As the 14th president of Cornell University, it is my responsibility to facilitate the smooth operation of our institution. To that effect, my administration has worked tirelessly to ensure harmonious labor relations on campus.
But goddamn, did we fuck this one up.
While over six dozen hard-working grad students are content with the present arrangement, a small but vocal majority of 1,873 voted in favor of unionization. Come on guys, really? You couldn’t even give ol’ Martha a nice, round 1,865, for old times’ sake?
Now, not only do these annoying nerds hold collective bargaining power over me, but the even more annoying nerds who inexplicably choose to study “Industrial and Labor Relations” are all riled up. Seriously, what kind of seventeen-year-old looks at the ILR school and says, “yeah, that looks cool”? And these people find joy in my misery!
But, worst of all, there exist the rabble-rousing, no-good, annoying-as-hell ILR grad students. Trustees, students, faculty: this was a mistake. We should have never enabled these uppity nerds by dedicating a whole school to making trouble, sowing discontent, and hurting my feelings.
Oh, goddamnit! How did we not see this coming? We throw a bunch of mid-twenties wannabe-intellectual types into Ives Hall of all places and expect them to be obedient, well-adjusted members of society?
Guys, I’m really sorry. I should’ve been more proactive, nipping this union thing in the bud. But, unfortunately, our university has a veritable garden of these seditious buds in the form of our second-weirdest school. You know, we should probably do something about that before the dining people get any ideas.
—Martha Pollack is a Pinkerton Detective Agent and moonlights as the 14th president of Cornell University.