense gameplay, team SOCCr ultimately took the loss in a 26-0 mercy ruling. Still, their loyal fanbase was heartened by the crew’s gutsy performance. “I think they did an awesome job!” reported lone crowd member McQuaid’s mom, who drove up for the big match. “The most important thing is that everyone had fun.”
Unfortunately, team SOCCr will be unavailable to take another shot at victory in next year’s championship, as they have all been recruited by the Varsity Football team.
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