IVES HALL—New research has confirmed that the vast majority of ILR students were drawn to their major due in part to the political ideology presented in Click, Clack, Moo: Cows That Type, Doreen Cronin’s 2000 commentary on labor relations in the American heartland.
“Click, Clack, Moo completely revolutionized my life when I first read it as a four-year-old,” said Janine Calvin ‘24. “I’ve read dozens of studies on unionization and labor policy in the US during my time at Cornell, but none have illustrated the labor movement nearly as well as Cronin did. Actually, I think Betsy Lewin did the illustrations for the story. More academics should try drawing little cows on their papers, I think it could make them a lot more fun and engaging.”
The study indicated that ILR students most resonated with the book’s themes on the necessity for workers to demand basic rights (here, electric blankets to keep the cows warm at night), the power of the collective bargaining process (the herd’s ultimate triumph at winning the blankets after withholding milk), and the struggle inherent to winning concessions from an obdurate ruling class (the resistance provided by Farmer Brown, whom respondents frequently described as a “capitalist shitpig”). Despite this far-reaching support from ILR students, however, other students in other majors were less approving of the story.
“That book is absolute bullshit—and listen, I know a thing or two about bull shit,” said animal science major Derrick Madison ‘23. “First of all, cows can’t fucking type. This is, like, Animal Science 101 over here, I swear we learned that on the first day. And while it’s true that if the cows could communicate in English, they would indeed request electric blankets, I don’t buy for a minute that the ducks would ask for a diving board for their pond. They can fly, they could just dive into the water if they wanted to! God, it’s so fucking stupid. How all those ILR dumbasses can see past these obvious failings is beyond me.”
The study noted that the other 24% of ILR students felt that Farmer Brown acted well within his rights and that the cattle should have been forced to pull themselves up by their hoofstraps or risk being turned into beef.
ROSE HOUSE—After a series of dangerous public opinion polls demonstrated that Cornell’s three non-STEM colleges contributed “absolutely nothing positive to society,” the trio of management schools decided to set their differences aside to form a giant super-mech with the strength to defeat any plebes who stand in their way.
“People usually think, ‘Oh, ILR, they’re the pro-worker one,’” explained senior Carlsen Tucker ‘23, using the mech’s sword to cut a tenement building in half. “But we can fuck up the poor with the best of them. You know we send the same percentage of grads into consulting as Dyson does, right? Like five grads per year actually go into unions, the rest of us dedicate our lives to crushing their hope.”
Reports indicate that the mech was purchased with money from one Hotel major’s parents, on the condition that the mech be named after their hotel chain and that their son control the head. After discovering the head does not actually do much, the crew of the Monster Marriott began to squabble over who was causing the most damage. Ultimately, all agreed that the Hotelie could sit back while Dyson controlled the mech’s right arm and leg and ILR took the left.
“Genuinely, fuck you for making me associate with these three,” raged Dyson junior Jonathan Kirkland ‘24, hurling a public school bus into space with the left arm. “Do you know how high their admissions rates are? They’re in the teens! My father fucking founded Costco, he didn’t slave away calculating bulk discounts so I could attend school with the merely above average. But fuck it, if our interests happen to align for as long as it takes to smash an insubordinate underclass, so be it.”
After a full day causing havoc, the mech was forced to close its doors after a repeal of government subsidies for anime death machines rendered the project merely mildly profitable.
IVES HALL—ILR student Jason Schodd ’23 made major strides in his academic career this week after his bold inquiry into whether or not the academic year had yet begun. Although he has yet to attend class, Schodd’s newfound drive for excellence should allow him to rise above the middle of the pack among his classmates.
“Summer break is never as long as you want, but I think I’m just about ready for the school year to start,” stated Schodd. “I’m planning to step things up big time for the rest of the semester, some real scholarly shit,” added Schodd, referring to the act of leaving the house before 2pm and walking to Ives Hall.
Schodd’s educational renaissance was initiated after he began to ponder aloud to his roommates, asking “Where do you guys go every day?” and “Didn’t we get started earlier last year?”. Once informed that classes had been well in progress for over a month, he promptly went upstairs to take a nap, making a mental note to wander vaguely in the direction of central campus the following morning.
“It’s really wonderful to see Jason show this kind of initiative,” said Professor Christine Peters. “The fact that he’s taking such an active role in his coursework shows great potential. Up until now I’ve just been passing him in accordance with department policy, but if he actually makes it to class I’ll be giving him top marks for the rest of the semester.”
At press time, Schodd is poised to become one of the top performing ILR majors this year following his discovery that the material covered in his lectures “is like, the same” as the questions on his exams.
IVES HALL–Following four years of social activism, labor history, and education critical of corporate America, graduating seniors in Cornell’s School of Industrial and Labor Relations are itching to drop the act and use that knowledge to destroy unions for large sums of money.
“It’s been four years of hard work, twenty-page essays, and thousands of pages of reading,” announced James Jones ‘22. “My entire undergraduate career was spent building a greater understanding of the socioeconomic forces that have kept the working class down for centuries. It was enlightening, exhausting, and often frustrating. But finally, us seniors can go out into the world and help large corporations fuck over anyone earning less than $120,000 per year.”
During the end-of-year Alpern Awards, school administrators and professors honored students for their achievements in union organizing, social justice, and academia, handing out awards that were immediately slapped on resumes and used to secure positions in Fortune 500 mergers and acquisitions departments.
