CARL BECKER HOUSE, URIS HALL, COLLEGETOWN, ETC—After the closure of the Cornell University Borehole Observatory project, the university’s eminent geology, energy and sustainability researchers sat down to analyze their data and determine Cornell’s optimal course to achieve the Climate Action Plan’s goal of carbon neutrality by 2035.
Unfortunately for climate scientists and pedestrians alike, a rogue faction of the administration has announced their intent to divert funding from sustainability research towards a more “proactive” approach to harnessing Earth Source Heat—an approach which seems to involve just digging an ungodly amount of holes all over campus.
Thargurn Mountainhelm, the stout and bearded figurehead of the so-called “Diggy Diggy Initiative”, explained his team’s approach. “If there’s heat down there, why wait around figuring out how to use it or where to find it? I say we just start digging. If we make enough holes, we’ll stumble upon something eventually.”
Thargurn assured us that his grid of dig sites has been carefully selected so as to provide pedestrians with “new” and “interesting” ways to navigate campus. “The detours are an added benefit!” said Mountainhelm. “No student should have to suffer the indignity of being able to get directly from point A to point B. Just because we’re hard at work boring, doesn’t mean your walk to class has to be.”
Some critics of the DDI argue that its resources would be better spent optimizing geothermal energy efficiency, while others warn the team is “delving too greedily and too deep.” On the other hand, supporters of the project celebrate the rationale it provides for the countless pits and trenches already dug across campus that would otherwise serve no observable purpose.
Mountainhelm has also expressed interest in interdisciplinary expansion for the DDI, citing a collaboration with the Beijing Study Abroad program that would involve “digging a REALLY deep hole.”
Related Posts
Cornell Outdoor Education Lends Tents, Tarps to Admitted Students
Brace Faced Nerd Clocktower to Wear Headgear All Summer
Pathetic Zeus Visitor Not Good Enough for Pristine Marble Table, Exiled to Weak Little Wooden Bench
Ann Coulter Rejects Freedom of Expression Ice Cream Flavor, Argues It Has “Too Much Chocolate”
Like This!
