IVES HALL—In an unexpected Valentine’s twist, Cornell’s Perfect Match team managed the impossible by matching every Industrial Labor Relations Student together into one loving collective bargaining unit.
“I can’t wait to ask all 1,000 of my new matches out on a first date!” exclaimed Richard Lunka ‘24. “I have so many romantic ideas for us to get to know each other! Stargazing out on the picket line, gifting them tickets to their favorite union rallies every anniversary, secretly passing union authorization cards with hearts on them. I’m so excited!”
Despite only just receiving their matches, the prospective lovers were eager to tie the knot, easily surpassing the 30% threshold required for formal proceedings under the National Labor Relations Act. In a heartwarming display of support, the NLRB General Council sent a message of solidarity with ILR Students and Labor Secretary Marty Walsh attended initial festivities. While confused by the result, Perfect Match founders admitted that they were happy to see such a strong positive reaction to their pairings.
“Really, the algorithm adjustment process this year was a labor of love,” President Sarah Melson concluded. “Connection on campus has been tough the past few years, and we realized that part of the problem might be the structure of relationships themselves. While at-will relationships may be the dominant format in the United States, and certainly the preferred one in the business school, the ILR students clearly are happy with something a little different.”
At press time, Cornell’s administration had announced plans to expel the most vocal Perfect Match participants for “poor attendance,” and to hold a mandatory lecture series on how the dating system could end up with participants becoming twice as single as they were before completing the survey.