“Here at the ILR School, we pride ourselves in developing a strong sense of civic duty in our students that they completely ignore in their professional lives,” bragged Dean Alan White ‘85. “The ILR School was designed to be a place where progressive, worker-based ideology gets completely ignored as soon as it conflicts with corporate interests, which is why Cornell ILR is famous for busting its grad student union and the Pepsi-Co Auditorium.”
Responding to allegations that student dining hall workers are excluded from union membership by the school, administrators claimed that because all the students it actually cares about would never take a job at Jansen’s anyways, it doesn’t matter if “student workers” are paid less.
IVES HALL—In an unexpected Valentine’s twist, Cornell’s Perfect Match team managed the impossible by matching every Industrial Labor Relations Student together into one loving collective bargaining unit.
“I can’t wait to ask all 1,000 of my new matches out on a first date!” exclaimed Richard Lunka ‘24. “I have so many romantic ideas for us to get to know each other! Stargazing out on the picket line, gifting them tickets to their favorite union rallies every anniversary, secretly passing union authorization cards with hearts on them. I’m so excited!”
Despite only just receiving their matches, the prospective lovers were eager to tie the knot, easily surpassing the 30% threshold required for formal proceedings under the National Labor Relations Act. In a heartwarming display of support, the NLRB General Council sent a message of solidarity with ILR Students and Labor Secretary Marty Walsh attended initial festivities. While confused by the result, Perfect Match founders admitted that they were happy to see such a strong positive reaction to their pairings.
“Really, the algorithm adjustment process this year was a labor of love,” President Sarah Melson concluded. “Connection on campus has been tough the past few years, and we realized that part of the problem might be the structure of relationships themselves. While at-will relationships may be the dominant format in the United States, and certainly the preferred one in the business school, the ILR students clearly are happy with something a little different.”
At press time, Cornell’s administration had announced plans to expel the most vocal Perfect Match participants for “poor attendance,” and to hold a mandatory lecture series on how the dating system could end up with participants becoming twice as single as they were before completing the survey.
IVES HALL— In the face of mounting pressure from his peers, Industrial and Labor Relations junior Brent Samson recently assuaged fears that he was a corporatist, boot-licking Bezos simp by vaguely claiming that he has plans to work in the labor movement eventually, unless of course he could make more money in corporate law.
“I really get where he’s coming from,” remarked William Forwith ‘22. “The salaries in union advocacy pale in comparison to the absolute killing you could make defending megacorporations from workman’s comp lawsuits. It’s basic economics: the opportunity cost of having a soul in legal practice is really high, so of course the market incentivizes shielding billionaires from responsibility for their actions as an alternative.”
Despite the overwhelming financial incentives, Samson claims that his true passion lies in labor, and that after a modest career keeping sweatshops open and crushing strikes, he would be more than open to contributing in retirement.
“Honestly, I’ve learned so much here in ILR, there’s no way I could morally justify ignoring all of that and jumping head on into corporate work,” explained Samson. “I mean, my favorite class is labor history, so I’m putting it to use. I’m taking the Andrew Carnegie approach, where you just soak up as much wealth as you can for almost the entirety of your life, and then justify it by putting a small fraction of that money towards building a concert hall workers will never be able to afford going to. It’s called philanthropy.”
At time of publication, Samson insists that even if he does end up going into corporate law, it will be for one of the “good” companies, who release rainbow products for Pride Month and put out vague political commercials in the first week of June.
CARPENTER HALL—Mechanical Engineering student Jon Morrison ‘21 has shattered all previous recorded attempts to describe the undergraduate major in “Industrial and Labor Relations” by explaining it in under 100 words.
In an email sent to his younger cousin considering applying to ILR, Morrison outlined the various aspects of the universally confusing degree.
“ILR is all over the place. It stands for Industrial and Labor Relations, I think. It was established to support unions and labor in the 1940s, but undergrads don’t care about that too much anymore. If you are interested in finance, you call it an ‘applied social sciences degree’ and spin your business minor to sound impressive. If you are interested in HR, you don’t really explain it. If you’re actually interested in labor, you complain about the corporate agendas of everyone else in the school. Kids who actually do the course readings go to law school.”
(J. Morrison email)
The question of what ILR is has been stumping employers, alumni, and current students alike since the school’s founding in 1945. The previous shortest answer to this question came in 1967 when Government major Robert Tully ’68 managed to explain the major in just 149 words.
In a press conference Monday morning, the ILR school announced that it would officially adopt Morrison’s description of the major. “The Morrison email changed the game around here,” stated Professor Marcus Reynolds, the ILR School’s Associate Dean for External Relations. “We’re finally starting to understand it.”
The new description has already replaced the actual real-life seven-minute video previously used to explain the major on the official ILR website.
DAY HALL — After being pressed on investigations of poor working conditions of personnel at Weill Cornell Medicine in Qatar, the administration revealed that workers at the Doha facility are “Yeah – what? Oh no yeah they’re fine.”
Student activist groups’ continued call for an external infrastructure to prevent the discharge and deportation of migrant workers who seek to exercise their basic rights in Qatar has been met by administrative responses such as “Stop, we’re so sure, whatever” “Seriously guys, leave us alone” and “;).”
“Good enough for me! I’ll take that to mean wages are high and living conditions are great over there, nothing to worry about,” said protester Michael Doyle ‘16, who had been demanding an investigation of Cornell’s labor practices at the Middle Eastern campus for months before the statement was released. “And apparently, in addition to no employee problems whatsoever, there are beaches in Qatar – spring break anyone?”
Further questioning on Cornell’s use of the infamous kafala system of labor in their recruiting practices revealed “it’s cool, an ILR professor mentioned that and I think he said it was okay.”