My Calloused Hands Toil Thy Bosses Land: Problem Set Due on Labor Day

IVES HALL—A veritable academic eclipse has sent the New York State School of Industrial and Labor Relations into chaos as two rare events have coincided: a university-sanctioned holiday, and ILR students submitting an assignment.  

ILRLRLRLR 1321: Introduction to Conflict Provocation students are speaking out against their ostensible subjugation: a problem set due Monday evening. “I’m not really sure what’s in the NLRA, but this is definitely a violation of it,” stated recently-fired Starbucks Union Organizer Larry McGuire ‘24. “The owning class shall never extract this problem set from my working brotherhood.” 

Aggrieved classmate Ida Etta Harris ‘25 concurred, singing her new folk song, Labor is Entitled to All it Creates (My Assignment Turned in 12 Hours Late) and adding “I have nothing to lose but my chains—and my participation score, which is 50% of my average.”

Others don’t seem to be as invigorated by the controversy. “Wait, we don’t have classes on Monday?” responded 3.8 GPA Labor scholar Kelly Magdalene. “I wasn’t going to go anyway, but now there will be an extra long line at Starbucks. I mean… Gimme Coffee, or whatever the fuck.” Barry Martinschneider, professor of Conflict Provocation, justified his decision by yelling with a first in the air, “May Day est thy true revelry of the proletariat, and I refuseth to dignify Grover Cleveland’s capitalist placation any further!”

ILRies rejoiced as NLRB General Counsel Jennifer Abruzzo released a memo stating, “since all ILR students will be paraphrasing one particularly brown-nosing classmate’s answers, this technically is protected as concerted activity.”

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